The husband gains everything and the wife loses everything...

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

Originally Posted by MuslimZ

How about marrying a God-loving man? You're more likely to be satisfied by one who is motivated by love and contentment than one who lives constantly under the shadow of fear. And don't be so sure that all men are the same and that you must be dreaming to think all your rights will be met. Too many of the few good men have been slighted and burned by this mentality. Believe me, you don't have to compromise if you don't want to.

This problem usually occurs when women marry so-called "deeni" men because they think taqwa and religiosity are all that matter; even if the dude's a jerk. What they forget is that "deen" means an entire way of life. Their character, ambitions, interests, humor, hobbies, dreams, aspirations; all these together make up the "deen" of a person. You must search for the most holistic of matches and not try to rationalize "well we're completely different, but at least he's religious". This is where the biggest source of disappointment and conflict comes from and why women often get burned, abused, and betrayed by personalities and mentalities that are entirely alien to them.

it's so strange that you corrected me by giving preference to a God LOVING man as I have been thinking about that... acts out of love and acts out of fear. The one who strives to please Allah through love will always insha Allah strive to please Him, whereas the one who merely fears Him might only try to stay away from that which displeases Him. Excellent post

[Nana]

I know many cases just like this. But just to show not all is one sided, the case with my brother.
He got married to a girl who has no brothers, but 1 sister. So he recognized the "vonurability" of her parents in the way that they might end up alone one day.
My parents bought them an apartment in the same city her parents live in, so that she can always go and spend some time with them and sister. He is also there for them if there is something to be done, to help them and they always visit each other. So in this case, her parents got a son, she has a husband and my parents see him only few times a year, because they live abroad.
There is always one side that gains. But my parents don't mind that they don't see their son as long as he is happy in his marriage. Ok, ok my mother cries a lot, but thats life.

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

that's really nice to hear, nana, most parents (mothers) don't accomodate for the wife (and her family) until (if) they realise before it's too late that they're going to lose their son,

May Allah swt protect us from those who seek to sow discord between husband and wife and make us of the mu'mineen....ameen.

[MoonStar]

I'm sure we all know of such cases, or even where the husband is a nice guy but the motherinlaw treats the daughter in law badly and the husband is a mama's boy and doesn't step in much.

anyway, regarding who'll take care of the parents if there are no sons around, my aunt was the youngest child of my grandparents and she wanted to marry someone in the same town so she'd be close to her parents. She got married to a guy who lived 10 minutes away, joint family with several sons and their wives but everyone gets their own apartment in the family building so you have some privacy. She doesn't have mother in law problems due to having a separate space and strong personality, and it probably helps that her parents are nearby and the inlaws know there's someone there for her. My aunt visits my grandparents every day with her kids which really brightens up their day, she takes them to their doctors appointments and makes sure they're eating right, she takes them out so they're not sitting at home all the time, and her husband treats them like his own parents, he does so much for them without even being asked. Without her there would be no other children living near them so I'm glad she choose to do that and got a husband who respected that as well.

[AceOfHearts]

Originally Posted by Pushpa

Alhamdulillah I don't have those problems myself, but I do worry about what will happen to my own parents in their old age, especially as they don't have any sons, and so as the eldest child AND as the wife of an only son, there's almost a double burden of responsibility, which I hope my in-laws will understand when they start living with us.

Rant over.

Inshallah, I pray they will. I understand what you mean when you say "double responsiblity". Hopefully, inshallah everything will work out for you.

Originally Posted by Pushpa

AceOfHearts - I wish i could rep you. I have seen the exact same scenario played out before my very eyes and it is still happening. It got to the stage that when the family in question went 'back home' on holiday, the in-laws wouldn't let the girl go and stay with her parents, who she hadn't seen for 10 years. In the end, the parents had to come to the inlaws' house, and they only saw their ONLY DAUGHTER, who had been living five thousand miles away for the past 10 years, for a few hours.The only word I can think of to describe it is, "evil", and the only thing I can say is that husbands need to be more aware of when a line is being crossed and for the love of God, stand up for their wives! This poor woman is on the brink of divorcing her husband, but she won't for the sake of the kids, and it is all because he was never man enough to say to his mother, 'that's enough now'. One time I was sitting there and she was saying how if a man's mother wants him to divorce his wife, he should, and she went on about such-and-such who was so good to his mother and did everythign for her. I couldn't understand what point she was trying to make as her own son has sacrificed EVERYTHING for this tyrannical and deranged old woman, including his own relationship with his WIFE, the mother of his children. I thought I was going to be sick.

