[sally]

Originally Posted by Spice

Stay out of it revert, as crazy as your gheera may drive you, its probably best to just stay out of it. They're her family, and she's probably learnt how to handle them.
I say that because personally I wouldnt want my spouse to get disrespectful in anyway with my parents/family regardless of what they said/did to me, and things like that tend to escalate into dirty ordeals and words are thrown around without meaning. But those words can be pretty painful for an outsider (outsider to the family) even if the person didnt mean anything by it which just leads to hostility and hard feelings in the long run.

Or maybe you could sit them down when everything settles and tell them you (the both of you) wont stand for such. The key is to not get caught in the heat of the moment and maintain respect.

Its an extremely delicate matter where parents are concerned, use your best judgment from what you know of her and her family.

I think..

i agree with the above to some degree..those are some excellent points.. but the issue is tricky nonetheless. on the one hand, people get used to being treated by their parents a certain way whether it's good or bad and unfortunately, sometimes they get used to being treated really horribly for such a prolonged period of time that they begin to see nothing wrong with that treatment..so for an onlooker who shares a special relationship with this person, it can become very hard to swallow the associated harshness

what must be understood very clearly is that the person who is wrongfully treating said person is doing so out of habit and it is very unlikely that such a habit is going to change overnight. like you didnt know that already. but perhaps you could at a later time, speak to her father and say that it bothered you that he spoke to his daughter/your wife so disrespectfully...but then again im not an expert by any means

[shadha]

Revert: like today my father in law basically flippe dout on my wife and said if she spoke out of turn he would cut her throat..how's a brother supposed to deal with that?

My father would never let me speak over him or give him lip but he would NEVER threaten to cut my throat. That is WAY overboard, WAY out of line, and I think as her husband, you should have intervened.


shadha-

[vegetables]

My sister, who lives with her in-laws, witnesses her FIL beating her MIL quite a bit... It's actually quite a shock because the father in law always seems like such a jolly and nice guy...

anyway not planning on getting married anytime soon <phew>. wouldn't know how to deal with this either.

[shadha]

vegetables: My sister, who lives with her in-laws, witnesses her FIL beating her MIL quite a bit... It's actually quite a shock because the father in law always seems like such a jolly and nice guy...

And her husband just watches as his mother gets beat?

Our father is our father, but my brothers would literally KILL our father if he hit my mother. And I do mean kill in the truest form.

And I wouldn't be content being married to a man who can stand by as his mother is beat upon. Not only would I fear for myself, but would be disgusted at him.


shadha-

[vegetables]

Originally Posted by shadha

And her husband just watches as his mother gets beat?

From what I've heard its quite normal in their household and MANY others in the desi community around here... truly disgusting

[shadha]

And you folks let your sister marry into that mess?


shadha-

[vegetables]

Originally Posted by shadha

And you folks let your sister marry into that mess?


shadha-

My mom saw right through his family when we first met... everyone knew he was a *******. My sister pretty much did everything on her own accord. which is why I didn't bother attending the wedding... and I have a restraining order against the guy yes he is that much of a douchebag

[shadha]

Ah oki. I feel calmer now, lol. It really was unnerving to think that you guys willingly and happily married your sister off into a wife-beating family. I was like totally going to cyberly kick your ass.


shadha-

[PhDGirl]

Originally Posted by vegetables

My mom saw right through his family when we first met... everyone knew he was a *******. My sister pretty much did everything on her own accord. which is why I didn't bother attending the wedding... and I have a restraining order against the guy yes he is that much of a douchebag

That's sad

I hope it's not a case of like father like son. Blech.

[Revert]

Originally Posted by shadha

Revert: like today my father in law basically flippe dout on my wife and said if she spoke out of turn he would cut her throat..how's a brother supposed to deal with that?

My father would never let me speak over him or give him lip but he would NEVER threaten to cut my throat. That is WAY overboard, WAY out of line, and I think as her husband, you should have intervened.


shadha-

The way I was feeling at that moment, me intervening would be me stomping on his head until the gurgling noises stopped.

