[sumi]

salaam,

I've been on islamica almost 4 years (yikes!), and i've read and participated in the various 'would you marry...' threads. looking back at these online discussions, coupled with discussions i've had in real life about marriage, it seems to me that the discussions don't necessarily paint a full picture of marriage. young adults don't really get to hear the bad with the good, as the bad is left out or neglected. i feel this lack of a full picture leads to unrealistic expectations, rocky marriages and a lot of heartache and pain. bollywood and etc doesn't really help much in this regard either.

so to counter that, i thought it might be helpful to create this thread and cover the neglected areas. those of you who are married and want to contribute or provide any advice, feel free to post things you've thought were neglected, or made you go "hmm.. no one really talked about this stuff in all those discussions... it would've been helpful if they did."

final note: keep it clean. thanks.

i'll start:

- contrary to popular belief, married people don't dance around in grassy fields all day with pretty instrumentals playing in the background. marriage is hard work and involves a lot of compromise and effort. there will be arguments, no matter how madly in love you and your spouse are. be prepared to deal with arguments maturely.

- after the wedding, no one really cares (or remembers) whether you had chair covers or that specific center piece with those special flowers or what your wedding dress looked like or what your entrance song was. try not to place too much of an emphasis on planning the wedding. the lifelong relationship that follows is much more important.

- talk about finances. can't stress this enough. make sure you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to finances. most marital arguments revolve around money in one way or another.

[nunyobeezwax]

Great thread sumiyia!

Everything you said is right on, mashallah.

- One thing I've realized is that if you and your spouse cannot be friends on some level, then you will not have a very good marriage. Physical attraction can never be a substitute for compatibility. I don't necessarily mean 'friends first,' but you should be able to hold engaging and interesting conversations once in a while, share at least a few common interests, goals and/or hobbies, and most importantly both spouses should be open to trying new hobbies that his/her significant other likes/loves.

- Respect. Give and you shall receive.

- Boundaries. Set them, early.

[Salika]

Great thread.

- If you feel the need to offer advice to your spouse, do it respectfully and kindly.

- Be careful what you tell your parents about your relationship. If you're in a fight with your spouse or there is something going on, don't mention it to your parents (unless it's serious of course). I've had several people give me this advice because "you'll forget and move on, but the parents are not as forgiving to the spouse."

- I agree about finances. Be very, very clear. Might be best to write a budget out.

- Be understanding.

Lastly, being married requires one to be very, very selfless. I'm not saying your spouse can walk all over you, but you'll find yourself putting your spouse's needs before your own BUT that can only work if both spouses are like that, because if the other is watching out for your needs, then everyone's needs gets taken care of... erm, I hope that made sense ....

[sumi]

great points, ladies

to take salika's second point one step further, don't fight in public. ever. arguments can get heated and you're bound to say something you'll regret later on. it is best for these mistakes to take place in private. chances are your spouse will forgive you and you'll both move on. but it makes things much more complicated when you say awful things to each other in public. that, and people talk, it's human nature and they are bound to bring it up at a later time, possibly causing you to re-live the fight and cause more drama between you and the spouse.

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

Marriage won't solve any ongoing personal problems. Infact, marriage will bring those problems to the surface and one will be forced to face them the hard way, because that's how marriage works; it brings out the best and worst of you. That's why it's half of one's religion. One cannot be married in harmony without making serious, continuous efforts at self-purification. Also, it forces one to submit to Him, because despite being with your favourite person in the world you can still only truly depend on Him and know your call will be answered.

[nunyobeezwax]

Be careful how much you share with your spouse about your own family's dirty laundry. Some spouses can and will use that against you, even if it has nothing to do with you personally.

[wheelworks]

To those sisters with hubbys who have sweet teeth, don't forget to buy em plenty of chocolate. Even if he doesn't like chocolate you could buy it for him anyway and when he rejects them, send em over to me instead (the chocolate not the hubby)

[foozball]

-Talk about finances. again and again and again and again. If you think love conquers all, you're a fool. Marriage even at is best is hard enough - I can't imagine starting it with financial issues.

-Realize that what you consider common sense... may not be common. So before saying something really condescending- make sure you know damn well it does not apply to him or his family. "OMG... WHO DOES THAT?!? What weirdos!... oh..your mom does?..oh...well..gtg!"

- If you will be expected to take care of the house.... start doing it now. seriously. You may think you are OK with cooking and cleaning everyday...but when it comes to actually doing it... you may have a different perspective.

[sumi]

- remember the whole spouses are like garments shpeel? it's for real. one function of a garment is to cover a person's flaws. all people have flaws, including your spouse. be mindful of concealing your spouse's negatives and flaws from others, as you would expect your spouse to do the same for you.

- be open to seeking help from professionals if your marriage needs help. you and your spouse may discover that the major point of contention between the two of you was actually something minor blown out of proportion, and is something that can be dealt with.

[foozball]

Be ready to change the stupidest things about yourself you never knew existed. For example, you may have never realized that you leave the tooth paste cap off every morning or that you never screw on the OJ cap properly so every time your spouse has crusty tooth paste or OJ all over him after shaking the box he thought was closed - you'll hear it. over. and over. and over.

[fatima]

good thread idea

one piece of advice ive been given by my married friends is to be reeeeally flexible. things almost never go according to what you plan in life in general, but once youre married, its not just about you, its about 'us'.

[Timbit]

Salika said:

- Be careful what you tell your parents about your relationship. If you're in a fight with your spouse or there is something going on, don't mention it to your parents (unless it's serious of course). I've had several people give me this advice because "you'll forget and move on, but the parents are not as forgiving to the spouse."

Very. interesting.
Makes sense though.

You all are scaring me. This, along with having seen Revolutionary Road recently, makes me wonder why people ever get married.

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

timbit: I'm sure you hear enough happy stories to more than balance it out

[sumi]

zzze said:

assalamu alaykum

timbit: I'm sure you hear enough happy stories to more than balance it out

haha.. true. especially in the fph social group.

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

yep yep masha Allah.

[sumi]

i'm going say this again because its just that important.

FINANCES!!! everything from a budget to bank accounts, how many, what money goes where, how much debt you're in, what your expectations are, what you think your responsibilities are financially, how comfortable you are with paying for things for your spouse's parents/family/children from previous marriage/ex-spouse etc, car loans home loans education loans and who is responsible for paying for them, lending money to others, interest and how you feel about it. everything. make excel spreadsheets/google docs if you need to, use microsoft outlook or whatever it is that helps you stay organized and on top of things.

[moonlightrose]

great thread, sumi

foozball said:

-Realize that what you consider common sense... may not be common. So before saying something really condescending- make sure you know damn well it does not apply to him or his family. "OMG... WHO DOES THAT?!? What weirdos!... oh..your mom does?..oh...well..gtg!"

OMG hahahahaha :lol: i can't stop laughing at that, but great advice fooz!

[fny21]

awesome thread, guys

(plus, i feel so much better about being single )

[Timbit]

zzze said:

timbit: I'm sure you hear enough happy stories to more than balance it out

Only from newlyweds.

Haha... kidding. I hear a few, but not enough unfortunately.

[Maniac_Muslim]

This is pretty helpful. Thanks girls. How come guys aren't giving any advice?