muslimmatters.org » Sex & the Ummah: Innocence Lost
Walk into the toy store, and you’ll find “baby” dolls dressed in clothing reminiscent of prostitutes’ outfits. Walk into the clothing store, and prepubescent girls are already being introduced to tank tops, mini skirts, and items of clothing that were once reserved for mature women.
But hey, this is nothing new. It’s been around for a while… and I think that many of us - including myself! - have become somewhat desensitized to this. There are times that we’ll remember how bad it is, but what usually happens is that we cluck over it for a bit and then get distracted by the many other problems we’re facing.
Now, however, I’d like to take the time to address this issue from a couple different angles - both a psychosocial and religious point of view.
In Wendy Shalit’s book “Girls Gone Mild,” she discusses the culture of hypersexualization: how it’s being promoted, through both media and consumerism, how it’s permeated society, and how it has so dangerously affected our lives and mentalities.
This article (hat-tip to Nasim Choudhury) makes similar points - the psychosocial ramifications of hypersexualized culture are already evident and recognized even by non-Muslims.
Awareness of sexuality is occurring at a much earlier age today, and almost always with a confused or warped understanding of it. Girls and boys are both growing up insensitively exposed to sights and concepts about the human body that were once discovered at a much slower rate that accommodated their level of mental and emotional maturity.
It doesn’t exist only amongst non-Muslims. Even Muslims are infected with the disease of hypersexualization, and its effects are far-reaching. Girls who wear
hijaab still obsess over their weight and their image and try to look older than they are… without the maturity or understanding of what ‘older’ really means.
In addition to general psychological and social effects of hypersexualization, as Muslims there is another dimension that makes the issue even more important for us to be aware of.
The concept of
hayaa’ - of modesty and shyness - is one that we Muslims should all be aware of, and prize highly, and do our best to cultivate within ourselves. There are many different kinds of
hayaa’, but in this context we’ll deal specifically with modesty relating to our bodies.
In Islam, we have something which we call the
‘awra: the part of our bodies that we try to keep covered as much as possible. In general, although of course it differs with women in respect to the
hijaab and so on, the
‘awra can be described as what is between the navel and the knees.
Sheikh Hisham al-Awadhi mentions in his series about Children Around the Messenger that sex education and awareness is supposed to begin at an early age for Muslim children - starting with the understanding that there are certain times and places that they cannot enter without permission. Hopefully this is something that Muslim parents are implementing with their children… but then there’s another kind of sex education that must be addressed. That is, teaching our children how to have respect and modesty regarding their own body, and others.’
It’s not enough to just give kids “the birds and the bees” talk and to make girls start wearing
hijaab - indeed, I find that there are far too many girls out there who wear
hijaab without even fully understanding the many wisdoms behind it, including that of respect, modesty, and self-esteem. Rather, we have to cultivate within them an understanding that whatever they see outside, whatever they hear from others about their bodies and self-image, there is something far more important to keep in mind: to have
taqwa not just in matters of “dos” and “don’ts” but also about our attitude towards our bodies.
Respect your body and have self-confidence. Know that first of all, we don’t cover our bodies because we’re ashamed of it - rather, we’re proud of it and respect it. Allah created us in the best of ways, with body parts that both look good (well… mostly!) and perform neccessary functions. However, just ‘cuz we look good doesn’t mean that we should be showing it off to the whole world! (BTW, this goes for men also - please, no Speedos! Those
don’t even look good.)
I think it’s of especial importance to get this message across to young girls:
hijaabi or not, most girls have issues with their self-esteem and self-image, especially in this society where so much emphasis is placed on making oneself physically attractive. In addition to making them realize that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, we can’t forget that it’s human nature to want to be beautiful - in the same series, Hesham al-Awadhi reminds parents to make their daughters feel good by complimenting her on her beauty inside the house. Notice when she’s wearing a new outfit, tell her how the colour looks great with her eyes, how lovely she is, etc. In this way, by knowing that others - who are
allowed to see her beauty(i.e. her
mahaarim) - think she’s beautiful, there’ll be less of a need for her to desire others’ approval of her attractiveness.
Respect others’ bodies. Whether it’s a kaafir or a Muslim, a man or a woman, covered or naked… have respect and shyness for their bodies. Don’t look at what’s not permissable to look at; don’t behave in a manner that’s contrary to the entire concept of
hayaa’. Lower your gaze and have good manners. Far too often have I seen
hijaabi girls giggling over a model, actor, or even a brother at a community function; similarly, stories about men ogling hijaabis or drooling over non-Muslim women disgust me because that’s NOT how a Muslim is supposed to act at any time, towards anyone.
Just as girls need a bit of help with the first point, I think parents need to spend more time teaching boys about the second. Part of
Islamica Community - Home is to have respect for women and treat them decently no matter how they’re dressed - to truly lower the gaze and behave as the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) did towards women. It needs to start when they’re young, and reinforced as preteens and young teens, so that it will stick with them as adult men who have to deal with women in many different kinds of situations. An example of this are my brothers - although they’re only 12 and 13, they feel shy whenever they pass by a woman (or a picture of a woman) who is indecently dressed. They’ll make a point of averting their gaze, but still treat whoever it is with respect by speaking politely. Sadly, there aren’t many kids like that these days - may Allah them and keep them strong upon Islam, ameen!
Another problem that I know many parents struggle with is trying to teach their kids that the pictures of half-naked men and women on advertisements, billboards, TV, etc. are
not acceptable Islamically. I believe that this issue is related to the point above: having respect for other people’s bodies. A somewhat uncomfortable question that younger kids might bring up (usually at most inopportune moments!) is something along the lines of, “Mama, why is that lady not wearing any clothes?” or “Baba, why is that man in his underwear?”
This is when, instead of cringing or hissing at them to be quiet or ignoring them, you explain to them about how there are many people who don’t protect their bodies the way we do. Insha’Allah, if you handle it the right way – open, matter-of-factly, but pressing the concept of
hayaa’ – your children will grow up knowing that while the human body isn’t something to be ashamed of, it IS something to be cared for, protected, and respected.
Innocence is an endangered species. Instead of ignoring the repercussions of the situation, complaining about it, and not doing anything about it, we have to be proactive in dealing with it. Recognize how it affects our children, and take the necessary measures to address it in an Islamic and psychologically healthy manner.
May Allah protect us all from the
fitnah,
fasaad, and
faahishah that is all around us, ameen!
Sex & the Ummah: Innocence Lost
No thank you, i'm too young to get married.
