[new_muslimah]

Saya is my sister's middle name and she's out of control.

So she's 14, she is starting college early...I tried to talk her out of it, but she's 14 going on 30. Mash'Allah she is definitely the prettiest of us, she is stunning and she knows it. She keeps getting approached to model and she tells me she's going to model while she goes to school . My father and his new wife () just had twins and their hands are full. My father has always been very busy and continues to be busy, but has more people vying for his attention. My stepmother excludes my two sisters and takes constant vacations during my father's rare free time.

My sisters came to live in my house, but I'm doing a crappy job. I don't want to be a parent at 19. I am doing an intense program (insh'Allah will be over soon) at an intense school and all my free time is dedicated to their needs. I'm about to start grad school at another intense school in another intense program (University of California--San Francisco, at least I'll be back in San Francisco) and I already feel burnt out. I feel like my sister needs a parent. My aunts are all happy to have them, but they want to stay with me. My sister stays out late, my father buys her whatever she wants.

I try to instill discipline and while my other sister embraced Islam and is practicing it, Saya is so rebellious....Is it just a phase??? Nothing I do seems right for her, she tells me how much I suck constantly...I don't even know if she likes me

I haven't seen my father for like a month and his wife literally acts like my father has no other children, except when company is around. Should I just send my sister to one of my aunts?

[Jamroll]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, M.

I think it's too much pressure for you to have to take. It's a lot to take on to study full-time and look after two almost-grown girls, especially if one is being really difficult. She's obviously acting up for some reason, but it's unfair to you and your other sister that she's being like that.

I think you should try talking to her, and explaining that you want the three of you to be a family and you need to support each other, and that her being the way she is, is not being supportive. Tell her, you know that life seems hard sometimes, but it's tough for everyone, and she needs to pull her weight aswell, because you need support sometimes too.

If that doesn't work, you'll have to make a tough decision, and tell her that if she carries on you have no other choice but to let one of your aunts take her. It's not fair on you and your other sister, and who knows, maybe your middle sister will benefit from a different environment with your aunt.

All the best.

[Spice]

Time to kick butt!
You should fill a tub with hot water and dip her head into it and keep it there until she starts squealing and gasping for air and promising never to do it again.
hmm, but youre not desi are you?

Okay, I was kidding anyway (so tired of studying)

I think since shes living in your home and you're obviously trying to meet her and your other sisters needs, you have the right to set the law according to what you think is un/acceptable behaviour.
Just be honest with her, tell her you're trying your best to accommodate the both of them and its not easy with your schooling. Bring up the whole 'we're in this together, and we're going to make it' crap, since its obvious your step mother doesnt care much and your dad is too busy to care (and the lack of attention is probably the reason for her rebellious behaviour anyway)
Make a mental list of what you think is unacceptable, and along with that give her an explanation as to why you think so. Keep that list very, very short, limit it to what you think are the most important issues to address with her (or else shes going to get real bored real fast, roll her eyes and tell you about how much you suck). Negotiate and set a curfew. Take the time and take her out to a movie or something, generally if you involve the rebellious punks in stuff, they start to mellow a little (especially the attention thirsty ones ) Make a point to speak to your dad about her allowance, if she feels like she can get whatever she wants and whenever, thats going to reflect in her general behaviour.

Make it clear that if she cant settle down and abide by your rules, you're going to ship her of to the aunts (actually, you may just want to hint at that or she's going to get defensive, i think). And if it comes to that, it may just do her good.

But whatever you do, dont make her feel guilty and crappy about herself, its only going to cause a major confrontation full of "I hate yous" and "you suck!".
Also, if she's telling you that you 'suck', it most likely is just a phase, be patient

oh, and Saya is a beautiful name

EDIT: I may just be really, really wrong. I've never had to deal with a rebellious teen myself, so i have no idea.

[vegetables]

sounds like she needs some structure in her life. sending her to an aunt sounds like a good idea but of course do all the mushy stuff the doods up there ^^ said first

[new_muslimah]

Originally Posted by Spice

EDIT: I may just be really, really wrong. I've never had to deal with a rebellious teen myself, so i have no idea.

