[shadha]

AsSalamu' Alaykum,

Although this thread is mainly directed towards the sisters, it'd be interesting to see the opinions the brothers hold as well.

-Will daycare be an option? If not, what will your alternative be?
-What type of schooling will your child have?
-Which sisters plan on juggling a career/furthering their education and motherhood, and how?

I thought I had a plan. Thought. Thought as in, my plan is now crashing and burning before my eyes and it sucks. Alot. To my dismay, it will be yet another year before I go back to school, and when I eventually do [if I even manage to go back in a year], I can only be part-time. So, yay to 6? years ahead of me for a 4-year degree. Since I don't want children after 25...I have a child [not literally], now what? Give up work or my education? Can't possibly do all three. So I finally finish my education, but now I have babies, what now? I refuse to send my children to daycare...so what do I do with them while I work? Then what happens if I live in a area where there aren't any Islamic Schools? I refuse to put them in a public school, so now what? Home-school them and let my degree sit there collecting dust?

See? Crash & burn.

So yeah, I'm interested to know how everyone else plans on handling this.


shadha-

[TariqBinSleepin]

Masha'Allah thats a good/bold decision to not send um to public school, rather put them in an Islamic School. I would send my kid to day care until about the age of 4-5 and then kindergarten they can start in an Islamic school. While that small period, if my wife wants to finish her degree she can. another option is to get your degree online, you can be home, look after the child and work on the computer on your classes + Islamics all day LOL (that might not be a good thing, depends on how you look at it really).

[IbnMardhiyah]

Lower your expectations and consider the possibilities instead.

Otherwise there'll be a lot of flaming wrecks scattered all over.

[MoonStar]

a few of my married friends had kids while in college full time, their mothers watched their kids while they were in class.

I would not want to put my kids in daycare, I wouldn't trust the caretakers nor the other little kids there. I plan on staying home when my kids are young. Unless I was a single mother or my husband was unemployed/disabled, I see no reason why I would need to work.

Alternative to daycare would be my mother. If that's not an option then hopefully my siblings would be married with kids by then and they could watch them. If no one lives close by and we can't move, then maybe a trusted friend but I wouldn't want to do that either.

Schooling- I'm not sure, it depends what schools are like in the area. I think public schools are fine but I doubt I'll be so lucky to have kids as angelic and studious as I was, so I don't know if I'd want them exposed to an environment where they may imitate unislamic behaviors. Depends on what my kid is like too.

If there was an Islamic school that had the facilities and level of education as good as public schools, then I'd send them there. It also depends on what the other kids are like there, it might be just as bad as a public school.

I went to a small, strict Catholic school for elementary, ideally I'd want my kids to go to a similar private school if it was a better environment. (not necessarily Catholic, but private or Islamic). But those are expensive.

I really would not want to homeschool, it sounds boring for both the kids and me. I would hate to teach all those subjects, and I don't think they get the interaction/materials/learning from others than they would in regular schools.

If I was in your place (wanted both kids and to continue school), I'd try to live near my mother so she could watch them while I'm in class, and I would go full time if possible. Or you could do online distance learning until the kids are in school and get the liberal arts/required core classes out of the way. Some colleges also offer classes on Saturdays so your husband could watch the kids while you're in class. Or you can take evening classes so your husband will be at home with the kids. When they're in school you could take the more interesting courses for your major in an actual college. By the time you finish the degree the kids should be in regular school so then you can work.

[Deel]

hmm, i don't have a plan worked out or anything [yet].
what i have decided for sure is i also don't want my kids going to public school
in fact, i don't want to raise my children in the U.S. at all.
we are sooooo moving away

most likely depending on our financial situation and living conditions,
i'm probably going to keep working and going to school after i am married and wait a while to have kids.
that way when we do have children, i wouldn't mind quitting my job, because inshaAllah the hubby will be able to take care of us financial-wise () and i'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with me staying home!

dunno about putting the children in daycare; i most definately want to be there as they grow. the alternative: i don't see much wrong in being a housewife. if i want to work and go to school, i'll finish all that before i have kids.
nope, definately don't plan on juggling a career and/or furthering my education and motherhood at the same time.

[Bruinrab]

I would love to stay home with my kids until they start school full time, but I've pretty much accepted that it won't happen.

