[shadha]

Sex Roles and Household Chores
The truth about household jobs and gender
By Jonathan Small

At some point in my marriage — not exactly sure when or why, really — I became the designated spider killer. And fly swatter. And roach squasher. In fact, if any insect makes the unfortunate decision to wander into our home, it's my responsibility to promptly terminate it. My wife, Diana, will stand in the kitchen inches away from a bug and still call me from across the house to come deal with it. Is it annoying? Sometimes, yes. But, then again, she has her own set of responsibilities, like shopping for the insect repellent and flyswatter.

The Sad Truth
She also does most of the cooking, but I take out the trash. She puts the baby down to sleep, but I built the crib. She brings the plants home from the nursery, but I put them in the ground. We work full time, live in a big city, and consider ourselves progressive — yet the household chores we choose seem like something out of Father Knows Best. I talked to my friends about this and discovered that our situation, though retro, is very common: Married couples tend to define their roles along gender lines.

The Real Reason
In the beginning, when first dating, couples generally do everything together: shop, cook, clean, and walk the dog. But shortly after saying our vows — or even before that — we fall into more familiar, even stereotypical, roles. "Part of this has to do with our role models: our parents," explains Samara Fabrick, LCSW, a couples therapist in Beverly Hills. "But another part has to do with practicality. We naturally gravitate toward things we're good at." For example, my wife is a professional chef — so is it any mystery that she makes dinners most nights? I, on the other hand, am a professional geek. If a printer runs out of ink, I'm the replacer; if a TV show needs to be recorded, I'm the TiVo king.

The Game Plan
Splitting tasks along gender lines isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as one spouse doesn't resent the other for it. It's one thing for my wife to feed the cat, but if she also gives it a flea bath and cleans out the litter box while I sit on the couch zoning out with SportsCenter, I'm definitely going to hear about it for weeks. To help prevent War of the Worlds II, Fabrick has a concept she calls "sweat equity." "You don't have to do the same chores, but you should sweat equally," she says. She suggests sitting down and figuring out what your strengths are, who does what, and then divvying up the tasks fairly.

The Ground Rules
One rule is to be flexible. Sometimes you might have to step in and fold the laundry even if you suck at it (note to self). And the second rule is to be nice. If your husband is delegated to, say, clean the bathroom, then absolutely no hovering, driveling about how you'd use Scrubbing Bubbles and not Comet. (Not like I'm speaking from experience or anything.)

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Best article I read on the topic yet.


shadha-

[Budmano786]

I thought the article was okay, but the following concept is something that I liked and think is important

Originally Posted by shadha

To help prevent War of the Worlds II, Fabrick has a concept she calls "sweat equity." "You don't have to do the same chores, but you should sweat equally," she says.

[Timbit]

Okay. Yes, it makes sense to divide chores up according to where your strengths lie, but really, there's nothing inherent in women that makes them better at washing dishes or vacuuming (or even, uh, child-rearing). Those are things anybody can do.

And I'm not sure why taking out the trash or putting plants in the ground are considered manly jobs. Everybody takes out the garbage at my house and gardening is usually done by the women too. My mom's even done things like mowing the lawn and shoveling snow (my grandma's done that too). Not to mention killing insects, putting together cribs, changing lightbulbs and moving furniture.

[ChotooMotoo]

Originally Posted by Timbit

And I'm not sure why taking out the trash or putting plants in the ground are considered manly jobs.

In my house it's because we wait too long to take out the trash, so the bag is heavy. It's also smelly. As for planting, my Chemistry skillz are put to work every time I cook. Mr. ChotooMotoo's agriculture skills should be put to work more often than "Oooh, don't squish that bug! Let me look at it first" as he proceeds to identify the bug and show me it's parts before he either throws it outside or kills it.

[Spice]

Originally Posted by Timbit

Okay. Yes, it makes sense to divide chores up according to where your strengths lie, but really, there's nothing inherent in women that makes them better at washing dishes or vacuuming (or even, uh, child-rearing). Those are things anybody can do.

And I'm not sure why taking out the trash or putting plants in the ground are considered manly jobs. Everybody takes out the garbage at my house and gardening is usually done by the women too. My mom's even done things like mowing the lawn and shoveling snow (my grandma's done that too). Not to mention killing insects, putting together cribs, changing lightbulbs and moving furniture.

yeh dil ki lagi kam kiya ho gi
yeh ishq bhala kam kiya ho ga
jab raat hai aisi matwali
phir subha ka aalam kiya ho ga

[Timbit]

Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo

In my house it's because we wait too long to take out the trash, so the bag is heavy. It's also smelly. As for planting, my Chemistry skillz are put to work every time I cook. Mr. ChotooMotoo's agriculture skills should be put to work more often than "Oooh, don't squish that bug! Let me look at it first" as he proceeds to identify the bug and show me it's parts before he either throws it outside or kills it.

