[Revert]

This is a guest post by G. Willow Wilson.

Asra Nomani's recent essay in Marie Claire, My Big Fat Muslim Wedding, lays out a scenario that has become familiar to everyone in the post-9/11 world: despairing Muslim woman is forced to choose between her (literally) white knight and a traditional marriage to a boorish, vaguely ominous Muslim man. Losing love to Islam has become as universal a theme as finding love in Paris. It's the subject of high art, low art and everything in between: Samina Ali'sMadras on Rainy Days springs to mind, as does the much-hyped failed marriage of Princess Meriam Al-Khalifa and Lance Corporal Jason Johnson. The implication of Nomani's story, like those I've just listed, is that there are no decent Muslim men on planet Earth--or, if by some miracle they do exist, they are so difficult to find that it's not worth the bother. This is the crux of the argument that Shari'a law should be changed to allow Muslim women to marry non-Muslim men, and perhaps the reason even liberal Muslim groups can be defensive and traditionalist when it comes to this point. It is an implicit condemnation of Muslim men everywhere: in the eyes of women, they do not measure up in any way that counts.

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[Jaysh]

Simply awesome. Best article I've read in awhile.

[ChotooMotoo]

dude, she needs to wake up. Non-Muslim men suck just as badly as Muslim men.

If you really think about it, her ideal man is actually a woman without the mood swings

There is no such creature.

[AishaMysha]

im really interested in hearing what her ex-husband has to say about her and his marriage to her.

i just hate how she thinks shes the one smart muslim woman who is speaking for the rest of us dumbos cause we dont know any better.

she has this annoying 'i got your back' mentality.

thanks for liberating me, woman.

[ChotooMotoo]

The original article:

Muslim Weddings - Marrying Muslim - Marie Claire

dude, you were only married for 3 months. How the hell can you compare your parents, who worked on their marriage for decades, with your pitiful 3 months?

the whole article made me want to

[zzze]

If it's wront within those 3 months..how the heck are the next 3 years gonna be?

She jumped from one relationship to another. She went from the guy she lost her virginity to and went out for 4 years...to a blonde surfer, without mention of why she broke up with the first one

It's quite confusing and at least she decided in the End, what was important to her, instead of sleeping with guys, refusing to commit to them...even moving in with a Muslim. I don't think it's the Muslim bit that was confusing her, but the cultural pressure.

[MossadConspiracy]

I think there is a high likelihood that she is going to cheat on her current husband and go with some other dude then dump him too, because her history makes it obvious shes mad selfish

ws

[Salika]

"I went to school in Morgantown, WV, and did modern things like run cross-country....."

Dumbest. line. ever.

[Anderson]

Basically her point is Muslim guys don't do foreplay therefore Muslim women should marry non-Muslim guys.

[Variable]

"If they are successful, it is because they are not up against the same barrier: Jewish men are not perceived (by Jewish women or anyone else) as inherently threatening and perverse. In western culture, Muslim men start the marriage process with a handicap--because of the way they are portrayed and the example that is made of them, even Muslim women have begun, consciously or unconsciously, to view them with suspicion."

Jewish guys don't have that problem really because the ones who we're talking about here (i.e. not very religious ones) are just your typical North American or Brit. It's the same with Muslims, a few of my muslim friends aren't perceived as any of that stuff up there. They aren't particularly religious though and blend into the general population. I think what women are eyeing with suspicion are certain religious values that would put limitations on them, whether it be from an orthodox jew, hardcore Muslim or Christian. Or maybe cultural values that some may hold on to as well.

[MossadConspiracy]

500 yrs after she is finished reforming islam a historian will wonder about whether the entire course of islamic history could have been altered if she had bought a rabbit vibrator, then the grand mufti will excommunicate him at the request of his husband

[Timbit]

Salika said:

"I went to school in Morgantown, WV, and did modern things like run cross-country....."

Dumbest. line. ever.

two (but most likely three) decades ago? it probably was considered modern if there was a small and insular muslim community. you can't really compare your experience in america to hers. women engaged in athletic activities is considered modern still to some muslims.

but... okay...
a lot of hating going on in this thread.

we don't know her personally. she doesn't have to tell us why she broke up with any of her ex-boyfriends; she only has to share what she feels comfortable sharing.

also, the marriage she wrote about wasn't her only negative experience with a muslim man. there was also the relationship that led to her son. considering who she is, i bet she's had a few more negative interactions with muslim men.

i love g willow wilson and all, but saying "well, that's 'cause there's only a handful of good muslim men and i have one" is just missing the point (and also not helping the muslim men she's saying are at a handicap now 'cause of how they're villified). personal essays are about personal experiences. asra didn't say all muslim men suck (nor is that the perception amongst muslim women. hahahhaha. yeah, right). she said the ones she ran into did. and she didn't say it's foolish to only marry within your faith community; she said having that as her only criteria turned out to not make her happy.

[afrakabob]

that was an amazingly whiny and self-righteous article (the original one by asra nomani).

