Divorce among American Muslims: Statistics, Challenges & Solutions

[fny21]

A fantastic article. Goes on to cite the most common reasons for divorce that these imams have seen and potential solutions.

May Allah swt preserve us all from having to go through such a painful situation, and allow us to marry spouses with whom we can bring about the best in each other, ameen

They were the ideal Muslim couples.

Sakina Khan and Ali Dawood from Detroit. Sarah Tayyib and Jamal Qandeel from San Jose. Both pairs appeared firmly committed to Islam on a personal level and through activism in their local Muslim communities. For family and friends, they were examples of what an Islamically successful marriage should look like.

"People would say 'you're our model couple'" Khan said in an interview with Sound Vision. "In the beginning, I'd say we were," she added.

"We were best friends," Qandeel recalled of his marriage with Tayyib. "There were no differences in values or raising the kids or disagreement in terms of lifestyle, careers or friends."

Today, both couples have divorced. Tayyib and Qandeel after over a decade because of her affair with another man. Khan and Dawood after more than five years together primarily because of his emotional abuse. These men and women represent a seemingly growing number of Muslims in North America choosing to end their marriages for various reasons, ranging from incompatibility to infidelity.

Read on...

[Revert]

Thats crazy. Yet i can understand why the divorce rate is higher here. Less cultural pressures and such.

Greta article farah

[JiveTurkey]

You know the absolute worst part about this topic............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......we will likely have to put up with another Kona Silat post

[sally]

Wow, it says "The reason for divorce #1: In-laws"

[ChotooMotoo]

sally said

Wow, it says "The reason for divorce #1: In-laws"

The reason for divorce #1: In-laws

"Parents and other family members do not allow the young couple to develop their relationship organically and independently of the family," explained Azam Nizamuddin, a Chicago-based attorney who specializes in family law, among other fields. Apart from general interference in the couple's life, there are a few specific problems in this regard that lead to divorce amongst Muslims. Foremost among these is conflict between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws.

In some cultures, particularly South Asian, according to Kavakci and Arroyo, a wife may be expected to live with her in-laws after marriage for economic and/or emotional reasons. This often leads to serious clashes.

"Men have to be sensitive to the fact that their mothers will not necessarily treat their wives well," Arroyo said. "And they have to be willing to stand up against it."

Kavakci was more forthcoming with his criticism. "The husbands are chicken," he said and unable to protect their own nuclear family unit for fear of their mother's displeasure. In his experience, a mother-in-law's jealousy towards the daughter-in-law's closeness to her son often causes problems in these scenarios and has led to divorce.

Arroyo explained that when a husband does not defend his wife in situations where she is abused, belittled or mistreated by his mother, that leads to distrust in the marital relationship, paving the way to more serious problems and possibly divorce.

In a setup where the wife lives with her in-laws, control of the household, privacy and cultural expectations are three of the biggest sources of tension.

"When a young man brings his wife to the household, he needs to consider: does she have her own room, her own space, can she be in a place where does not have to wear Hijab, for example, or does she always have to wear Hijab because of other people being in the house?" said Imam Magid. He added that in some cases, a wife cannot even cook her own meals "because the kitchen is the domain of the lady of the house, which is her mother-in-law".

He added that cultural rules and expectations may also negatively affect how a daughter-in-law is treated, especially if she was born and/or raised in North America and her parents-in-laws come from abroad. Some of these include entertaining guests even if they are not her or her husband's and serving her in-laws to the detriment of her marriage. "She does not feel she is given enough time to bond with her husband, she has to cater to more than one person," explained Imam Magid.

He also noted that displays of affection between the married couple may also cause tension when in-laws share a household. "Can they hold hands in front of their in-laws? Can they sit close? One of the problems is that parents feel it is disrespectful. They feel all kinds of intimacy should be restricted to their bedroom."

In cases where the wife will be living with her in-laws, the solution is to firmly establish parameters and boundaries in the relationship between the new couple and the in-laws from the start and for all parties to know and understand a wife's rights from the Islamic perspective, according to Siddiqui.

Another growing problem in relation to in-laws is increased meddling on the part of a wife's mother.

"More and more, I'm seeing mothers of the wives interfering," said Shahina Siddiqui, President of the Canadian branch of the Islamic Social Services Association. In many situations, she explained that it's a case of projection. These older women want what they didn't have for their daughters and they may cause tension between the couple to get it, she said, whether that is freedom from household chores, advanced degrees or a fancy menu at the wedding.

