[bluey]

Assalam Alaykum,

A friend forwarded this to me. I found it interesting. I have mixed view points about this. I thought it would make a good discussion here. Read till the end.

A Few Good Men: American Muslim women bemoan lack of 'good' male suitors

By SONDOS KHOLOKI-KAHF, Staff Writer

Afaf*, 25, has been searching for a husband for a solid two years to no avail.

"All my friends were getting married by the age of 22, so, naturally, I wanted to be part of the 'wedding club,'" she recalls. "And, of course, there was this romantic notion that it would be the love story of love stories."

Afaf started feeling the pressure as her friends talked endlessly about wedding dresses, halal caterers and honeymoons, even though she had not been planning on getting married while in college.

"For whatever reason, getting married seemed to be the only, if not main, goal they strived for," she says. "So, I felt I had to have this goal as well, and felt lacking among my friends that I was not married upon completion of my undergraduate studies."

Thus began her search after graduating from college. When suitors came knocking, Afaf was surprised at the mediocrity of the suitors available and was left wondering, "Where are all the 'good guys'?"

Afaf, now a first-year law student, is one of thousands of American Muslim women between the ages of 25 and 30 struggling to find a decent suitor. Educated, pious, beautiful and accomplished, these women should have a gaggle of like-minded men waiting outside their doors. Unfortunately, the few, if any, men who approach these women appear less than satisfactory.

"I tend to meet two types [of men]," says Maryam*, 28, who has also been searching for a mate since college. "The first is the practicing Muslim brother who has his act together, but unfortunately has some really incompatible ideas about women and gender roles. The second type I meet is progressive and open-minded and is truly looking for a partner in life, but is not a practicing Muslim."

"For me," Afaf says, "a good man is someone who lives a balanced life between Western and Eastern culture, giving precedence to religion."

The lack of noteworthy male suitors is a topic frequently discussed between female friends. Muslim women are frustrated with the options left, and many are worried that their degrees and careers are getting in the way of meeting Mr. Right.

"We've been pushing young women to get educated and to get jobs, and now they're being penalized for their ambition," according to Munira Ezzeldine, author of "Before the Wedding: 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married."

"However, while these men are impressed with a successful and active woman, they do not consider her 'marriage material,'" Ezzeldine adds. "Despite the elevation of women, many men have maintained traditional ideas as to the type of wife they seek. After all, they do not see anything wrong with the way their mother was."

"I recently had a suitor who told me he would be willing to help me [around the house] by not making a mess," Afaf recalls, adding he also told her she should not use her job as an excuse to ask him to help out at home.

"Furthermore, if he comes home from work hungry, I guess that would mean I would have to work part-time in order to have dinner prepared and ready when he comes home. I think that is the most frustrating aspect of being a female, only to be seen as a maid and a cook," she says.

Dr. Maher Hathout, spokesman for the Islamic Center of Southern California, agrees. "Men are being programmed by their parents to look for a specific kind of woman: submissive, comforting, shy, and obedient," he says. "The reality is that women are educated and looking to be comrades in marriage."

The marriage crisis materializes when these women in their late 20s and early 30s become settled in their careers or studies and seem like less desirable options to men because they will not bend into this traditional role. While these women work on their personal goals, young Muslim men appear to give up on them and marry from "back home" or marry non-Muslims, making the pool of suitors even smaller.

"Education is becoming a sore point for the girls because the guy moves on," says Shaikh Sadullah Khan, executive director of Religious Affairs at the Islamic Center of Irvine. "Our immigrant community has this mentality that our kid must graduate first, and for the girl, we're stressing graduation versus marriage."

Indeed, a startling number of young Muslim women are finding themselves scrambling to find a husband before reaching their 30s and possibly never marrying. Many accomplished and educated young women end up lowering their standards for the sake of avoiding lifelong loneliness.

"Unless this crisis is addressed seriously, honestly and scientifically, it will lead to the disintegration of our community through a dilution of the next generation Islamically, a sudden revolt against marriage by women or a decrease in self-esteem among wives who lowered their standards just to marry," Hathout warns.

One young Muslim bachelor still searching for a spouse shares his take on the seeming lack of "good guys" on his weblog, "Marriage & Islam: The Quest for the Sweet One." In the post, Quest, as he is called to maintain anonymity, states that the worthiest bachelors start looking for a spouse when they are in their early 20s to "satisfy their built-in, intense desire for women. ... And this desire is always there, in the back of every man's mind since puberty, like a ticking [bomb]."

These young, pious men begin looking for a wife, Quest reasons, who is closest to their age — basically, 19 to 21 years old.

"And what are these 'good, smart ambitious girls' doing when they're in that age range?" Quest writes. "They're also busy working on their education" and aren't considering marriage. Or those who are considering marriage may be in a different location, so the two never meet, and the bachelors get fed up and marry from back home, he says.

Essentially, Quest emphasizes that the lack of a meeting forum is at the heart of the issue. "I think that is the BIGGEST problem – Muslims are scattered all over the country, and we're not well connected. It's hard to identify, know about, and meet the families of all the 'good girls' in a major metropolitan city, let alone the country," he explains. "We put all these obstacles between faithful Muslim guys and girls, that I think even a Muslim Tom Cruise would have a hard time marrying!"

With the current circumstances at hand, Ezzeldine advises young women to plan realistically. "You have to realize that you can't have it all," she says. "It's not going to be a fairy-tale where you excel at school, work 40-hour weeks, and marry a perfect guy. If you want to focus on a job or a higher degree, know that you might not have time to meet people."

