The husband gains everything and the wife loses everything...

AceOfHearts · #1 (**permalink**) 09-10-2007, 07:31 PM

Assalmu alaikum,

It is a sad situation. Most people have grown to accept it as 'reality of life'. What is even more sad is that most men, Muslim men have also become immune to it. I am refering to an asian culture majorly.

Yes there are exceptions, but lets look at the majority. A deppressing scene can be witnessed where marriage is based on inequality for the wife, where only she makes the major sacrifices and not the husband. The inequality is especially from the mother in-law. A daughter-in-law is often seen as an escape from house work by the mother-in-law, or even a promotion to a managerial role, a 'bossy' role in other words where she is in command of the daughter-in-law. Have you noticed how often, the daughter-in-law is seen as a reward for having raised a son and all the pain they had to go through to do so? But what about the mother who raises a daughter, did she do less painstaking job of it?

A newly married woman sacrifices her home, in which she lived her life to live in another house completely strange to her, with unfamiliar inhabitants. However, in that house, her own family are not as welcome as her husband's family. The husbands family can easily come and go, but it is disliked for her family to be so free. Yet, she is meant to feel "at home". On top of that, she is expected to serve the husbands side as her own family (not that she shouldnt), but her side of the family are treated more as distant guests and they do not have similiar rights. Scratch the surface and the reason is because it is not "her house" but "her husbands house". One wonders than where is her real home? I must also point out the notion that the married women's father is seen to have washed his hands off her once he married his daughter off, such that it is seen as humiliating for this married woman to ever having to go back to her original home to live permanently.

One of the daughter-in-law's primary role in the house is to ensure the well being of her parent-in-law. Just like they were her own parents. However, she is expected not to serve her own parents in the same way, because now she "belongs" to another household. We see the bias and injustice streight away. The parents of a son gets to keep the son and to top it off, a daughter-in-law as a bonus. They are winners all round. The parents of a daughter on the other hand, are 'losers' in all way since they dont gain anything, but lose everything....If they only have daughters, than at old age, they have no one to look after them. And given how most men have become, they will not do much for their wives destitute parents.

What does the husband ever do for his wifes side? The answer is nothing. He:
1) Stays in his own home when he gets married.
2) Gets a wife. Often to serve such needs as washing and ironing his clothes.
3) His family gets a dedicated full-time maid
4) Gets some one to look after his parents, even when he himself is there (so there is two people to look after the man's parents, and none for the wifes...). A fully sustained home is available for the man's parents where the son earns money and daughter-in-law takes care of the domestic issue for them. The dughter-in-laws parents on the other hand, have no one, unless they too have a son and the viscious cycle continues).

This man is very insensitive. He becomes blind to the fact that his wife also has parents like his own. He does not see the fact that his wife also has similiar reponsibilities to her parents. He makes no efforts to help his wife fulfill her responsibility towards her parents, but greedily expects his wife to make all the sacrifices to look after his parents. Indeed, these men have an inherent charecteristic of simply following the masses and the traditional way of doing things, even when it is wrong. They have become blind to seeing injustice even in their own homes. They dont do anything for their wives side/parents, yet expect everything from their wives for their parents and family.

The in-laws, namely the mother-in-law, seeks to keep the new daughter-in-law "under control" lest she becomes 'corrupt' or 'out of control', she encourages his son to also keep his wife disciplined. The mentality is often that they are doing her a favour by providing her with food and roof over her head, so she has to do her bit by doing all the chores and physical duties, and by being dutiful and obedient to the in-laws. This is much like slavery.

The evil mentality leads into so many other evil things such as, she is not free to visit her own parents without formal permission from the parents-in-law, she has to dress up in certain ways...perheps wear sarees when she does not want to etc.

One can immagine what the thought of such woman is just after she gets married. And the irony is that if she harbours the thought of living in her own house, it is seen as evil because she does not care about the 'helpless elderly in-laws'.