Originally Posted by Spice

Stay out of it revert, as crazy as your gheera may drive you, its probably best to just stay out of it. They're her family, and she's probably learnt how to handle them.
I say that because personally I wouldnt want my spouse to get disrespectful in anyway with my parents/family regardless of what they said/did to me, and things like that tend to escalate into dirty ordeals and words are thrown around without meaning. But those words can be pretty painful for an outsider (outsider to the family) even if the person didnt mean anything by it which just leads to hostility and hard feelings in the long run.

Or maybe you could sit them down when everything settles and tell them you (the both of you) wont stand for such. The key is to not get caught in the heat of the moment and maintain respect.

Its an extremely delicate matter where parents are concerned, use your best judgment from what you know of her and her family.

I think

I understand your point, and agree, however I don't care how angry someone gets you should NEVER threaten your daughter with physical violence.

I am going to talk to him at some point, but when i've calmed down, at this point in time I want to beat the crud out of him every time I see him.

Originally Posted by sally

i agree with the above to some degree..those are some excellent points.. but the issue is tricky nonetheless. on the one hand, people get used to being treated by their parents a certain way whether it's good or bad and unfortunately, sometimes they get used to being treated really horribly for such a prolonged period of time that they begin to see nothing wrong with that treatment..so for an onlooker who shares a special relationship with this person, it can become very hard to swallow the associated harshness

what must be understood very clearly is that the person who is wrongfully treating said person is doing so out of habit and it is very unlikely that such a habit is going to change overnight. like you didnt know that already. but perhaps you could at a later time, speak to her father and say that it bothered you that he spoke to his daughter/your wife so disrespectfully...but then again im not an expert by any means

I understand what you mean, like i said before its not the first time its happened, however its happend so often to my wife that it explains a lot about her. I think its like an abusive relationship, it becomes the norm. However I will never accept that kind of behaviour, i don't care who they are.

I have to explain to him my problem too, I suffer from uncontrollable outbursts of rage, and at times have been known to beat people for less than what he said. I am scared that the next time it happens that i'll end up in jail, as theres only so much one person can take

ya feel me?

Originally Posted by nectar

Did you talk to your wife about this, What's her opinion? She knows best if the way her father talked to her was just the way they talk and meant nothing, or does she expect you to stand up for her, etc. Just comfort her and let her know that you are here for her no matter what.

Its happened more than once but I wouldn't call it normal, not by a long shot.

[zakk]

Dude, you need to deal with your own rage issues first. In my experience it's very frustrating to try and change behavior in older people, rage + rage is not going to equal anything good.

Unfortunately in many cases when dealing with others you must accept what you can change, and generally the only thing you can change is within yourself, whether it's how much you care or how you react. In the end, we are all responsible for our own actions, and we must ensure that no matter how reprehensible other's behavior is, we don't go down to that level and keep our own behavior, even in these interactions, Islamically correct

[Revert]

Originally Posted by zakk

Dude, you need to deal with your own rage issues first. In my experience it's very frustrating to try and change behavior in older people, rage + rage is not going to equal anything good.

Unfortunately in many cases when dealing with others you must accept what you can change, and generally the only thing you can change is within yourself, whether it's how much you care or how you react. In the end, we are all responsible for our own actions, and we must ensure that no matter how reprehensible other's behavior is, we don't go down to that level and keep our own behavior, even in these interactions, Islamically correct

I've changed a hell of a lot since i accepted Al-Islam, however there weak moments when stress/the dunya/people just form a bubble of pressure and no amount of dhikr/salaat helps.

The only thing I can do to help is get my wife the hell out of there and retreat to a safe zone where I can meditate and reflect on Allah in a stress free environment, being here is far from comfortable or stress free.

Jzaks for the great advice Zakk...in needed sopmeone whos married and a coupke of years older than me to give me sagely advice.

May Allah reward you all.

keep me in your du'a

[Glasgow]

Desi culture is lame. It's your wife's Islamic right to have her own home - she owes your mum nothing lads. The disgust in people's eyes when you tell them this. lol. OMG!!!!

[ShakirSahab]

sometimes parents' only retirement plan is their kids.

[Salika]

She doesn't have a right to have her own home. To be more accurate, she has a right to her own living quarters that includes a bedroom, living area and kitchen. In this day and age, that seems to necessitate a house but if you can find a way where she's totally comfortable and still be close to the parents, that's