[LostinLove]

I have been feeling lately that I am one of "those women" you read about on the internet. The ones who have been scammed by a smooth talking Egyptain. Don't know where to turn to for advice...too embarassed to talk to my friends or my family in case I am right. A little background...

I met my now husband online over 2 years ago. I was introduced to him by a mutual friend (I know her in real life, she knew him for about 2 years through online gaming). I had reverted to Islam about a year prior to meeting him and my girlfriend thougth he was super sweet and we should talk.

Talk we did, for hours every night. We talked online, on the phone, we txted. We talked about life and what we wanted out of it. What are expectations were for marriage and the future. He taught me about Islam and Egypt. He knew I was divorced and 9 years older than him and didn't seem to care. After about 6 months we talked about getting married and he asked me to come to Cairo.

It ended up being 16 months from the time we met til he flew me to Cairo. He paid for everything, my flight, bought me clothes and gifts. We married legally at the Ministry of Justice in Cairo. His family came with us. I was there for 3 weeks and we spent every day with his family (Mom, brothers, sisters and their spouses). They treated me like one of the family. I had never felt so happy in my life.

Shortly after we married I found out he had lied to me about a few things. Things that were important to me, things that may have made me think twice about marrying him. He had been engaged 5 times before (he told me once). He lied to me about his work. He had called me another girls name and lied about it until I seen her name on his computer.

I went home and we planned for him to come to Canada to visit me, his visitor visa was denied. ABout a month later he tells me he is going to Dubai to work, and he tells me the night he is leaving. i was upset as I knew this would make it impossible for him to get his visitor visa as their main concern was his ties to Egypt were not strong enough.

He has been in Duabi for almost 6 months now and there have been more lies. Nothing major but enough to send alarm bells ringing. Weeks with little communication. When i question him about his lying to me he says its ok for man to lie to his wife in Islam and then he stops talking to me. He seems to have a quick answer for anything I question him on...and more and more the answers seem not right to me.

I am supposed to return to Egypt soon and then we were going to file for his permanent residence in Canada. I am scared. Scared that maybe his love for me is not true and its eating me up inside. I read all about the women scammed by egyptians before we married and I thought he was different. Now I am not so sure. The one thing that makes me think maybe its the distance and the stress making me paranoid is his family. They keep in touch with me. Their love for me seems real. His mom and sister cried so hard when I left. i really felt like they loved me and I was one of them.

Sorry for the long post...I really dont expect to find the answers I am looking for. I do expect to be flamed but I am hoping if I get this out of me I can start to make some sense of everything before I make a bigger mistake and immigrate him to canada. There is lots I have left out but it would take pages to tell it all.

[Bruinrab]

I think you know the answer in your gut. Trust it. An honest person doesn't behave like this.

[BaronChairman]

That's a laundry list of crimes begging for a divorce. I'm not a woman, so I don't presume to know how women in your situation would think, and I don't know you so I have no say in giving advice. But in my opinion, if a man EVER uses the old "It's okay for a Muslim man to lie to his wife" line, he ain't a keeper 'cause what he's really saying is "I expect you to be complacent and compliant while I emotionally abuse you."

[displaced]

It doesn't seem like things will improve when he moves to Canada. Although I can understand him moving to Dubai to work because there's no work to speak of in Egypt unless you have amazing connections to people high up. If you have cultural questions in terms of what's normal, feel free to message me..I think I'm the only Egyptian here.

[displaced]

I am also curious about the terms of your marriage contract because they could be playing a part in his sketchy behavior.

[LostinLove]

Bruinrab, on 17 June 2012 - 01:55 AM, said:

I think you know the answer in your gut. Trust it. An honest person doesn't behave like this.

Yes my gut is screaming at me and I keep ignoring it. I question if our distance clouds my judgment and try to convince myself everything is fine...it doesnt feel fine though. I have come to see that he is definately not honest. I dont believe you should lie to anyone, let alone your spouse.

Thanks for the reply

[LostinLove]

BaronChairman, on 17 June 2012 - 07:31 AM, said:

That's a laundry list of crimes begging for a divorce. I'm not a woman, so I don't presume to know how women in your situation would think, and I don't know you so I have no say in giving advice. But in my opinion, if a man EVER uses the old "It's okay for a Muslim man to lie to his wife" line, he ain't a keeper 'cause what he's really saying is "I expect you to be complacent and compliant while I emotionally abuse you."

