[Tiger786]

Would you marry someone purely to please your parents?

[jaani]

Originally Posted by Tiger786

Would you marry someone purely to please your parents?

That almost sounds like an arranged marriage.....almost

~j

[sally]

'there must be some sort of balance between what you want and what your parents want' - a really wise islamican.

[sally]

Originally Posted by jaani

That almost sounds like an arranged marriage.....almost

~j

you mean like a forced marriage.

plenty of marriages are arranged. by people who introduce their friends to each other, parents who introduce their kids to each other

and of course, all marriages are arranged by fate

arranged marriage doesn't always equate to a forced marriage. force can be part of an arranged marriage but not always or necessarily.

[Tiger786]

Originally Posted by jaani

That almost sounds like an arranged marriage.....almost

~j

yeah......

[jaani]

Originally Posted by sally

you mean like a forced marriage.

plenty of marriages are arranged. by people who introduce their friends to each other, parents who introduce their kids to each other

and of course, all marriages are arranged by fate

arranged marriage doesn't always equate to a forced marriage. force can be part of an arranged marriage but not always or necessarily.

Because the OP said 'purely to please your parents', I answered in that way. And you're right, arranged doesn't mean forced, but the OP implies it is and it could both be forced or not.

But I assumed it was a forced arranged marriage because Tiger had this face in OP:

I guess the way she worded it with that sad face just made me think it was....

~j

[pathani]

no i wouldn't

That almost sounds like an arranged marriage.....almost

sounds like a forced marriage..not an arranged marriege, where u do have a say in if u want to marry them or not

[Bruinrab]

I've resisted so far. But I'm old now, so perhaps not the best person to ask from on this topic.

[PhDGirl]

Maybe the OP means a marriage where you just succumb to the pressure and say "okay, fine I'll marry him" versus your parents saying "YOU WILL MARRY HIM/HER". I know a girl who got married that way. I don't think it's a good idea to go into a marriage just for the intent to please your parents without thinking about if you can live with the person and build a life together or not. After all, you are the one who lives with your spouse!

[Tiger786]

Originally Posted by Bruinrab

I've resisted so far. But I'm old now, so perhaps not the best person to ask from on this topic.

well at least you did medicine so you were able to say "I'm not ready."

I'm getting old now too by desi standards and the pressure is getting pretty intense. I've been lectured by pretty much everyone in my family as well as numerous family friends. I wish this would be easier for me.There were a few proposals that my parents liked but I don't. I made istikhara for one and I had a negative feeling inside after doing it a few times.

[Bruinrab]

Originally Posted by Tiger786

well at least you did medicine so you were able to say "I'm not ready."

I'm getting old now too by desi standards and the pressure is getting pretty intense. I've been lectured by pretty much everyone in my family as well as numerous family friends. I wish this would be easier for me.There were a few proposals that my parents liked but I don't. I made istikhara for one and I had a negative feeling inside after doing it a few times.

Hmm...I was in a complicated (read "bad") relationship for a while, so that took up a few years too. And I agree with PhDGirl, you're the one who has to live with the guy. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[Tiger786]

Originally Posted by Bruinrab

Hmm...I was in a complicated (read "bad") relationship for a while, so that took up a few years too. And I agree with PhDGirl, you're the one who has to live with the guy. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

I feel like I'm living in hell. This topic comes up frequently and it seems the only way to please my parents is just to say yes and go through with it. They're saying "we won't force you" but that's basically what they are doing. I have been really obedient to my parents my entire life. I never went against them. I guess I deserve this for being so obedient to them...My mother was just saying today "You were so obedient all this time and now you are giving me a really hard time."

[Bruinrab]

Originally Posted by Tiger786

I feel like I'm living in hell. This topic comes up frequently and it seems the only way to please my parents is just to say yes and go through with it. They're saying "we won't force you" but that's basically what they are doing. I have been really obedient to my parents my entire life. I never went against them. I guess I deserve this for being so obedient to them...My mother was just saying today "You were so obedient all this time and now you are giving me a really hard time."

Sigh. You don't deserve this, certainly not for being obedient.

I wish I could give you a good solution.

It's hard, especially since desi parents do expect obedience and are notoriously good at using emotional blackmail... my dad's line is always "it's up to you", which really means "you know what I want, but if you want to go against that...". My mom's strategy lately has been to just assume that I agree with her opinion of people, and then I have to see/hear the disappointment when I say "I just don't feel it". And my parents aren't even bad at all, I'm just too easy to guilt-trip.

I've taken a lesson from my younger brothers in trying to recognize when they're pulling that crap and just ignoring it to tackle the issue head on. Now I just say "Look, I gave this person a chance because you asked me to, but it doesn't feel right, and I don't think we could make each other happy." Unfortunately, that means I keep having to speak to people I have no interest in.

I suppose you could pull their tactics on them and say "well, fine, I'll marry this person, but I'm going to be doing it purely for your sake, even though it means sacrificing my own happiness for the rest of my life. " Hopefully they don't say "OK ".

[Hanbali]

Originally Posted by Tiger786

I feel like I'm living in hell. This topic comes up frequently and it seems the only way to please my parents is just to say yes and go through with it. They're saying "we won't force you" but that's basically what they are doing. I have been really obedient to my parents my entire life. I never went against them. I guess I deserve this for being so obedient to them...My mother was just saying today "You were so obedient all this time and now you are giving me a really hard time."

It would not be fair to the guy for you to marry him if you don't feel it. Imagine how degraded he would feel if he knew that you married him just because you were forced. Somewhere out there is a girl who would love to marry him, so let him be with that person. Meanwhile, you will get someone who you would love to be with, insha-Allah.

Can you imagine your husband turning to you one day twenty years down the line, saying "I didn't want to marry you at all; my parents forced me to!"

[SoSoHalalish]

Originally Posted by Tiger786

I feel like I'm living in hell. This topic comes up frequently and it seems the only way to please my parents is just to say yes and go through with it. They're saying "we won't force you" but that's basically what they are doing. I have been really obedient to my parents my entire life. I never went against them. I guess I deserve this for being so obedient to them...My mother was just saying today "You were so obedient all this time and now you are giving me a really hard time."

I wouldn't. Thats a terrible thing for your parents to do to you, because they ARE forcing you. (desi parent emotional blackmail). It is your life, and you'll have to live with him. You'll have to live with the consequences that follow marriage to a man whom you find yourself incompatible with. Your parents are just giving you the usual desi drama dialogue. If I were you, I'd hold out against it. Don't be disrespectful, but don't give in. Make it clear for whatever reasons it is that you don't want to marry this person, and stand by your decision. Your parents will love you even if you tell them no, believe me. And they'll get over it.

Honestly, desi parents really do live through their children, entirely. Their lives were dictated for them, so they dictate their children's lives, since they never had one.