[jinnzaman]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Living with your parents and your wife in one home can be really cool. You all live as one big family, there's a larger support structure, less isolation and any kids can benefit from full contact with both their parents and their grandparents.

And lots of food.

BIRYANI!

[Glasgow]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

Living with your parents and your wife in one home can be really cool. You all live as one big family, there's a larger support structure, less isolation and any kids can benefit from full contact with both their parents and their grandparents.

I'm not denying that.. all I'm saying is, in the Desi culture why is this expected of first born sons?

[Jamroll]

Originally Posted by Glasgow

I'm not denying that.. all I'm saying is, in the Desi culture why is this expected of first born sons?

To be honest, bro, I haven't found that to be a hard and fast rule. From my observations, the responsibility seems to fall on the last son left in the parental home, whether he be first, second, third, fourth or whatever.

[iTz_NoT_Me_iTzZu]

I wouldn't want to live with my inlaws. of course there are exceptions...if they were ill, having financial difficulties, or elderly... otherwise it doesn't appeal to me at all

[TdotGirl]

It's just the way the world works. Oldest are usually the most obedient..younger kids have an easier time distancing themselves from parents. But it's incredible, I was reading a book for newly weds and maulana yusuf thanvi advocated for seperate living arrangements. It was incredible...while I live really close to my in-laws and see them almost every day, I couldn't imagine living in the same house. I couldn't be comfortable, ya know.

[thejellymill]

Originally Posted by Jamroll

To be honest, bro, I haven't found that to be a hard and fast rule. From my observations, the responsibility seems to fall on the last son left in the parental home, whether he be first, second, third, fourth or whatever.

yea that's usually true in the cases ive seen. i would much rather have my mil stay with my bil, he's a huge mama's boy anyway (my husband's mostly not alhamdulillah)

[Nabisco007]

I'm coming from a large close-nit extended family.On my mom's side my grandparents lived with their younger son actually. His family became so attached to my grandparents that after they passed away they had to move into a new house to help cope(change of environment).I think today elders are seen more as a burden than a blessing which is sad. One of our family friends the mother in law was forced to live on her own in a small apartment with no company ALL by herself. She walks to get her groceries and carries whatever she can back. Another family I know well the mother in law cooks food for the entire family. She does housework for the daughter in law. And she feels bad because she isn't able to do all that work all the time.This person is in her 70s. She never complains about anything. I really just admire her sabr. And I hope and pray that when I'm old my kids wouldn't mind taking care of me.

[Spice]

Originally Posted by Nabisco007

I'm coming from a large close-nit extended family.On my mom's side my grandparents lived with their younger son actually. His family became so attached to my grandparents that after they passed away they had to move into a new house to help cope(change of environment).I think today elders are seen more as a burden than a blessing which is sad. One of our family friends the mother in law was forced to live on her own in a small apartment with no company ALL by herself. She walks to get her groceries and carries whatever she can back. Another family I know well the mother in law cooks food for the entire family. She does housework for the daughter in law. And she feels bad because she isn't able to do all that work all the time.This person is in her 70s. She never complains about anything. I really just admire her sabr. And I hope and pray that when I'm old my kids wouldn't mind taking care of me.

argh

[IbnMardhiyah]

Originally Posted by Glasgow

Desi culture is lame. It's your wife's Islamic right to have her own home - she owes your mum nothing lads. The disgust in people's eyes when you tell them this. lol. OMG!!!!

I'm the first born son out of a total of six kids and I've been relentlessly insisting for the past five years that I was not going to live in the same house as my parents and the rest of my family, because I knew whoever I married would probably want her own kitchen, she'd probably want to decorate the house her way, choose her own furniture, etc. And with my two other brothers around, you always run the risk of having an awkward situation where perchance your brother might be in a room with your wife, even if just by coincidence.

My parents of course always wanted that I should get married and live with them for a while because they wanted to see the joy and happiness of their first-born and first daughter-in-law living with them, to get to know her really better as a member of the family living under the same roof, and being right their when their firstborn' grandchild came into the world, etc etc. They always used to give me concessions such as saying we'll move into a new house with an isolated wing on the upper floor for me and my wife, or for us to get the entire finished basement w/ /separate kitchen and separate entrance, etc etc.

I always used to refuse.

Until recently.