Interesting you would say your last sentence. He has become a parrot at saying to me lately "you are my wife so you must respect me" Well I do respect him but I do not want to be lied and/or ignored and really can't accept this in the long term. His way of dealing with me saying or doing something he doesn't like is to not talk to me for days or weeks. I feel we should be able to talk about any issues we have and he should have enough respect for me to listen/hear how I feel about his behaviour

[LostinLove]

displaced, on 17 June 2012 - 07:37 AM, said:

I am also curious about the terms of your marriage contract because they could be playing a part in his sketchy behavior.

Thank you Displaced. I PM'ed you the "terms" of my marriage contract.

[displaced]

LostinLove, on 17 June 2012 - 08:22 AM, said:

Thank you Displaced. I PM'ed you the "terms" of my marriage contract.

I PM'd you back

[BaronChairman]

LostinLove, on 17 June 2012 - 08:20 AM, said:

Interesting you would say your last sentence. He has become a parrot at saying to me lately "you are my wife so you must respect me" Well I do respect him but I do not want to be lied and/or ignored and really can't accept this in the long term. His way of dealing with me saying or doing something he doesn't like is to not talk to me for days or weeks. I feel we should be able to talk about any issues we have and he should have enough respect for me to listen/hear how I feel about his behaviour

Respect is never, ever given out by virtue of one's position. It's earned.

[UmmSqueaky]

I have a lot of friend who have been through the visa process to bring someone here from the Middle East. Did it myself in 2005. One thing I will say having observed more than 100 of these kinds of relationships is that if you have serious, legitimate doubts about the sincerity of the person and his treatment of you, it will only get worse when he arrives. If he can't respect you, be honest with you and find time for you while you're online, it won't change when he gets here. That isn't to say he's using you - he may just be treating you the way that he would treat an Egyptian wife. This is not to say Egyptian men in general treat their wives poorly, but he's shown you his personality, can you live with that?

I don't have any hard and fast statistics about the success rates of these types of relationships, because my ties with these women usually wane after their SO arrives, but anecdotaly, there is a much higher divorce rate amongst these kinds of couples than there is on average in western countries.

[LostinLove]

UmmSqueaky, on 18 June 2012 - 11:39 AM, said:

I have a lot of friend who have been through the visa process to bring someone here from the Middle East. Did it myself in 2005. One thing I will say having observed more than 100 of these kinds of relationships is that if you have serious, legitimate doubts about the sincerity of the person and his treatment of you, it will only get worse when he arrives. If he can't respect you, be honest with you and find time for you while you're online, it won't change when he gets here. That isn't to say he's using you - he may just be treating you the way that he would treat an Egyptian wife. This is not to say Egyptian men in general treat their wives poorly, but he's shown you his personality, can you live with that?

I don't have any hard and fast statistics about the success rates of these types of relationships, because my ties with these women usually wane after their SO arrives, but anecdotaly, there is a much higher divorce rate amongst these kinds of couples than there is on average in western countries.

Thanks for your comments.

I am not afraid of long waits for immigration or working hard to make my marriage work. I am just not willing to be the only one in the marriage who works at it and no I am not sure I can live with the way he is treating me now. I expected that issues and differences would come up due to our different cultures and upbringing....but I didn't expect lies, secrets and periods of silence.

I have a lot of thinking and praying to do. My heart and my head are going in different directions. Isa I will make the right decision.

[displaced]

LostinLove, on 18 June 2012 - 08:20 PM, said:

Thanks for your comments.

I am not afraid of long waits for immigration or working hard to make my marriage work. I am just not willing to be the only one in the marriage who works at it and no I am not sure I can live with the way he is treating me now. I expected that issues and differences would come up due to our different cultures and upbringing....but I didn't expect lies, secrets and periods of silence.

I have a lot of thinking and praying to do. My heart and my head are going in different directions. Isa I will make the right decision.

have you had this conversation with him?

[LostinLove]

displaced, on 19 June 2012 - 07:45 AM, said:

have you had this conversation with him?

I have talked to him about this yes. It didn't go well, he didn't speak to me for over a week

[EirinnMoChroi]

This brings me flashbacks of my horrible first marriage and it makes me sick to my stomach. I see so many recurring themes going on here. Are you sure this man isn't a Saudi because he sounds like the same guy

I know you say you arent afraid of long waits for immigration, but I see so many red flags going on here that make me wonder if this man is truly in love and wants to have a successful marriage, or if he is potentially in it for a one-way ticket to Canada. I don't know how Canadian immigration works, but the process in America is long, expensive, and time consuming and the American citizen becomes financially responsible as a host for the immigrant spouse for a period of time even if the couple gets divorced. You do not want that on your plate unless you KNOW 10000% that this person is in this marriage for LOVE. I really really hate to say this, but it sounds to me like what is going on on his end of hte deal is not love. There are too many skeletons in his closet, too many questions unanswered, and NO respectable man would ever ignore his wife for an entire week after she explained concerns about their marriage. And to say it's ok in Islam to lie to yuor spouse!? Astaghfurillah. This is another classic case of a Muslim man taking advantage of a convert's ignorance and not giving her the proper rights that she is REQUIRED to have as a Muslim wife. Mine did the same thing.