No it sounds great! I'm going to do that. I've been avoiding emotional conversations cause I've been so stressed out and overworked so I felt like I'd crack...but yea, I always tell her stuff instead of exploring her feelings etc...Insh'Allah I'm gonna do that


thanks, you're awesome

[new_muslimah]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, M.

I think it's too much pressure for you to have to take. It's a lot to take on to study full-time and look after two almost-grown girls, especially if one is being really difficult. She's obviously acting up for some reason, but it's unfair to you and your other sister that she's being like that.

I think you should try talking to her, and explaining that you want the three of you to be a family and you need to support each other, and that her being the way she is, is not being supportive. Tell her, you know that life seems hard sometimes, but it's tough for everyone, and she needs to pull her weight aswell, because you need support sometimes too.

If that doesn't work, you'll have to make a tough decision, and tell her that if she carries on you have no other choice but to let one of your aunts take her. It's not fair on you and your other sister, and who knows, maybe your middle sister will benefit from a different environment with your aunt.

All the best.

OHHH Jammy


I miss being you and plops' love child so much . He's probably out doing stuff....he always gave those sheep more attention than he gave me


But awww jazakAllah khairun, I'm going to have a grand talk and insh'Allah we can all stay together

[sally]

jinn ka saya

[Sugarberry]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, M.

I think it's too much pressure for you to have to take. It's a lot to take on to study full-time and look after two almost-grown girls, especially if one is being really difficult. She's obviously acting up for some reason, but it's unfair to you and your other sister that she's being like that.

I think you should try talking to her, and explaining that you want the three of you to be a family and you need to support each other, and that her being the way she is, is not being supportive. Tell her, you know that life seems hard sometimes, but it's tough for everyone, and she needs to pull her weight aswell, because you need support sometimes too.

If that doesn't work, you'll have to make a tough decision, and tell her that if she carries on you have no other choice but to let one of your aunts take her. It's not fair on you and your other sister, and who knows, maybe your middle sister will benefit from a different environment with your aunt.

All the best.

This is really great advice.

New Muslimah

In way your lucky that you dont have brothers ... boys....in their teenage years boys never listen to female authority.

My advice would be to make dua and ask for guidence, then have a talk with your sister and say something to effect of " look dad is being really messed up right now, but that doesent mean we should be all crazy and childish, we have to stick together because were sisters and If I feel like i doing a bad job at making sure you turn out ok, then im gonna have to send you to Aunt X".

On a side note...I would not take such bad behavior from my dad ....I would talk to my dad about how its unfair that im raising HIS childeren and that its not right that he gets married and forgets about the children he already has...and that were NOT grown up yet...so he cant just shove us off into the real world. and that his lack of involvement in our lives, his leading to really bad behavior in your sister's life...and that he needs to step up and be a parent to ALL of his kids.

( its a little harsh...maybe tone it down a bit, but yea tell your dad that your current relationship with him, is not working out for you).

and i would give a talking to the new stepmother as well.

[zakk]

Everyone gave good advice, I don't have any additions right now.

NewMuslima, I'm in Silicon Valley if you need anything, ok?

[new_muslimah]

Originally Posted by zakk

Everyone gave good advice, I don't have any additions right now.

NewMuslima, I'm in Silicon Valley if you need anything, ok?

Awww Mash'Allah you're so sweet!! I live at Pacific Heights


So we had an extremely long family conference that spanned several days...I'm so drained

But alhamdulillah. I talked with my father and his wife first and kept the younger ones out. I told him, hi, remember us? And I spoke to his wife alone as well about what we need and what will work best for all of us.

Next weekend we're going to include my sisters, but so far what us adults have come up with is to have my younger sis move back to my dad's house, go to school and I'll be close by and my father's wife will also play a role. And Saya has always wanted to go to France, so we're thinking that maybe she can study there (my mum was from there, so we still have lots of family and grandparents there).

But we have to discuss it all together and see what happens. I don't think up to now my father has processed the loss of my mother and thats another thing I talked to him about. He may start seeing a therapist...insh'Allah!!

So thats all I have for now...JazakAllah Khairun everyone

[zzze]

assalamu alaykum

i hope things go smoothly, insha Allah