The "evilness" of these mother-in-laws vary. However most have a degree of evilness regardless. And it is sickening how most men just accept evil, they simply want to take a girl from another house all for their own benefit.

Originally Posted by Nana

I know many cases just like this. But just to show not all is one sided, the case with my brother.
He got married to a girl who has no brothers, but 1 sister. So he recognized the "vonurability" of her parents in the way that they might end up alone one day.
My parents bought them an apartment in the same city her parents live in, so that she can always go and spend some time with them and sister. He is also there for them if there is something to be done, to help them and they always visit each other. So in this case, her parents got a son, she has a husband and my parents see him only few times a year, because they live abroad.
There is always one side that gains. But my parents don't mind that they don't see their son as long as he is happy in his marriage. Ok, ok my mother cries a lot, but thats life.

Alhamdulillah, that is very nice of your parents. Thanks for sharing this, it was uplifting to hear. This is the way to go, and I pray Allah guides your brother and your family more towards justness, and kindness.

Originally Posted by MoonStar

I'm sure we all know of such cases, or even where the husband is a nice guy but the motherinlaw treats the daughter in law badly and the husband is a mama's boy and doesn't step in much.

Yes, those are too common. It comes from conditioning of the mind by society. The men think they should love and care for their parents (Islamically), and so it makes sense for them to get a wife to fulfil it. They will never see the other of it, ever, because they have been "brainwashed" by society that it is normal for only women to make sacrifices for their husbands, so much so that it goes 0% unappreciated if she does.

Unfortunately, some "religious" men have found "religous" basis for this by saying, serving their parents is "obedience to the husband" as taught by "Islam", so they say it is an obligation. The narrow mindedness (let alone the false tradition they are following) is aparent. They on the other hand, dont have to do anything for their wives.

People who have inherent inclination to follow the majority and that which are taught to be right, without an open mind (most people), are likely to adapt these 'evil' attitudes, albeit inadvertently.

Originally Posted by MoonStar

anyway, regarding who'll take care of the parents if there are no sons around, my aunt was the youngest child of my grandparents and she wanted to marry someone in the same town so she'd be close to her parents. She got married to a guy who lived 10 minutes away, joint family with several sons and their wives but everyone gets their own apartment in the family building so you have some privacy. She doesn't have mother in law problems due to having a separate space and strong personality, and it probably helps that her parents are nearby and the inlaws know there's someone there for her. My aunt visits my grandparents every day with her kids which really brightens up their day, she takes them to their doctors appointments and makes sure they're eating right, she takes them out so they're not sitting at home all the time, and her husband treats them like his own parents, he does so much for them without even being asked. Without her there would be no other children living near them so I'm glad she choose to do that and got a husband who respected that as well.

That is really good to hear too. Especially that the the guy is also caring towards his wife's parents. Alhamdulillah.

These are very refreshing to hear indeed.

[nooni]

alhumdililah my family do not practice these evil things at all. when my aunts got married (all 8 of them), they stayed within close distance to my grandparents and so my aunts visit my grandparents almost everyday with their kids AND husbands, since my grandparents are very old now and need some assistance, my 8 aunts rotate each day who will sleep on which nights and take care of my grandparents. sometimes their husbands come and sleep in my grandparents house too. heck even when they go on vacations, teh husbands usually plan on it so that they go on vacations with their wives family and make it a big family thing. very nice uncles

[AceOfHearts]

Originally Posted by nooni

alhumdililah my family do not practice these evil things at all. when my aunts got married (all 8 of them), they stayed within close distance to my grandparents and so my aunts visit my grandparents almost everyday with their kids AND husbands, since my grandparents are very old now and need some assistance, my 8 aunts rotate each day who will sleep on which nights and take care of my grandparents. sometimes their husbands come and sleep in my grandparents house too. heck even when they go on vacations, teh husbands usually plan on it so that they go on vacations with their wives family and make it a big family thing. very nice uncles

That sounds really nice. alhamdulillah. Again, very enlightening to hear.

[AceOfHearts]

Originally Posted by nooni

alhumdililah my family do not practice these evil things at all. when my aunts got married (all 8 of them), they stayed within close distance to my grandparents and so my aunts visit my grandparents almost everyday with their kids AND husbands, since my grandparents are very old now and need some assistance, my 8 aunts rotate each day who will sleep on which nights and take care of my grandparents. sometimes their husbands come and sleep in my grandparents house too. heck even when they go on vacations, teh husbands usually plan on it so that they go on vacations with their wives family and make it a big family thing. very nice uncles

I also wanted to say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the husband living with his wife's parents. What is important to be done is the right thing, which considers all peoples well-being and not slefishly only for tha man's side. Why would it be wrong for him to be living with his parents in-law, especially if they are old and have no one else to look after them, and especially when his own parents already have many others to look after them?