I thought about the man who carried his mom on his back for the entire duration of the Hajj, and was subsequently told by the Prophet that all his efforts did not even equal the first scream of pain she took when giving him birth, never mind the rest of labor and delivery, weaning him, and all the other fears and concerns and troubles and pain she went through bringing him up from being a baby to the man he was on that day.

Your parents come right after your obligations to God and His Messenger. Making them happy could prove to tip the balance of your scales on Judgement Day. So leave no stone unturned in seeking their happiness, as long as it doesn't go against what God requires of you.

Especially when you know full well how much desi parents in particular, pray and worry for their kids. No other culture comes close.

Just do it. They only want you to live with them for a few years, and then you can move out. And its to your advantage as well because its more economical.

[Nabisco007]

Originally Posted by Spice

argh

My thoughts exactly...

[IbnMardhiyah]

Originally Posted by Glasgow

It's your wife's Islamic right to have her own home

Oh and Glasgow ... FYI ...

Once upon a time I used to think that the Islamic "rights" of myself or my future wife would supercede any and all other petty considerations, but I realized that kind of abrasive and egocentric approach can potentially lead to a lot of bad blood. One of our obligations in Islam is silatur-rahm - keeping up family relations and not severing them through either deliberate or inconsiderate behavior.

So keep that in mind as well.

You don't want to burn your bridges, especially the ones made of blood.

[MuslimZ]

Originally Posted by infamousbrown

Her daddy and me in the same house might give her problems with who she has to answer to.

or deciding who to ignore more...

[TdotGirl]

Ibn Mardiya I could understand what you're saying but what if she wanted to live with her parents would that be fair to you?

You can still take care ofyour parents without living in the same house. I feel strongly about this bc every common living arrangement I've seen has resulted in bad relations between the two sides. You wouldn't want your wife to get sick ofyour parents and see them as a burden.

[ChotooMotoo]

I don't have any brothers, so after my step-dad dies, my mom will probably come and stay with me, or one of my sisters. There are all kinds of ways to deal with that. You can save your money, and buy a duplex. Your parents can live in one half, you can live in the other half. If you can't afford that, you could rent an appartment for them in the same building as you. There are houses with a so called "mother in law" addition, which consists of a bedroom, small sitting room, and small kitchen for your parents. I think it's important to be flexible about things like this.

[raatkirani2005]

Originally Posted by IbnMardhiyah

Especially when you know full well how much desi parents in particular, pray and worry for their kids. No other culture comes close.

Just do it. They only want you to live with them for a few years, and then you can move out. And its to your advantage as well because its more economical.

This is where the whole problem lies. Living with the parents in the newlywed stage. That's where desis have it backwards!! For goodness sake, why must a newlywed couple live with the rest of the family, if it's not necessary?! It's awkward, to say the least: the girl and guy are barely getting to know each other, starting a physical relationship (which is definitely hard on the girl, if not both of them), the girl's probably scared and nervous starting a new life away from her family, emotions are running high, but for some reason, desis insist that all this be done in the glaring and judgemental eyes of the guy's family. How about this: the newlywed couple live on their own for a couple of years, make their way in the world, get to know each other, AND THEN, they can have the parents live with them or can go to live with the parents. By then, the couple is settled with one another, maybe there's already a baby or plans for one and the wife is established in her homemaking. Honestly, this would solve 99.9% of in-law problems.

I'll give my own example. When I was newlywed, I was taken to Pakistan immediately after the wedding (honeymoon was deferred), and within a year of returning, my MIL came to stay with us. I really resented it a lot. I hated the fact that my newlywed days were spent in my MIL's house and once she came to stay with us, we had plenty of ups and downs as we butted heads over how things were to be done in our apartment. I would take every criticism as a personal attack and she would take every action of my mine as a sign of disrespect (I once cut the okra too big and she didn't speak to me for two days--that's how bad it got). Fast forward eight years---I beg my husband to let me go to Pakistan, and I actually look forward to having my mother in law come and stay with us and we actually have a good relationship. I think it would be great for the kids and for her, and now, I'm far more confident in my homemaking and my relationship with my husband.

Most of us are in our 20's and 30s when we get married, making our parents in their 50's. They don't suddenly become old and crippled the day their son gets married. I think the best inlaws would be understanding of the situation, continue as is, keep busy for a few years, enjoy the peace and, eventually, within a few years, I'm sure the son and daughter in law will ta