[Whatyosayin]

Salaams,

Is it normal these days for people to HAVE to get physical with their potential husband/wife before marriage? I have been getting to know someone in the past few weeks, and he keeps trying to get me to get physical with him, even though he knows my values, and how I feel about it. He says he understands, but when I told him I dont think it is right to cuddle and kiss and hold hands before marriage, he replied, "If you think you can justify it to yourself". OF COURSE I can justify it to myself, how can you justify zina to yourself? If you pray regularly, but also commit zina, dont you feel like less of a Muslim? That you are betraying Allah swt and what He decreed for us humans not to succumb to our desires? If a guy really likes a girl, and is interested in her for marriage, would he really make her feel guilty or feel asexual and prudish for not wanting to do anything before marriage? He asked me what I thought about his lips, or if I noticed them. Do guys ask these things to girls who are religious? He also told me that is very understanding of things, but these needs are important to him. What about what is important to Allah swt? It seems like most Muslims these days seem to not consider zina as a sin anymore. Am I overreacting or is this the norm these days?

[shadha]

If you're uncomfortable, say no. If he can't respect you or your faith to accept that and back down until marriage, then he isn't worth your time. He's just a desperate dude trying to guilt you into giving him some free milk. Tell him to piss off.


shadha-

[wheelworks]

I've only got one piece of advice for you:

Stop seeing him and drop him like a hot brick before your life gets ruined.

[Whatyosayin]

Maybe I should also add that I am not hijabi, so for some reason, people think that non-hijabis are "liberal" and willing to do anything, but thats not true. Also, most of my friends are married these days, and alot of them were quite liberal with their boyfriends before marriage, which makes me wonder if that is a prerequisite for all guys. If I dont get physical before marriage, but not wear hijab, does this mean I am never going to get married??? Surely, not everyone is like this?

[wheelworks]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

Maybe I should also add that I am not hijabi, so for some reason, people think that non-hijabis are "liberal" and willing to do anything, but thats not true. Also, most of my friends are married these days, and alot of them were quite liberal with their boyfriends before marriage, which makes me wonder if that is a prerequisite for all guys. If I dont get physical before marriage, but not wear hijab, does this mean I am never going to get married??? Surely, not everyone is like this?

Well if you do not go to your local Masjid, then you won't meet the stronger Muslims. Looks like you're currently hanging around the wrong crowd donchaknow

[heba]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

Maybe I should also add that I am not hijabi, so for some reason, people think that non-hijabis are "liberal" and willing to do anything, but thats not true. Also, most of my friends are married these days, and alot of them were quite liberal with their boyfriends before marriage, which makes me wonder if that is a prerequisite for all guys. If I dont get physical before marriage, but not wear hijab, does this mean I am never going to get married??? Surely, not everyone is like this?

dump this dude and find someone who is on the same level religion wise as you are
no, its not normal for people who are religious to get physical before marriage
hes a horn-dog. 'nuff said

[YOUSUFofSD]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

Maybe I should also add that I am not hijabi, so for some reason, people think that non-hijabis are "liberal" and willing to do anything, but thats not true. Also, most of my friends are married these days, and alot of them were quite liberal with their boyfriends before marriage, which makes me wonder if that is a prerequisite for all guys. If I dont get physical before marriage, but not wear hijab, does this mean I am never going to get married??? Surely, not everyone is like this?

It isnt a prerequuisite for all guys, just the wrong ones. If he is starting off like this...it seems like it will probably get worse. Inshallah things will work out for you.

[vegetables]

This fella is doochebag. He's not respecting your boundaries even after you told him, leave this guy before he hurts you. He is NOT a good guy.

[IbnMardhiyah]

Originally Posted by heba

dump this dude and find someone who is on the same level religion wise as you are
no, its not normal for people who are religious to get physical before marriage
hes a horn-dog. 'nuff said

Ditto.

This guy has no respect for you.

leave him.

[Whatyosayin]

Originally Posted by wheelworks

Well if you do not go to your local Masjid, then you won't meet the stronger Muslims. Looks like you're currently hanging around the wrong crowd donchaknow

I've gone to matrimonial dinners at the biggest masjid in the city twice, and it was pretty excruciating for my friends and I. Sure there are alot of people, but doesnt mean everyone who goes, is there for the right intentions either. Or that you will like them or they will like you. People still look at shade of skin colour, prettyness, hijab, culture, proffesion, etc. My own cultural and family friend circle is pretty liberal, I feel like a freak at times.

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

That's behaviour is not to be accepted and is highly inappropriate but ESPECIALLY so as it's not consentual and he's trying to coerce you into such things. It's nothing short of sexual harrassment, intimidation and trickery - he's a loser.

[Khairan]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

Salaams,

Is it normal these days for people to HAVE to get physical with their potential husband/wife before marriage? I have been getting to know someone in the past few weeks, and he keeps trying to get me to get physical with him, even though he knows my values, and how I feel about it. He says he understands, but when I told him I dont think it is right to cuddle and kiss and hold hands before marriage, he replied, "If you think you can justify it to yourself". OF COURSE I can justify it to myself, how can you justify zina to yourself? If you pray regularly, but also commit zina, dont you feel like less of a Muslim? That you are betraying Allah swt and what He decreed for us humans not to succumb to our desires? If a guy really likes a girl, and is interested in her for marriage, would he really make her feel guilty or feel asexual and prudish for not wanting to do anything before marriage? He asked me what I thought about his lips, or if I noticed them. Do guys ask these things to girls who are religious? He also told me that is very understanding of things, but these needs are important to him. What about what is important to Allah swt? It seems like most Muslims these days seem to not consider zina as a sin anymore. Am I overreacting or is this the norm these days?

A couple of things:
1. You are not overreacting.
2. Even if it *was* the "norm," that doesn't mean you have to accept what you think is wrong just to please other people.

A final point, which others have noted above and I will repeat for emphasis: there seems to me to be a fundamental lack of respect here. To me, the biggest issue is not even that the fellow wants to "get physical" with you, but rather that he is trying to convince you to do things you have already stated you're not comfortable with. Even if he doesn't share your values, he should respect that you are working hard to be a good muslim and let you have your boundaries without argument.

[gmk]

Problems usually don't get better after marriage, they get worse. If he is disregarding your feelings and pressuring you to do stuff you don't want to do NOW.... just imagine how insensitive and selfish he will be when you are married... these are the kinds of basic character traits you need to look out for when you pick a life partner, trust me. I got lucky (also I was smart about who I picked), but I can't say the same for a lot of people I know.

[Deel]

no, you aren't overreacting.

[iTz_NoT_Me_iTzZu]

Please rid yourself of this lowlife asap. There are plenty of guys out there who are more worthy of your time.