[m_ali_qazi]

Originally Posted by sumiyia

please clarify in what regard your argument and amal's arguments differ. we'll go from there insha'allah...

lol, what are you guys doing dude? dont waste your time, let em go.

[infamousbrown]

Yeah I'm done.

[nooni]

seriously though... this post overrules all.....

Originally Posted by raatkirani2005

This is where the whole problem lies. Living with the parents in the newlywed stage. That's where desis have it backwards!! For goodness sake, why must a newlywed couple live with the rest of the family, if it's not necessary?! It's awkward, to say the least: the girl and guy are barely getting to know each other, starting a physical relationship (which is definitely hard on the girl, if not both of them), the girl's probably scared and nervous starting a new life away from her family, emotions are running high, but for some reason, desis insist that all this be done in the glaring and judgemental eyes of the guy's family. How about this: the newlywed couple live on their own for a couple of years, make their way in the world, get to know each other, AND THEN, they can have the parents live with them or can go to live with the parents. By then, the couple is settled with one another, maybe there's already a baby or plans for one and the wife is established in her homemaking. Honestly, this would solve 99.9% of in-law problems.

[sumiyia]

Originally Posted by infamousbrown

Yeah I'm done.

why? it's just a healthy debate and helps keep things interesting. challenge the validity of something i put forward and one of two things happen: i defend what i said passionately, or i come around after being persuaded by a better argument.

[LEGALEAGLE]

Originally Posted by sumiyia

why? it's just a healthy debate and helps keep things interesting. challenge the validity of something i put forward and one of two things happen: i defend what i said passionately, or i come around after being persuaded by a better argument.

a woman can be persuaded ?...

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum



raatkirani good post.

My husband is the youngest but the middle son is now left in the house and has now shouldered responsibility, alhamdulilah,so i don't know about the 1st son bit?

I don't think there's a need to live with parents unless they need your help, but even then it can be done by living close by. My nan is in her 70s and is still capable of looking after herself, I don't understand why so many desis/arabs feel like they become crippled as soon as they hit 50/ their son gets married??

[Glasgow]

Originally Posted by IbnMardhiyah

Oh and Glasgow ... FYI ...

Once upon a time I used to think that the Islamic "rights" of myself or my future wife would supercede any and all other petty considerations, but I realized that kind of abrasive and egocentric approach can potentially lead to a lot of bad blood. One of our obligations in Islam is silatur-rahm - keeping up family relations and not severing them through either deliberate or inconsiderate behavior.

So keep that in mind as well.

You don't want to burn your bridges, especially the ones made of blood.

This is my problem right here.

Desi mentality of a lot of people: Separate living arrangements = severing family ties or behaving inconsiderately towards parents? Says who? I've seen this happen in families, where the kids are the parents neighbours or at least live in the same street/block as them.

[Haramoobobi]

In Mexico there's a region where the first-born girls never are allowed to marry and take care of parents.

[shadha]

Allahu Akbar for my parents. My parents believe in independence and not relying on or becoming parasites for their children to live with for the rest of their lives. My parents get offended at the thought of them having to be dependent on us. InshaAllah we plan on living close to my parents when they get old. If it's something serious we will have a home/apartment next door. So each still has their privacy and independence but we're close enough to oversee what's going down. I think that's the best way to do it.


shadha-

[sally]

Originally Posted by shadha

Allahu Akbar for my parents. My parents believe in independence and not relying on or becoming parasites for their children to live with for the rest of their lives. My parents get offended at the thought of them having to be dependent on us. InshaAllah we plan on living close to my parents when they get old. If it's something serious we will have a home/apartment next door. So each still has their privacy and independence but we're close enough to oversee what's going down. I think that's the best way to do it.


shadha-

wow...parasites...that's some nerve...you're funny. how is that anymore 'parasitic' than a fetus feeding off the insides of his/her carrier..i.e. the mother?

..yeah, exactly.

and believing in independance? obviously us brown folk have no idea what that's all about

[Khairan]

Originally Posted by raatkirani2005

This is where the whole problem lies. Living with the parents in the newlywed stage. That's where desis have it backwards!! For goodness sake, why must a newlywed couple live with the rest of the family, if it's not necessary?! It's awkward, to say the least: the girl and guy are barely getting to know each other, starting a physical relationship (which is definitely hard on the girl, if not both of them), the girl's probably scared and nervous starting a new life away from her family, emotions are running high, but for some reason, desis insist that all this be done in the glaring and judgemental eyes of the guy's family. How about this: the newlywed couple live on their own for a couple of years, make their way in the world, get to know each other, AND THEN, they can have the parents live with them or can go to live with the parents. By then, the couple is settled with one another, maybe there's already a baby or plans for one and the wife is established in her homemaking. Honestly, this would solve 99.9% of in-law problems.

I'll give my own example. When I was newlywed, I was taken to Pakistan immediately after the wedding (honeymoon was deferred), and within a year of returning, my MIL came to stay with us. I really resented it a lot. I hated the fact that my newlywed days were spent in my MIL's house and once she came to stay with us, we had plenty of ups and downs as we butted heads over how things were to be done in our apartment. I would take every criticism as a personal attack and she would take every action of my mine as a sign of disrespect (I once cut the okra too big and she didn't speak to me for two days--that's how bad it got). Fast forward eight years---I beg my husband to let me go to Pakistan, and I actually look forward to having my mother in law come and stay with us and we actually have a good relationship. I think it would be great for the kids and for her, and now, I'm far more confident in my homemaking and my relationship with my husband.

Most of us are in our 20's and 30s when we get married, making our parents in their 50's. They don't suddenly become old and crippled the day their son gets married. I think the best inlaws would be understanding of the situation, continue as is, keep busy for a few years, enjoy the peace and, eventually, within a few years, I'm sure the son and daughter in law will take care of them fully and properly. Just because you're child is married doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep active. Give them space initially, and you will reap the rewards later. (Of course, it should be understood by the wife before she enters the marriage that she will one day have to help care for her inlaws)

My mother is very adamant about refusing to live with me after I am married. My master plan is for my parents to keep a place where they are now, and then get them an apartment/condo wherever it is that I settle down and let them come and go as they please.

[Variable]

Originally Posted by Khairan

My mother is very adamant about refusing to live with me after I am married.

I don't blame her...

If someone's gonna want there kids to live with them when they're married... I hope they have sound proof doors and walls in the new couples bedroom - (a little awkward?)

[Glasgow]

Originally Posted by Variable

I don't blame her...

If someone's gonna want there kids to live with them when they're married... I hope they have sound proof doors and walls in the new couples bedroom - (a little awkward?)

Exactly.. nice to see more people on the same wavelength. I always wonder if children who are made to stay with their parents after marriage are ever resentful and bitter. And any whoo absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[Variable]

Originally Posted by Glasgow

Exactly.. nice to see more people on the same wavelength. I always wonder if children who are made to stay with their parents after marriage are ever resentful and bitter. And any whoo absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Yeh cuz nothing beats intimate moments when you're in close quarters.... with your parents



(I was almost tempted to use the barf smiley. That would've been a first)