Indeed, the main objective of marriage is lost. It is no longer about a man and woman being together, but rather the above picture and how to enforce it. It is a huge injustice rampant in our society. Most men believe this is the way it has to be done, so have lost all appreciation of sacrifices their wives or potential wives will make. They frown upon making any similiar sacrifices for their wives as it is not the norm.

Many women feel unhappy in a master-servent in-law family. It is naturally more difficult to carry out all the chores when you know you are never able to do anything for your own parents. That, coupled with unrealistically high in-law expectations, the in-laws find things to pick on (usually not doing chroes right or on time) and eventually they make her seem like the evil one.

If she ever complains of any of the above hardship to her husband (who a lot of the time is also corrupted), she is seen to be a bad wife, who does not like doing her duties and is also looking to break up the family.

Indeed, intriguing as it is, a preconceived notion is already their before a marriage that the bride is comming in with some sort of evil intention to destroy their family! When it is they who have already created an environment where, no matter which lady they marry their son to, she will end up being "evil".

Many young women who enter into marriages where in-laws like to rule over them, dislike the system. However, sadly enough, as they persevere through the years, their mentality also gradually changes to that evil one. When they have a son, than it becomes natural to treat the son's wife the same way they have been treated in the past. It sort of becomes a sequence of revenges past on through generations.

Like stated, most men expect countless sacrifices from their wives. But they dont see it as scrifices. But something that women are just expected to do being women, and them being men are free to sit and do nothing. Ofcourse, in their own mind they may have convinced themselves that they are doing a lot, perhaps thinking that they are providing food and shelter for her (as if she has no where else to go). The man's parents will disapprove of doing anything serious for his wife's family, as there is no need to (society does not require him to).

However, what is most important is that men realise the above, and seek ways to uphold equality, and ensure that his wife is not being treated in anyway like the above. Moreover he himself must contribute, just as much as his wife does, if not more, to caring for and doing for his wife's parents and family. He should find ways to make equal sacrifices, and must ensure that his wife's parents are being looked after, and not just expect from his wife. If the man's parents are of that mould, then he should seek proper ways to break that mould. The importance of this is stressed in the following Verse of the Qur'an:

"O you who believe, stand with justice as witnesses to God, even if against yourselves, or your parents and relatives. Whether they are rich or poor, God is more worthy of them, so do not follow your desires from being just. And if you twist or turn away, then God is Expert over what you do." [Qur'an 4:135]

One wonders why a lot of parents want sons and are not too happy with daughters. It is because they get to keep the son and get bonus down the line. Those whom Allah blesses with only daughters feel helpless, as they know that their daughter will be "married off", into another family, to obviously the common insensitive man who will be ignorant of his wifes parents/family.

I felt the above points need to be bought to attention. We are always quick to say marriage is based on giving and taking equally. But what is the proportion of give and take between husband and wife in reality?

A_Muminah · #2 (**permalink**) 09-10-2007, 08:33 PM

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum,

That happens because a lot of times people throw religion out the window and base it on dumb (and evil) practices.

Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah

iamcrazy · #3 (**permalink**) 09-11-2007, 08:03 AM

Walykum asalam

What is taboo?

Ilikemyscarf · #4 (**permalink**) 09-11-2007, 08:26 AM

Excellent post.

vegetables · #5 (**permalink**) 09-11-2007, 12:27 PM

Assalamu Alaykum,

Reading this is exactly what had happened to my sister word for word. It started out exactly how you described and got even worse to the point that she is not allowed to contact us in anyway ever again because according to her and her husband "we have hurt her enough".
Long story short he kicked her out at 4am and we had to go pick her up, he got drunk and wrote our family an EXTREMEMLY disturbing email which got him arrested, restraining orders and fired from his job. He continued to send emails saying he wasn't sorry for what he did and he just had this extremely arrogant attitude. In the end she went back to him because "in Islam your spoused to be loyal to your husband"...........
His family has no idea all this has happened. In fact I'm contemplating whether to forward his emails to them..

AceOfHearts · #6 (**permalink**) 09-11-2007, 01:20 PM

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