I've been in school for so long, I wouldn't want to "waste" my training. In a global sense, I'm far more useful working than sitting at home, even if it is to raise children. Also, the nature of my chosen career is that anyone who takes an extended leave ends up falling behind, both knowledge-wise and in terms of career development. Finally, unless I'm married to a millionaire or somehow become "independently wealthy" in the next couple of years, my educational debt is going to make it very hard to support a family on one income. Take all three factors together, and it's going to make it next to impossible to stop working for several years to stay at home with kids.

Ideally, I would have my parents nearby so that they could help look after my kids. Hi mom. That's unlikely though. I could end up anywhere in the country for my training, and they're pretty settled where they are. My mom might be willing to help for a few months, but that's temporary. I hope to eventually move near them, but eventually is at least seven years away. Perhaps if the MIL is ok, they could split the time? A second option is to have my husband working from home, but that's entirely dependent on his career situation. Finally, if I had to, I'd resort to hiring a nanny, I have a few options available to me other than complete strangers picked through an agency, so it wouldn't be a total disaster.

That still doesn't answer when I might start a family. Residency is physically very demanding, not to mention emotionally taxing and time-consuming. You're lucky if your program gives you a month off for maternity leave. If I wait until I'm done with residency, I'll be 35-37. Ideally, I'd love to have two kids. It's going to be tough to do that before age 40 (assuming that there's no fertility problems by that time, insha'Allah).

None of this solves the critical problem in this situation. How do I find a man willing to put up not only with me but also all this crap?

My head will implode if I think about this too much.

[displaced]

Originally Posted by shadha

AsSalamu' Alaykum,

Although this thread is mainly directed towards the sisters, it'd be interesting to see the opinions the brothers hold as well.

-Will daycare be an option? If not, what will your alternative be?
-What type of schooling will your child have?
-Which sisters plan on juggling a career/furthering their education and motherhood, and how?

I thought I had a plan. Thought. Thought as in, my plan is now crashing and burning before my eyes and it sucks. Alot. To my dismay, it will be yet another year before I go back to school, and when I eventually do [if I even manage to go back in a year], I can only be part-time. So, yay to 6? years ahead of me for a 4-year degree. Since I don't want children after 25...I have a child [not literally], now what? Give up work or my education? Can't possibly do all three. So I finally finish my education, but now I have babies, what now? I refuse to send my children to daycare...so what do I do with them while I work? Then what happens if I live in a area where there aren't any Islamic Schools? I refuse to put them in a public school, so now what? Home-school them and let my degree sit there collecting dust?

See? Crash & burn.

So yeah, I'm interested to know how everyone else plans on handling this.


shadha-

I'll graduate and get married when I'm 26. since I actually want to live my life, I don't see myself having a baby before 30.

daycare isn't an option. I'd leave them with a baby sitter or family member for 1 day/week so I can work part time (the beauty of being a dentist married to a dentist) just to keep up my hand skills. and then when they're of school age, I'll be back at work.

there are some good public schools out there and nothing terribly wrong will happen if they're in it until 5th grade, after which I'd prefer private schools. but at any point in time after we have kids, we'd be moving to egypt so it doesn't really matter one way or another.

the idea of homeschooling is very nice and sweet and all that but when you've spent 8 years in school, studied your ass off, given up your life for 4 years, and accrued a ridiculous amount of debt, giving up a career is out of the question. I've worked too hard. most women in the medical field would probably agree.

[sally]

It would be nice to have 2-3 kids before the age of 28. But I'm going to be 21 this upcoming summer and I'm not even married, so we'll see.

I would like to work 2-3 hours in the morning but only after the first 6 months of having a baby. The setting that I have chosen to work in has a 99% chance of having an in-house daycare that does not permit longer than a 2-3 hour stay anyway

For elementary school, I like the idea of having my kids take math, science and writing classes at one of those really expensive learning centers they have in most big cities in the US with really highly skilled teachers, one on one/really tiny group learning three days out of the week, do history/social studies and islamic studies/history reading with me at home and then pursue a wide variety of other interests such as martial arts, sports, cooking/sewing/baking, whatever it is they'd like. also they could memorize Qura'an because their schedule would permit them to devote enough time to it. the same amount of work covered in 8 hrs in public school can be done in 3-4 hours at home or in a smaller setting because there are less distractions for the teachers and students, etc.

a lot of homeschool organizations exist in most US cities. they make it a point to conduct regular field trips, debate competetions, the works etc

i'd want to continue working some hours a week during this time also

in the end, whatever happens, happens..iA for the best.

