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04-17-2008, 11:42 AM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by ShakirSahab
sometimes parents' only retirement plan is their kids.
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You don't have to live with your parents to be able to support them. What about your and your wife's privacy?
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04-17-2008, 11:44 AM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by Salika
She doesn't have a right to have her own home. To be more accurate, she has a right to her own living quarters that includes a bedroom, living area and kitchen. In this day and age, that seems to necessitate a house
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Exactly! 
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04-17-2008, 11:49 AM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
Glasgow, u say it in such a bitter way, no offence. your wife may not have to stay with them, and being a girl thats usually the preferred way to live since you dont want to ruin any relationships with the in-laws in any way. but sometimes, if that is the only alternative because your parents may need you to live with them for health reasons or such, than thats more thawab to you AND her. it goes with the situation, really. theres plenty ways to go around it. and really, parents dont stick around forever. take care of them while you can. 
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04-17-2008, 11:59 AM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
it's kind of really weird to me that this is coming from a desi muslim guy
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04-17-2008, 12:02 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
I hear what Glasgow is saying.
The reason I'm waiting on marriage is so that I can afford a place of my own. Even if its renting to start.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my parents to death. I however, have had 24 years to get used to them.
My future wife might not be able to handle the way things are run at our little zoo
Oh and I'll be damned if I move in with her folks. No. Nein. Nyet. Nai. Nahein. Non.
Her daddy and me in the same house might give her problems with who she has to answer to. |
04-17-2008, 12:02 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
I lived in Pakistan til I was 12, my American (white) mom lived there for 15 years. In all the cases she's seen or that I've heard of it's always the 2nd born son who is expected to care for the parents (if there are 2 or more sons). I'm not sure where this 1st son thing keeps popping up from.
Anyway, I am never going to live with my inlaws inshallah. It would drive me crazy.
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04-17-2008, 12:05 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by infamousbrown
I hear what Glasgow is saying.
The reason I'm waiting on marriage is so that I can afford a place of my own. Even if its renting to start.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my parents to death. I however, have had 24 years to get used to them.
My future wife might not be able to handle the way things are run at our little zoo
Oh and I'll be damned if I move in with her folks. No. Nein. Nyet. Nai. Nahein. Non.
Her daddy and me in the same house might give her problems with who she has to answer to. |
Who she has to "answer to" ? 
Anyway except for the last sentence I like the rest of your post. Good for you that you are waiting to afford your own place, inshallah it will be soon and Allah will bless you with a happy marriage and great wife . I wish guys would see it from that perspective more often ("hmmm...what if I was the one who had to move in with her family, how would I feel?  "). It would give them a whole new perspective on things if they stopped to REALLY contemplate.
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04-17-2008, 12:08 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by infamousbrown
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my parents to death. I however, have had 24 years to get used to them.
My future wife might not be able to handle the way things are run at our little zoo |
Exactly!
Quote:
Oh and I'll be damned if I move in with her folks. No. Nein. Nyet. Nai. Nahein. Non.
Her daddy and me in the same house might give her problems with who she has to answer to.
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What about next door? Or at least close to them? Just thinking that it would be good to have some family nearby, especially once kids are in the picture.
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But will you shall not, unless God wills, the Lord of all Being. -At-Takwir, 81: 29
Surgeon General's warning: She only looks sweet and innocent. 
To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. - unknown
'Dawah' is not arabic for 'being really annoying.' - a really wise Islamican
If you educate a boy, you educate an individual. If you educate a girl, you educate a community. - African proverb
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04-17-2008, 12:13 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by Bruinrab
Exactly!
What about next door? Or at least close to them? Just thinking that it would be good to have some family nearby, especially once kids are in the picture. |
15-20 Minutes driving is probably as far as I'd want to willingly go. |
04-17-2008, 12:15 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by thejellymill
Who she has to "answer to" ? |
I figured someone would take issue with that. The husband is the ameer of the family. Now I'm not saying he's the boss or that he's superior, but he's in charge of the family. However if a woman is still being supported by her father (ie living in his house with her husband) then some tension could develop as to who's the boss. Money will do that. |
04-17-2008, 12:17 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
this is no time or place to get into a debate about it and derail the thread.. plus I have to write a paper. therefore i am going to refrain from addressing this issue.
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04-17-2008, 12:49 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by thejellymill
this is no time or place to get into a debate about it and derail the thread.. plus I have to write a paper. therefore i am going to refrain from addressing this issue.
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Agreed, but I'm going to make my point first. 
My parents lived very closely to my grandparents because they were from the same small village, and there was a lot of intermarriage between their two families. My mother never really "left home" in the way that many desi women do - she lived with my dad, but my nana was right there, pretty much next door. My dad and nana were constantly around each other and knew each other well. However, my nana is an unbelievably awesome human being, mashallah X a billion, and despite being very protective of his daughters and granddaughters, he made it clear to my mother that if she had to defer to anyone's opinion, it should be my dad - even when it came to potentially controversial matters. There's a lovely story illustrating this.
My parents were newly married and travelling from their village to Karachi with my grandfather. My parents were sitting in the front of the car, and my grandfather was sitting in the back. From the moment they got to the outskirts of the village, my dad started saying "look, I don't care if you cover your hair, but please uncover your face, I hate the burqa, etc". My poor mom sat in the car for several hours hearing this, wanting to comply, but terrified of what my grandfather, who was listening to this raag, would say because no other woman from our village had stopped wearing the burqa yet. Finally, as they got near Karachi, she gave up and took it off. As they got out of the car, she was afraid to even look at her father, because she thought he would be angry or disappointed. Once she finally had the courage to look him in the eye, he just smiled and gave her a nod, as though to say, "it's ok, he's your husband, I'm just your father". 
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But will you shall not, unless God wills, the Lord of all Being. -At-Takwir, 81: 29
Surgeon General's warning: She only looks sweet and innocent.
To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. - unknown
'Dawah' is not arabic for 'being really annoying.' - a really wise Islamican
If you educate a boy, you educate an individual. If you educate a girl, you educate a community. - African proverb
http://therabs.blogspot.com
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04-17-2008, 12:59 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by HijabiPrincezz
Glasgow, u say it in such a bitter way, no offence. your wife may not have to stay with them, and being a girl thats usually the preferred way to live since you dont want to ruin any relationships with the in-laws in any way. but sometimes, if that is the only alternative because your parents may need you to live with them for health reasons or such, than thats more thawab to you AND her. it goes with the situation, really. theres plenty ways to go around it. and really, parents dont stick around forever. take care of them while you can. |
I completely agree with the health part.. but I raised the point from a purely cultural perspective. If everybody is in good health, then why is it expected in the desi culture for the first born to stay with his parents after marriage? It's not his wife's responsibility to look after his parents it's his. Any way, why would any guy want to live with his wife in a house full of other people...having to tip toe around to get privacy.. if they have the means to live on their own?
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04-17-2008, 01:00 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by sally
it's kind of really weird to me that this is coming from a desi muslim guy
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We're a rare breed. 
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04-17-2008, 01:13 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by Glasgow
Desi culture is lame. It's your wife's Islamic right to have her own home - she owes your mum nothing lads. The disgust in people's eyes when you tell them this. lol. OMG!!!!
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Living with your parents and your wife in one home can be really cool. You all live as one big family, there's a larger support structure, less isolation and any kids can benefit from full contact with both their parents and their grandparents.
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Start where you stand, work with whatever tools you may have at your command,
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