[meraj]

as salaamu alaikum,

Timbit said:

asra didn't say all muslim men suck (nor is that the perception amongst muslim women. hahahhaha. yeah, right). she said the ones she ran into did.

Dysfunction

meraj

[Timbit]

meraj: sure, could be. i'm sure the thought's crossed her mind too. it would anybody's.
but we're not her therapists, so how do we know, right?

my point is it seems above all to be about circumstances. if she had met a muslim man who wanted to have a committed relationship with her that she was happy in, then she wouldn't have written this article. but she didn't. perhaps she couldn't. and that's why she's with a non-muslim man. she's not saying all muslim women should do the same thing. it's not that she could never make a relationship work (she's obviously making one work now and has in the past) but that she ultimately wasn't happy in her relationships with muslim men.

aside: she looked pretty at her shaadi.

[meraj]

as salaamu alaikum,

Timbit said:

meraj: sure, could be. i'm sure the thought's crossed her mind too. it would anybody's.
but we're not her therapists, so how do we know, right?

maybe so, but she's not exactly a closed book either. she doesnt leave much to the imagination, and im sure thats crossed her mind too.

meraj

[Salika]

Timbit said:

two (but most likely three) decades ago? it probably was considered modern if there was a small and insular muslim community. you can't really compare your experience in america to hers. women engaged in athletic activities is considered modern still to some muslims.

I see what you're saying, but I can't help but to recall how Aisha, the Prophet's wife, used to race with the Prophet. If it's culture that was preventing her from doing "modern things" then maybe should be should have not named her title "Marrying Muslim..."

Quote

we don't know her personally. she doesn't have to tell us why she broke up with any of her ex-boyfriends; she only has to share what she feels comfortable sharing.

She put herself in the spotlight and speaks as though as though she is liberated while many of us backward Muslimas don't know better. It's not fair to her audience that she conveniently leaves out facts while putting others in to make her point. It's just dishonest.

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also, the marriage she wrote about wasn't her only negative experience with a muslim man. there was also the relationship that led to her son. considering who she is, i bet she's had a few more negative interactions with muslim men.

But why "Muslim" men? As chotoo alluded to, why not just "men?" It's clear that her husband was not particularly religious anyway.

Quote

asra's personal essays are about personal experiences. asra didn't say all muslim men suck (nor is that the perception amongst muslim women. hahahhaha. yeah, right). she said the ones she ran into did. and she didn't say it's foolish to only marry within your faith community; she said having that as her only criteria turned out to not make her happy.

What I got from the article was not how awful Muslim men were, but how Islamic law is overly restrictive on women-- but she does it while conflating religious and cultural norms. It's especially clear when she says... "To me, abiding by the dictates of my culture and religion meant finding a love that would be halal, or legal, according to Islamic law." Since when did Islam confine people to their cultural norms for marriage?

That one guy who was willing to convert to Islam (the first one I believe) would, technically, have lead to a valid Islamic marriage, yet she turned him down for cultural reasons.

Honestly, like others have said, it seems like she's just ranting about her own personal experiences without making a coherent link between them. I'm sorry she had such a horrible marriage and bad experience with men, but there are many women writing about their relationships gone wrong... but she titled it "My Big Fat Muslim Wedding."

[Timbit]

meraj: zzze just pointed out that there's stuff she hasn't told us.

salika: you're speaking of ideal islam. she's speaking about it the way it's practiced.

[mekrob]

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It's not fair to her audience that she conveniently leaves out facts while putting others in to make her point. It's just dishonest.

It's not necessarily dishonest. It's quite possible that those break-ups were for reasons that are not relevant to the story. For instance, she mentions her first boyfriend in UG and then skips to graduate school. It's quite possible, even likely, that they simply broke up because they were going different ways. Adding such information is not really necessary and thus, IMO, wouldn't make her dishonest in the least. Unless if one knows for sure that she is leaving out information that would reflect poorly upon her credibility, I see no reason to view her as being dishonest in this regard.

[Timbit]

mekrob said:

It's not necessarily dishonest. It's quite possible that those break-ups were for reasons that are not relevant to the story. For instance, she mentions her first boyfriend in UG and then skips to graduate school. It's quite possible, even likely, that they simply broke up because they were going different ways. Adding such information is not really necessary and thus, IMO, wouldn't make her dishonest in the least. Unless if one knows for sure that she is leaving out information that would reflect poorly upon her credibility, I see no reason to view her as being dishonest in this regard.

yeah, i noticed that too... the jump from undergrad to graduate school.
encapsulating your entire life in two pages... you're gonna leave stuff out. word limits and stuff. plus, editors edit.

she's already written about the relationship that led to the birth of her son in other places, so i guess she didn't feel the need to mention that one here. it was mostly about her marriage.
i think it's pretty tacky to take potshots at your exes publicly, but hey, even greg mortenson did it in 3 cups of tea. and very matter-of-factly. i always wonder if there's lasting resentment though on the part of these authors'... it just seems like a very bitter thing to do, years after the fact (even though it's relevant).