I rarely come out and tell someone to leave their partner. In fact, I've never done that. I like to think the best of people and I make the mistake of assuming that all Muslims are God-fearing and good people but that's simply not true. I also understand that I am an outsider looking in and I only see what yuo choose to show me, but in this case, there are too many red flags. I cannot help but really fear for this situation as I've seen it and lived through something similar myself. On my end, I ended up being a "temporary" wife (in the sense that he knew he would divorce me even though I did not) and his behavior was cold and decieving just like what I am reading here.

Whatever yuo choose to do, understand that he is not the only person with any power in this relationship. You have rights, as a Muslim wife, and he has an obligation to fulfill them. Lying to you is NOT one of those rights. Ignoring you for a week is not one of those rights. These are cases of a man being incredibly disrespectful (would you ignore someone you LOVED for a week? I cant even ignore my fiance for a few hours) and then using Islam as his excuse. The lies, the blaming Islam, and the shady past are all huge red flags that really make me worry.

So what to do now? Its easy for me to sit here and critize something that I am not emotionally attached to, so perhaps you could go to an Imam and ask about options. I would also definitely talk to your spouse and let him know that this behavior is not going to fly and that you are concerned about whats going on. If you plan on spending eternity with this person, he needs to be able to sit through a difficult conversation like this and WORK WITH YOU to find a solution to problems. If he wont, eternity is going to be a really long where he gets what he wants and ignores your wants and wishes. Nothing sucks more than being married to someone who doesnt listen to you and doesnt care what you think. More importantly, thats not love at all. Love does not do those things.

Speak with an imam, they are there for spiritual guidance. I can only say that I sympathize with you and what you have said worries me.

LostinLove, on 17 June 2012 - 08:15 AM, said:

try to convince myself everything is fine...it doesnt feel fine though.

Thats because it's not. Feel free to PM me with any questions or even if you just need a friend.

[displaced]

LostinLove, on 19 June 2012 - 09:48 PM, said:

I have talked to him about this yes. It didn't go well, he didn't speak to me for over a week

that says it all, doesn't it?

to be honest, it's suspect that his family just accepted your marriage. i'd be skeptical of the motives behind that - even the most open minded of egyptian families would not be happy with such a large age difference and a previous marriage.

[LostinLove]

displaced, on 20 June 2012 - 06:41 AM, said:

that says it all, doesn't it?

It says a lot that's for sure

to be honest, it's suspect that his family just accepted your marriage. i'd be skeptical of the motives behind that - even the most open minded of egyptian families would not be happy with such a large age difference and a previous marriage.

Maybe I am stubborn minded but I find this hard to believe. I stayed with his family for over 3 weeks. I spent so much time with them...how can people fake that for so long. We went shopping, dinners, we all went to the mosque to pray together, we held hands, laughed and cried together. I love his family as much as I love him.

[LostinLove]

Anyone have any ideas how I can get someone in Cairo and Dubai checked out?

I need some concrete answers. I know I probably have all the answers I need staring me in the face but I need more than suspicion before I give up on a marriage I did not go into lightly.

[EirinnMoChroi]

LostinLove, on 20 June 2012 - 09:00 AM, said:

Anyone have any ideas how I can get someone in Cairo and Dubai checked out?

I need some concrete answers. I know I probably have all the answers I need staring me in the face but I need more than suspicion before I give up on a marriage I did not go into lightly.

I think thats really responsible of you. You are right, you didnt go into it lightly and you are emotionally invested in it now. I think it's good to have concrete answers instead of suspicion. I can't be any help in terms of recommending anything, but I am glad that you are doing something about it and not just letting it go. It's important that this gets figured out.

[displaced]

LostinLove, on 20 June 2012 - 08:59 AM, said:

Maybe I am stubborn minded but I find this hard to believe. I stayed with his family for over 3 weeks. I spent so much time with them...how can people fake that for so long. We went shopping, dinners, we all went to the mosque to pray together, we held hands, laughed and cried together. I love his family as much as I love him.

you asked from a cultural perspective and from a cultural perspective, marrying a divorcee is still frowned upon in 2012, as is marrying a woman even 2 years older.