[Timbit]

I dunno. I think about it sometimes, but I'm not worrying. Nothing ever works out as you plan; you just gotta deal with stuff as it happens.

I'm gonna finish my education first, or at least get the BA done, before I think about marriage. Maybe try to go into a career where I have some flexibility with hours.

Then when that (marriage) happens, it happens. Ideally, I wouldn't want kids right away and I'm not opposed to the idea of having them in my 30s. I'd prefer that actually 'cause I'd rather get myself on track first. I'm not too keen on the idea of having to be so responsible at a young age.

My mom wouldn't take care of my kids. For a day or half a day, sure, but not all the time, heh. She's raised five of us already, and that wouldn't be fair to her in her old age. If I have to send them to a daycare, so be it. And public schools aren't all that bad either. Depends on the kid, really. I'd never homeschool them though. Obviously if you wanna homeschool your kids and be there all the time, then you can't have a career too. I wanna work, I think, so homeschooling is not an option. Depends on the hypothetical husband and his family too and where we live and all that.

So yeah, I dunno... we'll see. Lots of women juggle careers and motherhood though, and it is possible. You have to let go of some of the expectations though... like wanting everything to happen in the order you've planned and wanting to be either the best mother or the best career woman. Why can't you be a little bith of both? And why sacrifice your own career to raise perfect overachieving kids?

[iTz_NoT_Me_iTzZu]

donno, depends on who I marry, where I live, how old I am, if I've finished uni etc etc. I wouldn't send my kiddies to daycare though I can tell you that much and I'd prefer to send them to an islamic school

[Ilikemyscarf]

I've tried to teach kids before. It's not an easy job and requires tremendous patience. Anyway, I got pretty frustrated and gave up. At the same time, I think it would be different with MY kids. I'd probably know their weaknesses and strengths better since i'm their mother. Regardless, I wouldn't want my kids in a public or an Islamic school (because they are just as bad). However, I think there is a down side to homeschooling. I think it kind of distances the child from reality, and when they get out of school and enter the so called real world, they'd be in for a big shock. Right? Homeschooling has its benefits but so do public and Islamic schools.

As for my plans, I'm uncertain about the specifics. I'm probably not going to have any kids before I get my undergraduate degree, I don't think I'm gonna get hitched anytime soon. But after I graduate and get married inshAllah, we'll see how things go from there.

[zakk]

Sometimes if you have fertility issues, it can still be easier to conceive in your 20s and it can be very very difficult as you get older. So if you're really committed to having kids but do want to put it off, you might want to do some checks into your general reproductive health.

[Laimuun]

I've been thinking a lot about how to handle having a kid and finishing my education.. it's beginning to drive me a bit crazy. My husband and I are moving back to my hometown so that I can finish school (up here, it will take me another 2 1/2 years.. back at home, at most it'll be a year and 1/2). I'm due in the summer, so the first semester (this spring '08) shouldn't be a problem, inshAllah, but I'm worried about the two semesters after that. I've been out of school so long, that I just want to finish as quickly as possible. I'm scared that if I don't finish school now, I might never actually finish, especially because in my program, the last two semesters have to be completed consecutively.

daycare is NOT an option for me.. I've worked in daycares before and refuse to put my child in one. what I would really like is for my mother to be able to watch the baby, but she works during the day, so I really don't know what to do. I don't want a stranger to 'raise' my child, so an unknown babysitter/nanny isn't an option either. I'd like a family member or at least a friend to take care of the baby while I finish up school, so we're still looking into our options.

now, as far as the child's schooling.. my husband and I both agree that if we're economically stable enough that I don't have to work, we're going to homeschool our children (at least for elementary and maybe middle school). since I'm an elementary education major, I'll be 'working' in my field anyway. like sally said, what is taught in public school in 8 hours can be completed at home in about 4 hours, plus you get to teach whatever extra material you feel is needed. and of course, they would be put in whatever extracurricular clubs they had interest in. I would take them on field trips, etc.

if for whatever reason, I couldn't homeschool, we'd probably put them in an Islamic school, assuming there was a good one in the area we live.

[zakk]

Laimuun... is there something you'd like to share with the class?

congrats