[Timbit]

Why do people force their kids into marriages they don't want to be in? Do some parents not care about their kids at all?

I heard about three this week (people I know or would consider my acquaintances, if not friends) and it made me so mad.

Two are women who're already married but I just found out that they were pressured into their marriages.

1. Finished two years of university here and her parents arranged for her to marry a guy in the UK because they found out she had a boyfriend. This was last year and I had asked her what she's going to do about school and she said she'd transfer to a school in England. Guess what? Yesterday, I found out (from her sister) that she's pregnant now and due in a week and not very happy and her communication with her own family is limited. She used to be able to use her husband's laptop but now that's "strictly for work purposes"

2. Pressured into marrying her cousin in Afghanistan who's still over there. Meanwhile, she's over here and it's obvious that she's not ready for the exclusive commitment of a marriage

3. A guy who was so bad so his parents thought a marriage would tame him. What the hell? If your kid is messed up, deal with it. Why're you gonna foist him onto some poor unsuspecting girl?

Actually, there's another kid I know like that. He's 17 and is engaged to his cousin back home. Of course he's still messing around with girls here. He's like in denial or something. And come to think of it, there's another girl who's doing the exact same thing...engaged to a guy who's in India but has a boyfriend here.


Gahhhhhhhhh. What's wrong with people?

[Jamroll]

Originally Posted by Timbit

1. Finished two years of university here and her parents arranged for her to marry a guy in the UK because they found out she had a boyfriend. This was last year and I had asked her what she's going to do about school and she said she'd transfer to a school in England. Guess what? Yesterday, I found out (from her sister) that she's pregnant now and due in a week and not very happy and her communication with her own family is limited. She used to be able to use her husband's laptop but now that's "strictly for work purposes"

I don't mean to dampen your friend's hopes, but I think she can probably say goodbye to going to uni in the UK. British Muslim communities are pretty conservative, relatively speaking, anyway, and going on what you've said about the laptop and family communication, I don't think her new family will be happy with her going to study.

[Variable]

I knew a girl like that. I worked with here at Co op, and she disappeared to Lebanon suddenly. Somehow though she made it back, and I saw her months later... she was really ashamed about what happened. I felt really bad for her, she's a sweet kid.

[Timbit]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

I don't mean to dampen your friend's hopes, but I think she can probably say goodbye to going to uni in the UK. British Muslim communities are pretty conservative, relatively speaking, anyway, and going on what you've said about the laptop and family communication, I don't think her new family will be happy with her going to study.

Conservative as in they don't let their girls go to university?

I'm not in touch with her anymore so I don't know exactly what's going on there; I'm going by what her sister told me. Gah. I think if she's so unhappy, she should leave... but there's probably something preventing her from doing that.

Consider also that the younger sister is now turning away from Islam because her apparently religious parents forced her older sister into a marriage in which she's now unhappy. She wears a hijab only 'cause she's forced to.

[Jamroll]

Originally Posted by Timbit

Conservative as in they don't let their girls go to university?

Conservative as in they don't let their girls go to university, yes.

[sleepy_eyes]

Originally Posted by Variable

I knew a girl like that. I worked with here at Co op, and she disappeared to Lebanon suddenly. Somehow though she made it back, and I saw her months later... she was really ashamed about what happened. I felt really bad for her, she's a sweet kid.

I don't believe in forced marriages. No one can make you marry someone you don't. And if they do than it's you too blame. Know the law, Know your rights, you have a mouth...USE IT!

[Timbit]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Conservative as in they don't let their girls go to university, yes.

Oh. my. God.
Why? What's the reasoning behind that?

And tell me you denounce that please, Jamroll.

[Asvi]

So sad !
I always hear about how parents are black mailing their kids into marrying the people they have choosen for their children. How can you not take your children's feelings into account?

[zakk]

Originally Posted by sleepy_eyes

I don't believe in forced marriages. No one can make you marry someone you don't. And if they do than it's you too blame. Know the law, Know your rights, you have a mouth...USE IT!

Well, there ARE instances where people fear actual death or bodily harm.

Then again, there are people who allow themselves to be coerced into marriage, and turn their whole life into a big excuse to wallow in self-pity.

It is not islamic to force people to marry, but neither is it islamic to become bitter and inactive about your life. Nobody is given a burden greater than they can bear, we need to turn to Allah and be brutally honest with ourselves if we find ourselves in difficult situations.

[zzze]

asssalamu alaykum

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Conservative as in they don't let their girls go to university, yes.

universities across the UK are FULL of Muslim girls

[zakk]

Originally Posted by Timbit

Oh. my. God.
Why? What's the reasoning behind that?
.

Because educating girls makes them less moldable.

Terribly enough, it is a common enough strategy of oppression.

[sally]

im probably gonna get slapped for saying this, along with a lot of negative reps

but let me just make it clear that this CERTAINLY doesnt apply to every set of parents

BUT ive seen this to be the case for a LOT of girls..they just REFUSE to speak up or make their voice heard, period. they clearly can if they did, push their decision on their parents but they are either too timid to do so or think it's not going to accomplish anything.

for a few girls ive known to have gone through something similar..there was a way out..and it was just a plain and simple, no i'm not doing this type of thing.

man, if astagfirullah this were to ever dawn on me, i'd call up a sheikh and have him talk to my parents, or call one over to our house an have a meeting.

thankfully i dont have to worry about something of that nature..and it's just such an unbelievably refreshing and comfortable feeling to know that your family wouldnt ever put you through something like that..and so i cant imagine what it must feel like to feel unsafe with your own family

[Timbit]

Originally Posted by zakk

Because educating girls makes them less moldable.

Terribly enough, it is a common enough strategy of oppression.

Definitely. But one of my friends told me yesterday that in her community (Gujarati people in Toronto), they tend to not educate the women because the men aren't educated... so if they become too educated, then they won't be able to find a good match in their community.

Okay, everybody post what you would do if you were being forced into a marriage. Realistically. So instead of whining about this issue or looking down upon people who 'allow' themselves to be forced into a marriage, we can think of ways to solve it.

[Variable]

Originally Posted by Timbit

Okay, everybody post what you would do if you were being forced into a marriage. Realistically. So instead of whining about this issue or looking down upon people who 'allow' themselves to be forced into a marriage, we can think of ways to solve it.

I'd go hide out on the mosquito coast of Honduras.

[zakk]

Originally Posted by Timbit

. So instead of whining about this issue or looking down upon people who 'allow' themselves to be forced into a marriage, we can think of ways to solve it.
:

Just for the record, I would never look down on someone who allowed themselves to get coerced into marriage. Only the people who have options and feel that the best one is to continually malign their spouses in same-gender gatherings- basically the ones who can't get over one incident in their lives and allow it to stain everything.

Also, not being to say anything is fine, but you must realize that whatever your parents did, it is most likely not your husband/wife's fault you had to marry them... they don't deserve your ire especially if you're the one who didn't refuse the match. I've seen a lot of marriages that are in shambles mostly because one party couldn't forgive the spouse the fact that their own parents pushed them and they themselves did nothing.