[ChotooMotoo]

Originally Posted by IbnMardhiyah

Question for all the ladies:

So, lets say you and your husband are happily married. He loves you, you love him, and all that nice stuff. You're confident that he's not going to go looking for some other pretty looking girl behind your back and take her as a second wife.

That being said, would you mind if he married an [older] widow or a divorcee w/ kids, in order to give that woman some moral, emotional, financial support, etc?

Truthful answers only please, and no PC garbage.

Ignoring the legal issues, I think it would depend on the woman he wants to marry, and the living arangement. I think I would insist on seperate living quarters. He would also have to be able to support both of us. I'm not sure how I would feel if my income were used to support her family. I'm not 100% opposed to the idea.

[IbnMardhiyah]

Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo

Ignoring the legal issues,

At a high level, that issue becomes irrelevant - the first wife would be his legal and only wife in the eyes of civil law, whereas in the scenario I described, the 2nd wife would be his legal wife according to Islamic law and she could get a pre-nuptial document stating that he agrees to treat her according to the laws of Islam in all aspects regarding marital law, inheritance, blah blah blah, who has binding arbitration rights to resolve disputes and what penalty he would be subject to if he broke the agreement.

I think it would depend on the woman he wants to marry, and the living arangement. I think I would insist on seperate living quarters. He would also have to be able to support both of us. I'm not sure how I would feel if my income were used to support her family. I'm not 100% opposed to the idea.

Yeah, say there were two separate houses, and he's using his own income to support the two, and each wife's income [if applicable] is being used only by herself.

And again, I'm only talking about women who are widows [due to war or something] or divorcees with kids who may have a hard time getting by because of social stigma.

Who here would have a problem if her husband had a big heart and out of compassion, decided to support another woman or two?

[shadha]

Ibn: Who here would have a problem if her husband had a big heart and out of compassion, decided to support another woman or two?

This wife right here.

Ibn: That being said, would you mind if he married an [older] widow or a divorcee w/ kids, in order to give that woman some moral, emotional, financial support, etc?

Truthfully and bluntly, I don't understand why men feel that it is a necessity to receive sex in return for giving a widow/divorcee financial support. What is up with this give and take mentality? If she needs financial help, where is the community? Or why can't you give her money with no strings attached? If homegirl needs money and his paycheck can't extend that far, then I would work to help her meet her monthly expenses. She need not be sleeping with my husband.

Moral? Emotional? I would help her find a husband, she need not have mine. Sorry. I don't think my husband marrying her out of sympathy is productive. What would he tell her? Oh I'm just marrying you to boost your self-esteem? Yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster. If she needs some support, I'll personally gather the community around for her and I'll find her some hotline numbers.

There is no reason why she can't go out and find a *single* Muslim man to marry.


shadha-

[TrentReznor858]

Originally Posted by shadha

Ibn: Who here would have a problem if her husband had a big heart and out of compassion, decided to support another woman or two?

This wife right here.

Ibn: That being said, would you mind if he married an [older] widow or a divorcee w/ kids, in order to give that woman some moral, emotional, financial support, etc?

Truthfully and bluntly, I don't understand why men feel that it is a necessity to receive sex in return for giving a widow/divorcee financial support. What is up with this give and take mentality? If she needs financial help, where is the community? Or why can't you give her money with no strings attached? If homegirl needs money and his paycheck can't extend that far, then I would work to help her meet her monthly expenses. She need not be sleeping with my husband.

Moral? Emotional? I would help her find a husband, she need not have mine. Sorry. I don't think my husband marrying her out of sympathy is productive. What would he tell her? Oh I'm just marrying you to boost your self-esteem? Yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster. If she needs some support, I'll personally gather the community around for her and I'll find her some hotline numbers.

There is no reason why she can't go out and find a *single* Muslim man to marry.


shadha-

Gotta spread rep

[sally]

Originally Posted by shadha

I don't think my husband marrying her out of sympathy is productive.

it can be...if she gives him children

[nooni]

Originally Posted by shadha

Ibn: Who here would have a problem if her husband had a big heart and out of compassion, decided to support another woman or two?

This wife right here.

Ibn: That being said, would you mind if he married an [older] widow or a divorcee w/ kids, in order to give that woman some moral, emotional, financial support, etc?

Truthfully and bluntly, I don't understand why men feel that it is a necessity to receive sex in return for giving a widow/divorcee financial support. What is up with this give and take mentality? If she needs financial help, where is the community? Or why can't you give her money with no strings attached? If homegirl needs money and his paycheck can't extend that far, then I would work to help her meet her monthly expenses. She need not be sleeping with my husband.

Moral? Emotional? I would help her find a husband, she need not have mine. Sorry. I don't think my husband marrying her out of sympathy is productive. What would he tell her? Oh I'm just marrying you to boost your self-esteem? Yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster. If she needs some support, I'll personally gather the community around for her and I'll find her some hotline numbers.