Quest echoes this sentiment by clarifying that women shouldn't have to give up their goals, but should realize that in doing so, they are taking a risk. "The longer they delay marriage in favor of education, the less [number of ] eligible men they'll meet once they're ready for marriage," he says. "And marriage and education are not necessarily conflicting. With the right husband, both can continue. It's definitely a topic that should be brought up when considering a potential husband," he adds.

Dr. Hathout also favors a path that allows for both education and marriage to flourish simultaneously. "We need to change the current family model into one that builds the self, the family, and each other at the same time," he says. "Think of marriage as a tennis match — you want to play doubles, not singles, to win. In other words, struggle together and build your empire together. You are ready for marriage as long as you can get food on the table and a roof over your head, and there's a potentiality for growth," he stresses.

Ezzeldine draws on the life of the Prophet Muhammad for guidance, specifically the example of his relationship with Khadijah.

"The Prophet's first wife, Khadijah, was an established career woman who was 15 years older than her husband," Ezzeldine says. "Khadijah was a very confident and successful woman who actually proposed to the 24-year-old Muhammad. Yet, the Prophet was not intimidated by her nor found her 'unmarriageable.' They maintained a strong marriage as she continued to be a businesswoman, as well as wife and mother."

Ezzeldine goes on to remind Muslims that Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah were married for 28 years, the longest of all his marriages. "Many Muslim women seek not to compete with men, but rather to establish a partnership with their spouse," she continues. "Ultimately, these women want to be cherished and loved in the same way that the Prophet loved Khadijah. This type of partnership in marriage can only exist when both people are accepting and respectful of one another's ambitions and priorities in life."

Afaf has not given up searching for Mr. Right, but meanwhile uses school as a welcome distraction. "I used to be obsessed about marriage until I entered law school," she says. "Pursuing my graduate studies has really allowed me to learn a lot about myself and to focus on things that matter. It is very sad to see girls who are 22 and depressed as to why they are not married. I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn't define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree."

* Names have been changed.

Southern California InFocus - A Few Good Men: American Muslim women bemoan lack of ‘good’ male suitors

[Jamroll]

I agree. Women should not be educated past a certain point. It ruins their marriage prospects.

[frosama]

Yea I agree with Jamroll. To be truthful, not many guys including myself are willing to marry a woman who makes more than them or comes home at the same time/later than them.

[Timbit]

Ha. I'd rather stay unmarried then.

[ChotooMotoo]

I hope you're joking Jamroll.

I would think having an educated wife would be viewed more as an asset than a liability.

[proudtobemuslim]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

I agree. Women should not be educated past a certain point. It ruins their marriage prospects.

Are you smoking the green or the white stuff?????????

[Abu_Hind]

Originally Posted by frosama

Yea I agree with Jamroll. To be truthful, not many guys including myself are willing to marry a woman who makes more than them or comes home at the same time/later than them.

Lol. Basically the gist of the article is that women aren't getting married because they don't want to accept the traditional role of a wife.

[wheelworks]

I think the main problem is that when women reach for the skys, they want to marry someone who reaches for the skys too. Unfortunately the men who reaches for the skys get married off quickly donchaknow

[Salika]

I've met a lot of guys who didn't care that I was going to law school. Most of my suitors didn't care actually. I found it was usually an issue of general compatibility. It's not always one extreme "he's either a non religious sincere guy or a religious woman hater." There are many men in the middle but sometimes it's other things that are at issue, like personality compatiblity, culture, viewpoints on things that don't relate to these matters, timing, families, etc...

My husband was telling me how he has this friend who really wanted to marry an uneducated woman (though he wasn't particularly educated either) because he felt like he could mold her and be the boss, but years later, he hates her now. They can't communicate, they are on two different levels, she just seems to be slow. He only stays with her for the sake of the family it seems. My husband said he learned from that and that the solution is not that men marry women with less education but that men step it up. A doctor is not going to feel insecure marrying a lawyer or fellow doctor.

One thing that I really do agree with though is that there is not enough meeting ground for young Muslims. We're dispersed all over and we need to have a more formal way of people meeting. Perhaps a Muslim version of eharmony.com or something.

[Jamroll]

Educated women are dangerous.

[ChotooMotoo]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Educated women are dangerous.

To your ego maybe

They are great for the paycheck, and being able to do things like support the family, give sadaqa, take vacations and the like.

[frosama]

Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo

To your ego maybe

They are great for the paycheck, and being able to do things like support the family, give sadaqa, take vacations and the like.

What about cook dinner?

[ShotgunMessiah]

Originally Posted by wheelworks

I think the main problem is that when women reach for the skys, they want to marry someone who reaches for the skys too. Unfortunately the men who reaches for the skys get married off quickly donchaknow

This is probably more of an issue than anything else.

I'll admit, I always thought I'd feel a bit displaced marrying someone more educated than me, but after I got married my wife got her bachelor's degree and I'm still sitting here with nothing and it's really not a big deal.

Guys who get hung up on that probably think it will be more of an issue than it really is throughout the marriage. They need to realize that it's really just life that you live, and no matter who's making more or who's got higher education it's not a competition and unless you (the guy) make it an issue it won't be one.

Originally Posted by frosama

What about cook dinner?

My wife cooks dinner Mmmmm spaghetti. And pizza. And kabobs. And barbecued chicken. And tuna salad. Mmmmmm I wish I were at home now.

[Jamroll]

Educated women ask for rights. Rights are not good. You give people rights, and the next thing you know, the sky falls on our heads. Is that what you really want?