Itedal Shalabi, co-founder and co-director of Arab American Family Services in Burbank, Illinois has found the same in her experience as a counselor, with mothers pushing for materialistic things they did not receive as wives. "Marriage is not about a $10,000 wedding ring," she said, warning, "do you want the marriage or the materialistic things?"

[Jaysh]

Revert said

Thats crazy. Yet i can understand why the divorce rate is higher here. Less cultural pressures and such.

Well, I agree that this is part of the reason. But it's not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a bad thing and sometimes is, but it can also be a good thing, since the social taboo forces people to reconcile and make it work. But there is another issue: in the East they go more strictly by arranged marriage where they match up all the variables, whereas that is not the case for american desis, so obviously there are going to be more problems.

EDIT: Hey it's soundvision!!!

[Rain]

I still love soundvision.

Also living with in-laws is NEVER easy. All my mates who are married and living with their husbands family have the same complaints: lack of privacy, fighting over stupid things his family will have said, never being really comfortable and feeling like you're living under someone elses roof, having to put up with a 100 random relatives and their changing mood-swings, etc etc.

[shadha]

Since then I feel that it is something that happens, it's a part of life, and I don't feel it is a bad thing necessarily, or rather it does not reflect badly upon a person." Zainab Awad of Washington, DC.

...

"I don't necessarily think that's better. I think we tend to value an intact family over a healthy family. It's a matter of perspective and what we prioritize and how we define what's best for the kids."

...

"I would not raise a child with him and pass on his absurdities to another human being," she said, explaining why she chose to end her marriage of five years when she did. Basith added she did not want her daughter to be raised in a home where there was no harmony, since she and her ex-husband argued regularly.




shadha-

[Tanasi]

In the Chinese written language the symbol for harmony is one woman under a roof. The symbol for disharmony is two women under the same roof.

My ex-mother-in-law criticized me for washing the outside of a glass before washing the inside of it, for how I made sure my kids ate veggies and restricted sweets, for taking a couple of hours a week to go ride my horse out in the hills, for getting mad at my ex for blowing his paycheck partying, and on and on and on and... Seriously, I could do NOTHING right in that woman's eyes. She interfered between her son and me and tried to control how I rasied my kids. She's one of the big reasons he became the ex.

My current MIL is great. We talk, joke, share recipes, and she gives me great advice when I ask her (and only when I ask). My husband's family lives 100 miles away, too, so we are not stepping all over each other.

In my opinion, a married couple should be on their own from day one so that they can grow their relationship without interference from parents and other relatives. Establishing physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy is vital to the marriage- living with your parents can cripple that to the point that it irrevocably destroys the relationship between spouses.

And yeah, men need to grow a pair and stand up for their wives. This is the woman who will bear your children, take care of your household, and grow old with you. She deserves your protection and support- even against your own mother. And a real man will know how to do that without being disrespectful to his mother. If the man is supposed to be the leader and authority in the marriage or home, he better darned well learn what it means and how to use it properly.

[Kona_Silat]

JiveTurkey said

You know the absolute worst part about this topic............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......we will likely have to put up with another Kona Silat post

Straight out of the imangination of Kona Silat

The reason for divorce #2: Adultery and haram sex, offline and online

"If this was a one night stand, I could forgive. But she called him the love of her life," said Jamal Qandeel of San Jose, referring to how his ex-wife described the man she had had an affair with. "It really came down to wanting more out of a marriage than being with someone who is a great person but that you are not in love with. And I was perfectly happy until I found out about the affair and then my love just disappeared."

"Nothing justifies an affair," he added. "If you hate it (the marriage) just leave it. Nothing is more destructive. An affair is far more destructive than a divorce. Usually when you have one you have other so you have the double whammy."

"I look at her today, I don't see the woman I love, I see the nanny of my children," said Qandeel, referring to his ex-wife. "That woman died the day I found out about the affair. It just took me a while to come to grips," he said painfully.

"This is the ultimate betrayal," noted Siddiqui. "When you don't feel revulsion to a sin like this you tend to rationalize it away," she said. Adultery is clearly a growing problem in the Muslim community, especially given the highly sexualized environment in North America where movies, television, billboards, and the internet glorify sexual relationships outside of marriage and offer the false promise of excitement and gratification via illicit affairs. In some cases, especially where one of the spouses has always been faithful, adultery has led to mental breakdown. "Some people are so stunned they can't believe it happened to them," said Nadir.

Arroyo and Siddiqui both agreed that there are clear gender differences in how adultery affects marriages. Men tend to blame their wives, calling their character into question. Women, on the other hand, often blame themselves, wondering what they did wrong that led their husbands to commit adultery.