There is no reason why she can't go out and find a *single* Muslim man to marry.


shadha-

i agree....

[TrentReznor858]

Originally Posted by sally

it can be...if she gives him children

If his first wife cant?

[Jamroll]

Originally Posted by shadha

There is no reason why she can't go out and find a *single* Muslim man to marry.

Except that Muslim women outnumber Muslim men. So someone down the line is gonna get shortchanged and end up in spinsterville.

[sally]

Originally Posted by TrentReznor858

If his first wife cant?

'twas a joke. play on the word productive

[shadha]

JUnit: Except that Muslim women outnumber Muslim men. So someone down the line is gonna get shortchanged and end up in spinsterville

When it comes to my husband, she's just **** out of luck then. There is nothing else for me to say or do other than buying her some batteries.


shadha-

[the_only_one]

Originally Posted by IbnMardhiyah

Question for all the ladies:

So, lets say you and your husband are happily married. He loves you, you love him, and all that nice stuff. You're confident that he's not going to go looking for some other pretty looking girl behind your back and take her as a second wife.

That being said, would you mind if he married an [older] widow or a divorcee w/ kids, in order to give that woman some moral, emotional, financial support, etc?

Truthful answers only please, and no PC garbage.

i'd wanna be all nice and stuff. but i can't bear the thought of 'sharing my husband'. selfish in that department. holla. at the same time, i would NOT hesitate to adopt/sponsor her or her children and even to the point, i'd willingly split my income.

but wouldnt invite the love triangle of somesort into our relationship. i can't reach the status of mothers of the believer. they were totally in every way mA.

.

[heba]

i dont understand how people call themselves selfish after saying they dont want to share their husband?!?!

hows that selfish. its logical. normal. understandable. not selfish!

[the_only_one]

Originally Posted by heba

i dont understand how people call themselves selfish after saying they dont want to share their husband?!?!

hows that selfish. its logical. normal. understandable. not selfish!

dont wanna get too priesty on you..but a believer(Mu^min) should be free of all form of
evil such as selfishness. if it isn't the greed in a woman not to share her husband and
or her 'belongings knowing that her husband would make a positive difference in someone
else' life. then what is it? what else would create fear in her of losing him? or having all..?
as they say...greed is he root of all evil, remember this and you'll be a better person..to each their own..thats how i c it.

[IbnMardhiyah]

Originally Posted by shadha

Truthfully and bluntly, I don't understand why men feel that it is a necessity to receive sex in return for giving a widow/divorcee financial support. What is up with this give and take mentality? If she needs financial help, where is the community? Or why can't you give her money with no strings attached? If homegirl needs money and his paycheck can't extend that far, then I would work to help her meet her monthly expenses. She need not be sleeping with my husband.

Ooooookay.

Calm down. Wow.

Whoever said anything about sex? Plenty of guys are getting plenty from their wife, and if they marry a widow or divorcee then yes, it can be, and often has been, for altruistic reasons such as providing emotional / moral / financial support. What if she's unattractive, or doesn't want any? Its not always about sex unless women wanna make-believe that it is.

Moral? Emotional? I would help her find a husband, she need not have mine. Sorry. I don't think my husband marrying her out of sympathy is productive. What would he tell her? Oh I'm just marrying you to boost your self-esteem? Yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster. If she needs some support, I'll personally gather the community around for her and I'll find her some hotline numbers.

Cool ... cool, to each their own.

There is no reason why she can't go out and find a *single* Muslim man to marry.

Calm down.

There are actually plenty of reasons, and Jammy alluded to one of them. Its starting now already, and it will increase over time: the ratio of women to men.

Another reason why she can't go out and just find some single guy to marry is social stigma - a lot of communities stigmatize divorcees and look down upon them. I know a few like that myself from all across the spectrum - arab, desi, white, malaysian, etc.

Another reasons is that a lot of single guys themselves have the mentality that they don't wanna take care of another man's seed. Personally I think that's a bit of a selfish attitude to have, but reality is, a lot of guys are like that - they're very territorial.

Another reason is that its not advisable for a single, bachelor [previously unmarried] man to marry a divorcee or a widow. Its usually recommended that a man who either is already married or has been previously married himself [and is now a widower or divorced] - such a man should marry a woman who is in the divorcee / widow category because guys who've never been married before shouldn't just jump into marriage with a previously married woman - there are plenty of nuanced dynamics that they haven't been exposed to.

Everything that's been discussed so far leads me to the next question:

If it becomes hard, factual reality that there is an increasing women-men ratio, lets say it becomes 10 women for 1 man in a certain community ... and it doesn't mean 10 eligible women for one eligible bachelor, but like 10 moms / daughters / sisters / cousins / unmarried girls, etc .... essentially if the situation becomes such that unmarried women / divorcees / widows are having a hard time finding men to marry ...

... what are some possible solutions, in your opinions ladies?