[wheelworks]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

I've gone to matrimonial dinners at the biggest masjid in the city twice, and it was pretty excruciating for my friends and I. Sure there are alot of people, but doesnt mean everyone who goes, is there for the right intentions either. Or that you will like them or they will like you. People still look at shade of skin colour, prettyness, hijab, culture, proffesion, etc. My own cultural and family friend circle is pretty liberal, I feel like a freak at times.

I'm not talking about freaks at matrimonial dinners. I'm talking about normal people who go for regular prayers. Go for a jum'a now and then and you'll start meeting good sisters. Once you form a bond then good oppertunities open up. Once you start mixing with the right crowd then you'll start meeting the right people. Etc...

[Pushpa]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

Salaams,

Is it normal these days for people to HAVE to get physical with their potential husband/wife before marriage? I have been getting to know someone in the past few weeks, and he keeps trying to get me to get physical with him, even though he knows my values, and how I feel about it. He says he understands, but when I told him I dont think it is right to cuddle and kiss and hold hands before marriage, he replied, "If you think you can justify it to yourself". OF COURSE I can justify it to myself, how can you justify zina to yourself? If you pray regularly, but also commit zina, dont you feel like less of a Muslim? That you are betraying Allah swt and what He decreed for us humans not to succumb to our desires? If a guy really likes a girl, and is interested in her for marriage, would he really make her feel guilty or feel asexual and prudish for not wanting to do anything before marriage? He asked me what I thought about his lips, or if I noticed them. Do guys ask these things to girls who are religious? He also told me that is very understanding of things, but these needs are important to him. What about what is important to Allah swt? It seems like most Muslims these days seem to not consider zina as a sin anymore. Am I overreacting or is this the norm these days?

You are perfectly right to have reacted as you have and any man who had an ounce of afffection and respect for his future wife would not pressure her into doing anything she did not want to. You should not feel like you have to do ANYTHING you do not feel comfortable or justified in doing, simply for the sake of this person and if he really cared about you it would not be a big issue for him either.

My advice to you is, get rid of him and don't look back. He is going to do nothing for your iman and self-esteem and is only going to drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself. You are better off without him as it sounds like he is only after one thing. The longer you leave it the more it will hurt. Be strong sis, and stand up for what you believe in, and in the future try not to put yourself in a compromising situation again Good luck.

PS. Plenty of people get happily married without engaging in a physical relationship beforehand - pretty much all of those who are married on this forum, in fact! (and there are quite a few). Don't give up hope.

[sally]

jeez. God help us avoid men who think they can make us compromise our values and deen.

[Bruinrab]

Originally Posted by ShahRukh

Dude....are you actually dumb enough to take anyone that decides to register on islamica just to post on here literally?

You call it dumb, I call it compassion. By the way, most trolls do single postings then sit back and watch the ensuing fun; she actually engaged in a dialogue with us...or had you not noticed that distinction yet?

The girl seems to be very emotionally charged right now, so I am taking her posts with a grain of salt, thats all.

Fair enough. But that still doesn't justify being a jerk.

p.s. I'm gonna have to warn you for the first and last time to never try bringing in my family members in online discussions.

Guess I touched a nerve there. I think it was a perfectly legitimate question. All I was suggesting was that you have the same respect for your sister in Islam as you would for your own family.

[raatkirani2005]

Originally Posted by Whatyosayin

Thanks everyone. I guess just because someone is friends with your friends (friends who are respectable), and because someones family is religious, and they are of the same culture, nationality, community circle, does not mean their son is not a sleazebag in disgiuse. Sigh. He also told me how he had a relationship with a hijabi for three years, whom he wanted to marry, and they were kissing and hugging pretty early into their relationship because he has needs. What about Allah swt's requests of us? He said she was not comfortable at first but became okay with it later. Sigh. It always starts with the prik of a needle, but the needle will just become more and more dull as you keep banging it against the wall.

This guy is wrong for you on so many levels. First of all, he's pressuring you to do haram things. Second, he's blabbing out his secrets regarding his other "relationship." Third, he was with a girl for three years, got physical with her and still didn't marry her? I smell trouble from a mile away. As far as the verbal diarrhea regarding his "needs," it is explicitly forbidden to be physical (and that includes hugging and kissing) with a guy that you are not married to. There is no way around that. Technically, even your conversations can't be private (though many people disregard that in this day and age). If he has physical needs, he should get married or fast. Not use girls and toss them away. Do not get physical with a guy that you have no commitment to. Trust me on this one--I've seen plenty of girls who do more than they should have and end up getting devastated at the end.

Listen to wheelworks. He has some good advice there. If you feel you are the conservative one in your main group of friends, start attending a masjid that seems compatible with your values and make new friends there that are at the same level as you. InshaAllah, that may open doors for you.

[annie_359]

You are not over-reacting my darling..

How/where did you initially meet him??

You should secretly record him declaring his "needs" and play the recording to his parents..

Annie

[Jamroll]

Get a paternity test!!!

[Revert]

zina is fornication.

However the guy is a dog for wanting to be like this with you.

Dump him.

[Aryan_]

It's not zina if you're married. Read between the lines.

[Rida]

Islam has a clear set rules on relations with the opposite gender before marriage.
If you are protective of your modesty and faith, you should ask yourself why you are spending alone time with this haya-less individual?

“Whenever a non mahrem man and a women are alone shaytan is not far away (or with them).”
Sahih Muslim

Wassalaam

[Revert]

Originally Posted by Aryan_

It's not zina if you're married. Read between the lines.

Huh?

Stop sniffing glue...get soem fresh air..you loon!

[HiJaBi_ShAh]

Originally Posted by sally

jeez. God help us avoid men who think they can make us compromise our values and deen.

Ameen!

WOOT to SINGLE'HOOD!

[PhDGirl]

He's trying to manipulate you. I think this is good that you have an indication of his character before marriage, so I'd encourage you to act on this knowledge. It doesn't matter if you wear hijab or not - his behavior is inappropriate.

[wheelworks]

Originally Posted by HiJaBi_ShAh

WOOT to SINGLE'HOOD!

You're only 17. Wait a few more years

[Variable]

Originally Posted by ShahRukh

Nah, I'm far too cool to be the supposed bad guy described in the post below.

P.S. I highly recommend you keep your gay posts to yourself. Thanks



Dude....are you actually dumb enough to take anyone that decides to register on islamica just to post on here literally?

The girl seems to be very emotionally charged right now, so I am taking her posts with a grain of salt, thats all.

p.s. I'm gonna have to warn you for the first and last time to never try bringing in my family members in online discussions.

I don't know what kind of image you're going for here, but all you succeed in doing is coming off as an insecure ******.


(*wan ker is a swear word?)