For example, we see cases where the husband has plenty of family members in his house, and he marries a woman who is the only daughter (or a family of only daughters). He simply removes her from her home into his family of many people and does nothing to care for his wife's parents. Is it right for this man to be following societies conditioning? Is it not a good deed to be looking after his parent's in-law just like it is always taught to the women (rather cunningly) that it is a good deed to look after her parents-in-law? Most men in this case, will not do anything or anything significant to make suitable arrangements for their parents-in-law due to societies conditioning. What is the need for her to leave her parents, even in such dire circumstances, accept for societies norms? There is nothing wrong with a man moving in to live with the parents-in-law. We see that society, or the majority can drag people away from doing the right thing that would be pleasing to Allah.

Most men will follow the majority and will fail to analyse the situation using their consciences, independantly of what society imposes upon them. And most women are also convinced that that is the way ordained.

"If you obeyed most of those on Earth, they would misguide you from Allah's Way. They follow nothing but conjecture. They are only guessing." [Qur'an 6:116]

[AceOfHearts]

bump..........

[ShotgunMessiah]

Must be a cultural thing.

[LEGALEAGLE]

Originally Posted by Khairan

It's terrible that this happened to your sister, and I'm very sorry to hear about it. Unfortunately, it's not just in Islamic culture that this sort of behaviour flourishes -- it's a huge problem in America too, for instance. There is a mentality wherein the abused woman feels that her abuser loves her and that he cannot "help himself" when he does what he does, or that somehow she has provoked the behaviour and so cannot and should not blame him for his actions.

Actually Khairan I've come across one of your fellow medical professionals (goes to Harvard) who actually wanted a man who would abuse her so that she could fight with him and then make up.

According to her that was the basis of a good marriage.

She was a big fan of the MBTI.

Who's to blame in this ?

[Bruinrab]

Originally Posted by LEGALEAGLE

Actually Khairan I've come across one of your fellow medical professionals (goes to Harvard) who actually wanted a man who would abuse her so that she could fight with him and then make up.

According to her that was the basis of a good marriage.

She was a big fan of the MBTI.

Who's to blame in this ?

Freud (hey, he's a great scapegoat in any psych-related argument).

There's something to be said for "play-fighting" that's truly playful (one would assume ), but I can't believe that any sane woman would want to really be abused. Perhaps she just needed one good thappar to put some sense in her.

[sally]

Originally Posted by MuslimZ

How about marrying a God-loving man? You're more likely to be satisfied by one who is motivated by love and contentment than one who lives constantly under the shadow of fear. And don't be so sure that all men are the same and that you must be dreaming to think all your rights will be met. Too many of the few good men have been slighted and burned by this mentality. Believe me, you don't have to compromise if you don't want to.

This problem usually occurs when women marry so-called "deeni" men because they think taqwa and religiosity are all that matter; even if the dude's a jerk. What they forget is that "deen" means an entire way of life. Their character, ambitions, interests, humor, hobbies, dreams, aspirations; all these together make up the "deen" of a person. You must search for the most holistic of matches and not try to rationalize "well we're completely different, but at least he's religious". This is where the biggest source of disappointment and conflict comes from and why women often get burned, abused, and betrayed by personalities and mentalities that are entirely alien to them.

A+ job

cant believe i actually agree with you

[infamousbrown]

My sister was engaged for just under a year, the wedding scheduled for last May.

Alhamdullilah she got a look at his true colors before the wedding because she broke it off pretty quickly, I think early March of last year.

What scares me is that had she not been as strong as she is she could caved to the pressure put on her and gone through with the wedding. She very well could be living the same situation as many of the poor women mentioned below.

I'd probably be in jail for beating the hell out of him. Damn its been a year and I still feel like mopping up a parking lot with his scrawny ass.

Cooler heads prevailed -- plus my dad put it this way "You're mad?? Don't be mad... be thankful he showed her what he was really like before she got stuck"

[thejellymill]

Originally Posted by infamousbrown

I'd probably be in jail for beating the hell out of him. Damn its been a year and I still feel like mopping up a parking lot with his scrawny ass.

I knew a guy who beat up his sister's husband in a parking lot (slammed his head into a car) because the husband beat the wife up really bad and abused the kids. Needless to say, "justice" prevailed and the cops took the brother straight to jail