Your husband is a... farmer?
That's cool.

You know, I think it's just that the women in my family are super-cool. In the past week, I killed a (really, really big) bug and took out the trash multiple times. And my dad made me help him carry in some heavy groceries.

[ChotooMotoo]

Originally Posted by Timbit

Your husband is a... farmer?
That's cool.

You know, I think it's just that the women in my family are super-cool. In the past week, I killed a (really, really big) bug and took out the trash multiple times. And my dad made me help him carry in some heavy groceries.

No, he's a Plant Scientist who works with soybeans.

I've done all kinds of "manly" things growing up because I have no brothers.

[Spice]

Originally Posted by Timbit

Your husband is a... farmer?
That's cool.

You know, I think it's just that the women in my family are super-cool. In the past week, I killed a (really, really big) bug and took out the trash multiple times. And my dad made me help him carry in some heavy groceries.

aaja sanam, madhur chandni mein hum tum
milein to viraane mein bhi aa jaye gi bahar
jhoomne lage ka assman
kehta hai dil, aur machalta hai dil
more saajan le chal mujhe taaron ke paar
lagta nahin hai dil yahan


(man, shadhas going to kill me )

[Asvi]

Before marriage, i helped with shoveling the snow and raking the leaves in the fall. i always did the manly jobs. and even now..i take the garbage out..i dont understand why is it only a guy chore? if there's a lot or heavy, hubby helps out. but i dont kill bugs.. i always either made my mom, sis, bros, dad and now hubby do that for me.

edit: i also mowed the lawn like twice.

[Timbit]

Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo

No, he's a Plant Scientist who works with soybeans.

I've done all kinds of "manly" things growing up because I have no brothers.

Like a botanist? That's nice; you both are scientists.

Soybeans are great, eh?
What does he do to them? Genetically modify them?

I have brothers, haha. But we all just do whatever's delegated to us. And oftentimes, it's the same thing. Just depends on whoever's available.
Or rather, whoever my parents see first.

If I ever have kids, I'm gonna adopt this policy that whoever shows up last when I call them all gets the worst job. That way, they'll all rush to help me.

[ChotooMotoo]

I can only think a few "manly" chores that I've not done. I never mowed the lawn because of allergies. I never helped my dad with roof repairs, though I did help with other carpentry/plumbing/electrical work. I also never pushed the car. I was always the smallest, so I would steer the car while my sisters and dad would push it.

Originally Posted by Timbit

Like a botanist? That's nice; you both are scientists.

Soybeans are great, eh?
What does he do to them? Genetically modify them?

I don't really understand what he does. Biology isn't my thing. I suppose he must GM them, or he examines plant diseases or some such. I went and helped him water plants in the greenhouse once

If I ever have kids, I'm gonna adopt this policy that whoever shows up last when I call them all gets the worst job. That way, they'll all rush to help me.

You sound like my mom.
"Mom, I'm bored"
"Oh really? Hmm... look outside. You see the cherry tree there? It's ready to be picked. Why don't you go pick some cherries"

Never tell my mom you're bored. My nephew is slowly learning this.

[ShotgunMessiah]

I have never, and would never, taken part in any chores around the house at all. I didn't get married so I could do work around the house!

[Timbit]

Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo

I can only think a few "manly" chores that I've not done. I never mowed the lawn because of allergies. I never helped my dad with roof repairs, though I did help with other carpentry/plumbing/electrical work. I also never pushed the car. I was always the smallest, so I would steer the car while my sisters and dad would push it.



I don't really understand what he does. Biology isn't my thing. I suppose he must GM them, or he examines plant diseases or some such. I went and helped him water plants in the greenhouse once



You sound like my mom.
"Mom, I'm bored"
"Oh really? Hmm... look outside. You see the cherry tree there? It's ready to be picked. Why don't you go pick some cherries"

Never tell my mom you're bored. My nephew is slowly learning this.

So much for taking interest in your spouse's work.
Does he understand what you do?


Hahahhaha. That's exactly the kind of parent I'd be. I can't stand seeing unproductive kids. I'd keep them really occupied.

[Glasgow]

Originally Posted by ShotgunMessiah

I have never, and would never, taken part in any chores around the house at all. I didn't get married so I could do work around the house!

Word. Waking up in the morning is hard enough.

This should be written on wedding invitations as inspiration.

[qudsia]

i don't see how this is any different from what's been said a million times over about gendered chores.

same old, same old.