"It's so difficult emotionally for a guy to get over that," said Arroyo, adding that "it's much easier for a woman to forgive her husband than a man to forgive his wife."

Abugideiri said, "affairs are exit strategies. They basically happen when the marriage is not going well. One of the partners is not getting needs met and rather than confront the issue, they get their needs met somewhere else." That includes, but is not limited to, sexual needs and dissatisfaction.

Abugideiri also warned that there is no age limit to adultery. She said she had recently counseled a Muslim couple in their 60s where the husband cheated on his wife. "I believe anyone is susceptible to an affair, which is why Islam has such clear boundaries about this."

Imam Magid noted that there used to be a greater sense of fear and shame about adultery in the Muslim community. It is not the same today. However, he also emphasized that in his experience, a lack of religiosity and spiritual connection makes it more likely that a person will cheat on their spouse.

In addition, especially among Muslims who married at a younger age, "when they are in their 40s, they have a middle age crisis. Because they married young, they feel they've been with the same person too long and become bored with their relationship. So they start showing interest in someone else."

Adultery leading to divorce isn't restricted to in-person sexual and physical relationships, though. Siddiqui said that there are plenty of emotional affairs being carried out in cyberspace, what she describes as "adulterous foreplay". In these scenarios, Muslims develop intimacy with members of the opposite sex at work or online through social networking sites like Facebook (www.facebook.com). She gave the example of one couple she counseled where the husband, after coming home from work, would immediately sit in front of a computer and share how his day went with a woman he had met online, instead of doing the same with his wife. "This is something you do with your spouse," she said.

Sexual dysfunction, while long ignored in the Muslim community, is starting to be discussed more openly, according to Siddiqui, but there is still a long way to go. She said she has dealt with cases where dissatisfied spouses have come to her asking if it is Islamically acceptable to look at and fantasize about other members of the opposite sex to fulfill this need in their marriages.

this could be your wife.LOL

[Sea_of_Roses]

Divorce isnt easy on anyone, especially the children who have to live with the label of being the child of a "broken family" for the rest of their life, which of course will unfortunately haunt them as they try to find a potential spouse ESPECIALLY in desi culture

It is rough and sad because its a situation the children had no control over

[MossadConspiracy]

wow, the article mentioned alot of muslim women who cheat.. they must have been pretty trashy to begin with though

anyway, the article is very scary because i do think divorce is considered much sooner and for less valid reasons here.. i really wonder how much of this can be avoided by marrying a fob...

[Jaysh]

MossadConspiracy said

anyway, the article is very scary because i do think divorce is considered much sooner and for less valid reasons here.. i really wonder how much of this can be avoided by marrying a fob...

I can only speak on the behalf of Pakistani fobbettes, not Egyptian ones. But from all my interaction with fobbettes in the past few years, I have come to the conclusion that they are like our parents were with regard to this matter, i.e. they will do almost anything to make it work. Divorce to them is like death. Not saying that this is the right way to go...Although I support a husband or wife doing almost anything they can to preserve a marriage, I cannot accept how divorcees are looked down upon so much in Pakistan. So before the divorce is complete, I say: do all you can to preserve it, unless it is too much to bear or outside the bounds of reason. But after the divorce is complete, I say: life goes on, and let's not discriminate against divorcees.

Yes, I'm probably the only Islamican who says "I say"...go ahead and make fun of that MC, like my melodramatic "dust on feet" comment in the Jinnah thread.

Fi Aman Allah

[MossadConspiracy]

i'd say egyptian girls are probably a little bit less conservative about this than pakistanis, the article does mention that Egypt and turkey have the highest divorce rate in the muslim world (10%) but thats still mad low. Plus they only really divorce over very serious stuff, not trivial things like girls here ("the love is gone", "we've grown apart", "you have to move with me to accommodate my career or i'm leaving u", "we're 2 different ppl", "i dont like ur mom", etc)

ws

[Sea_of_Roses]

Jaysh said

I can only speak on the behalf of Pakistani fobbettes, not Egyptian ones. But from all my interaction with fobbettes in the past few years, I have come to the conclusion that they are like our parents were with regard to this matter, i.e. they will do almost anything to make it work. Divorce to them is like death. Not saying that this is the right way to go...Although I support a husband or wife doing almost anything they can to preserve a marriage,
Fi Aman Allah

Im not a fobbette, but I feel as strongly about divorce as a fob/fobbette does for my own reasons