[Pushpa]

Wasn't sure whether to post this thread here or in Love & Relationships...

Anyhow -

What if you and your spouse had different ideas about your career paths that weren't compatible? How would you resolve it? Would one of your careers take 2nd place? Whose? Would you both compromise? How?

This is assuming you talked about this before marriage and thought everything would work out, but after marriage realised that practicalities meant your rosy ideas before marriage weren't possible?

[shadha]

Pushpa: What if you and your spouse had different ideas about your career paths that weren't compatible? How would you resolve it? Would one of your careers take 2nd place? Whose? Would you both compromise? How?

Seeing that he is commanded by Allah, swt, to shoulder the responsibility of being the maintainer, I would willingly but sadly put my career 2nd to his if a compromise is not able to be met. It would be difficult to swallow sure but priorities have to be kept straight and consistent.

Now that is not to say that it would deter me from pursuing a successful career, I would just have to find a compromise for myself that would benefit our marriage and also benefit me as an individual.


shadha-

[riad19]

Originally Posted by shadha

Pushpa: What if you and your spouse had different ideas about your career paths that weren't compatible? How would you resolve it? Would one of your careers take 2nd place? Whose? Would you both compromise? How?

Seeing that he is commanded by Allah, swt, to shoulder the responsibility of being the maintainer, I would willingly but sadly put my career 2nd to his if a compromise is not able to be met. It would be difficult to swallow sure but priorities have to be kept straight and consistent.

Now that is not to say that it would deter me from pursuing a successful career, I would just have to find a compromise for myself that would benefit our marriage and also benefit me as in individual.


shadha-

[gmk]

Man, that's tough. In your position, I would try to see what's best for the family in the long run. Who makes more money (or has the potential to make more)? That's important. In my situation, my husband can only work in one particular city, where my type of job can be found pretty much anywhere. When he found a job in that city, we moved even though I currently had a good job and didn't have a job in the new city. That's what made sense for us, because even if I wasn't able to find a job at first (Alhamdulillah, I found one), I still had the potential to find one eventually, but if we'd stayed in the original city he would NEVER have been able to find one for sure. So look at the long term consequences of going one way or the other and see what's best for you as a family. IMO.

[Purple_alien]

I don't know. I worked hard in school to get my degree. I would hate to waste it. Of course, the beauty of a journalism degree is that you can freelance, and travel with it. But, if his job was something crappy, I can't give my career up. I guess it all depends on him.

[Pushpa]

So, sacrifice your personal satisfaction for the long-term benefit of the family?

Don't you run the risk of ending up resenting the other person if that was the case?

[Budmano786]

ideally it should be discussed before marriage since it is a pretty big issue

[Timbit]

I'd be willing to compromise a little, but I'd want him to compromise a little too if possible.
The person whose career would take second place would be the one who's making less money, I guess.

[shadha]

Resent? Well, I believe that if it is benefiting the family, then I have nothing to be resentful about. I can't demand that my husband fulfills his religious obligations and then turn around and tell him that his career isn't as important as mine or that he's not pulling in as much as me so my career needs to comes first. That's a blow to his manhood. I know I am cut-throat and all but there are some things even I wouldn't dare say.


shadha-

[Timbit]

If we had kids, I think I'd wanna stay home anyway, so then my career would take second place, at least while they were young. But if it's just me and him, then I dunno about that.

If we have to move for his job, okay, fine. I'll find a new job in the new city or try, at least.
But I'd expect him to compromise for the sake of my career too, if need be.

Anyway... Pushpa, most of us aren't even married so we do still have these rosy ideas you're talking about. We're not the best people to ask.

Obviously for the sake of your marriage, you have to talk to your husband before it really dose become something you resent him about.

[MoonStar]

It's hard to say until you're in that situation, but it would depend on a bunch of things. In my case unless I live in some hick town, I should be able to find a library/museum job that I'll hopefully like.

If there were no good ones in my field and his job was really good/he loved it/such jobs were hard to get, I'd look at what the benefits of staying in that place were (his job, nice community, Whole Foods and H&M nearby, etc) and if the positives outweigh the negatives it might be better to look on the bright side. I'd probably get a job in some other hopefully related field but would somehow manage to keep up to date on my field, at the very least by attending seminars/conventions/reading literature on the field. And I could pursue other interests that I had on the backburner.

If he could easily get a job elsewhere and I really wanted to work in my field, I'd ask that we move. Again you'd have to weigh the ups/downs of that but I don't think his interests should take priority just because he's a guy, especially if he knew what my plans were before he married me and if I've invested years in post-grad work. He might think my profession is weird or boring or whatever and that's fine, but he should care about what I want in life too and what would make me happy, if he only cared about himself he'd be a selfish jerk and that would be bad.

so yeah it depends.

[IbnMardhiyah]

Talk about it before you marry, and continue talking and working together on it afterwards as well.

[PhDGirl]

Originally Posted by Pushpa

Wasn't sure whether to post this thread here or in Love & Relationships...

Anyhow -

What if you and your spouse had different ideas about your career paths that weren't compatible? How would you resolve it? Would one of your careers take 2nd place? Whose? Would you both compromise? How?

This is assuming you talked about this before marriage and thought everything would work out, but after marriage realised that practicalities meant your rosy ideas before marriage weren't possible?

I feel for you because this is tough and even when you discuss things with the best of intentions before marriage, things are different in reality. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really figure out what the options are for each of you. I know for myself, it is important that I am fulfilled professionally, but that might not be important to others. If it's important to both of you, then you'll both be happier if you find something that works for both of your careers. It's just that it might not be what you intended originally. Best of luck

[Ilikemyscarf]

I'm not going to school for nothing.

[rxrlm]

I think its very important to discuss this and resolve this before marriage. It would depend on our financial status at that point and our family (kids and whatnot). I am willing to take time off my career for kids or just work a couple days a week. Ideally, the husband AND wife both should be willing to compromise.