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04-18-2008, 03:46 PM
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mommies are the bestest
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by zzze
I agree with Chotoo - Desis rarely know what privacy means - been there, done that.
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Yeah, that was pretty  but they respected my privacy better than my family does. My mom came to stay with me for a few days, and she came in to use the bathroom while I was in the shower! talk about violating personal space! So yeah, my MIL walking in was no big deal compared to that!
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04-18-2008, 03:48 PM
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 Hi. I'm a Basement Bahu.
I think all of what I've skimmed above (the last page or so) obviously indicates that there is no black in white in any given situation, especially one as delicate and long lasting as marriage.
A concern I had stemmed from a lot of comments girls have made about preference of living by themselves for a year or so and then moving in with the parents. I have a handful of aquaintences that have gone through experiences like that, and most come out resentful of the fact that after a couple of years of matrimonial harmony due to having their own living space - they have to give it up indefinately because they're back with a set of parents and entire khandaan. So is the extended honeymoon period beneficial in the long run if you prefer that life to the one you will eventually have to lead? The previous is in the case that there are no other options available. I don't see many girls going, "Okay, my first few years were bliss and all that bliss is going to be in reserve (as a pick me up) for when I'm living with the family and not liking it."
Privacy is going to be a concern all. the. time. Whether you live in a seperate part of the house, a room down the hall from everyone else, or even an entirely different apartment. Cultures differ. Families have different dynamics. The background, understanding, and maturity level of everyone involved comes into play. It's a good idea of figuring out what you're going into and having both directly involved parties (man and wife) understand that it's an adjustment for everyone and focusing their support for the each other as opposed to individual wants/needs. Example: My wife is dealing with an entirely different living situation, family, and lifestyle. My husband has been given the responsibility of dealing with a wife, transitioning her successfully into a new part of life, and keeping happy on all ends of the familial front.
 Kinda hurts your head all around.
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04-18-2008, 03:49 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by Jamroll
Isn't it hard on everyone? Everyone has to adjust. I don't know why the guy's parents are painted as these villain people, where the poor little bahu is going to get eaten up. There are scenarios where everyone gets along just fine. It just takes a little compromise.
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If it's hard for everyone, why do it in the first place?
I've been trying to figure out for a while now why exactly parents would want to live with their newly married son, even if it was just for a few years.
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04-18-2008, 03:51 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
I always thought it was the youngest son that stayed with his parents?
Anyway, sometimes it's not physically possible to live with the in-laws. I mean space is a big factor here.
But I'd just like to say that I highly doubt anyone who has lived as just a couple ie. no in-laws for two years is ever going to be okay with eventually living with them. Seriously, after all that 'independence'?
Also, though I'm not married, I am an in--law. Do you know how hard it is for us guys to adjust to a new member of the family? Everything changes. You have to be careful about what you say/do lest you become the 'evil in-laws' that people feel the need to talk about all the time to validate their marriage. I remember when my brother first got married, it felt like we were in prison. We weren't allowed on the floor on which their room was after like 7pm and we had to tiptoe around and be in bed by some stupid hour. I was so glad when they moved out because if I wasn't 15, I would've moved out myself.
Alhamdulillah for a wise mother who doesn't want to live with any of her sons and daughter-in-laws. 
Edit: Seriously yeah. Almost all doors have a lock. Use them. If they don't, get one!
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04-18-2008, 03:51 PM
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Budding bedouin.
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
assalamu alaykum)
chotoo : ahaha. Let's just say after the first few days (and a few incidents) I told the mr. that *I* would no longer be worrying about who saw what and it was now HIS worry. After that a hunt ensued for the bedroom key and justice prevailed.
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04-18-2008, 03:54 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sumiyia
awwwwwwwwwwwwkwardddd... SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME...  |
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo
Yeah, that was pretty but they respected my privacy better than my family does. My mom came to stay with me for a few days, and she came in to use the bathroom while I was in the shower! talk about violating personal space! So yeah, my MIL walking in was no big deal compared to that! |
um, you guys haven't heard of door locks...?  |
04-18-2008, 03:56 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
asslamau alaykum
not all doors have locks on them?!
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"Until you annihilate your selfish lower self of desires and lusts through strict and sincere mujahada [self disciplinary exercises], your heart will never become illuminated with the light of knowledge." - Imam Abu Hamid Al-Ghazli, Dear Beloved Son.
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04-18-2008, 03:56 PM
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mommies are the bestest
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by sally
um, you guys haven't heard of door locks...? |
My appartment didn't have door locks. Growing up, we were really punished if we locked the door, and our parents wanted to enter the room, so even if I could have locked the door, I probably wouldn't have. In the case of my husbands home, you only lock the bathroom door in their house.
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04-18-2008, 03:57 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
They do in my house. Alhamdulillah!
But they're not expesive either. 
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"Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith." [2:286]
Ameen.
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04-18-2008, 03:57 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by zzze
asslamau alaykum
not all doors have locks on them?!
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it's kind of a foriegn concept to me that every single bathroom and bedroom in a house would be lock-less...whether it's in the US or back home... |
04-18-2008, 04:00 PM
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mommies are the bestest
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by sally
it's kind of a foriegn concept to me that every single bathroom and bedroom in a house would be lock-less...whether it's in the US or back home...
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Well, you're supposed to KNOCK before you enter a room with a closed door (or even open one really)!
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04-18-2008, 04:00 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo
I'm begining to wonder the same thing about you. Your assertion that it's common... I was asking how common is it among the wider Canadian Muslim population as a whole, not just those who live in town-homes, or newer detached houses. I was asking how common is it for the WHOLE population to practice it. If you don't know, just say so. The question for the wider population is important, because I'm sure that desi families who have MIL apartments aren't the only ones who want their kids to live with them. How does the rest of the population cope with it?
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a) I don't have the answer to your question since the scientific polling division of my brokerage isn't operational yet. No sarcasm intended.
b) I was, as previously mentioned, restricting my comments for desi culture. I acknowledged that other cultures are different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laimuun
I love how all the single guys completely dismiss the opinions that MARRIED women have experienced living with in laws and the problems associated with it - namely, privacy.  |
Living in a basement apartment is very private, I assure you.
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04-18-2008, 04:01 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by ChotooMotoo
Well, you're supposed to KNOCK before you enter a room with a closed door (or even open one really)!
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well, regardless of that, you should take proper precautions..especially if you're doing something like using the bathroom or changing your clothes..
this is kind of mind boggling to me.
how hard is it to install a doorknob with a lock anyway. |
04-18-2008, 04:02 PM
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
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Originally Posted by IbnMardhiyah
Living in a basement apartment is very private, I assure you.
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Agreed. Though just how understanding the family is of not coming up and down is a gamble. Especially if it's a segment of the house that was regularly in use.
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Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested with affliction? Lo! We tested those who were before you. Thus Allah knoweth those who are sincere, and knoweth those who are pretenders. (Al Ankabut 29:2-3)
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04-18-2008, 04:02 PM
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mommies are the bestest
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Re: First born son expected to stay at parents house after marriage.
Okay, well I hope we understand eachother now. I understood what you were writing, and hopefully now you understand what I was asking.
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Originally Posted by IbnMardhiyah
Living in a basement apartment is very private, I assure you.
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Or at least it will be fore a little while.... then all those barriers come tumbling down and you better lock your door at night!
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