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Old 10-02-2007, 11:41 AM
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Default Re: The very rough guide: the rudest travel book ever written

Australia

This is the largest island in the world. It is as large as Europe (which is not an island, but a continent). But how different is Australia from Europe! Instead of containing, as Europe does, a number of grand kingdoms, it has not one single king. Instead of being dilled with people, the greater part of Australia is a desert, or a forest, where a few half-naked savages are wandering.

Australia is not so fine a land as Europe, because it has not so many fine rivers; and it is fine rivers that make a fine land. Most of the rivers in Australia do not deserve the name of rivers; they are more like a number of watering holes, and are often dried up in the summer, but there is one very fine, broad, long, deep river, called the Murray. It flows for twelve hundred miles. Were there several such rivers as the Murray, then Australia would be a fine land indeed.

The women are the most ill-treated creatures in the world. The men beat them on their heads whenever they please, and cover them with bruises.

The miserable "gins" (for that is the name for a wife or woman) are not beaten only; they are half starved; for their husbands will give them no food, and they – poor things – cannot fish, or hunt, or shoot; they have nothing but the roots they dig up, and the grubs, and lizards, and snakes they find on the ground.

I have already told you that the natives have no God; yet they have a devil, whom they call Yakoo, or debbil-debbil. Of him they are always afraid, for they fancy he goes about devouring children.

These savages show themselves to be children of debbil-debbil by their actions. They kill many of their babes, that they may not have the trouble of nursing them. Old people also they kill, and laugh at the idea of making them "tumble down". One of the most horrible things they do is making the skulls of their friends into drinking-cups, and they think that, by doing so, they show their affection!! They allow the nearest relation to have the skull of the dead person. They will even eat a little piece of the dead body, just as a mark of love. But, generally speaking, it is only their enemies they eat, and they do eat them whenever they can kill them.

Egypt

The Pyramids are great piles of stones. There is one much larger than the rest. It is possible to climb to the top, for the stones of the sides are uneven, like steps; yet the steps are so high that Englishmen find it very hard to clamber up such stairs; but some Egyptians can jump from stone to stone like goats, and they help travellers to get up and to get down.

But do you not inquire what is the use of these Pyramids? For a long while people were perplexed about it. At length an opening was found in the side of one of the pyramids. Then narrow, slanting passages were discovered.

To what do the passages lead? To dark chambers. In the largest a stone chest was found; it had no lid, and it contained nothing but rubbish. What a disappointment to those who expected to find treasures, or at least, the bones of ancient kings!

Abysinnia

Perhaps there is no Christian country in the world as ignorant as Abyssinia. How should the people know anything, when even the priests know nothing! Their chief employment is dancing and singing.

In general the Abyssinians avoid everything that the Mahomedans approve, for they hate and despise them, and wish to be as unlike them as possible. On this account they never smoke, nor drink coffee, nor wash frequently.

The United States

New York is the chief city. It contains about a quarter as many people as London. It is much more beautiful, for it has neither smoke nor fog, but enjoys a clear and brilliant sunshine. In warmth it is like Spain or Italy.

There is in New York a very broad street, called Broadway, planted with trees; it is two miles long. It is thronged with splendid carriages, and people elegantly dressed.

This is the gayest city in America, and also the most ungodly. There are very few churches, but there are amusements of all kinds. It may be called a city of strangers, for people come from all parts of America to pass the winter here.

There is no place in the whole world where so many ships are all collected in one spot as in the harbour of New Orleans. But the river is the bane of the city. The banks are so low that the damps from the water render the city unwholesome. Yellow fever frequently comes and carries away thousands. New Orleans is a dangerous place to live in, both for the body and the soul.

Washington is one of the most desolate cities in the world: not because she is in ruins, but for the opposite reason – because she is unfinished. There are places marked out where houses ought to be, but where none seem ever likely to be.

The children are brought up in a very unwholesome manner. At the dinner table of the boarding-house they see all kinds of dainties, and they are allowed to eat hot cakes and rich preserves at breakfast, and ices and oysters at supper, when they ought to be satised with their basin of porridge, or their milk and water and bread and butter. The consequence is that many children die, and others are pale and sickly.

There are so many slaves in the south, that the white people indulge in the habits of idleness and luxury. The children, from their earliest age, have black people ready to do everything for them; so they learn to do nothing for themselves. As they grow up, they leave all the work to the slaves, while they themselves lounge upon sofas, reading novels – or divert themselves with company.

The people in the northern states are very industrious. As there are not many servants to be had, they wait upon themselves. The children are useful to their parents. They can be trusted to go on messages, and to make purchases, and even to go to the dentist's by themselves.

The Americans are benevolent. They love to do good, and among other things they have asylums for the blind, and hospitals for the sick, and refuges for the destitute; and they make even their prisoners comfortable – perhaps too comfortable.

Mexico

Mexico is indeed the land of robbers. They abound most in the country, because they succeed best there. It would be delightful to live in the country in Mexico, if it were not for the robbers. In Mexico it is not thought a disgrace to be a robber. Even gentlemen, if they lose much money by gambling, will go and turn robbers for a little while, and not be ashamed. Sometimes, however, a robber is caught and hanged, and his dead body suspended in chains by the road-side. But then he is much pitied.

The most honest set of people in Mexico are the letter-carriers. These men are employed in carrying packages as well as letters, and none but trusty men could obtain employment. What dangers must these carriers encounter from the robbers! Robbers do not often break into the churches, but in times of tumult and rebellion they have even robbed churches.

New Zealand

This country is remarkable for lying just opposite Great Britain. Could a tunnel be dug quite straight through the earth from our land, that tunnel would end in New Zealand. Such a tunnel, however, never can be dug. It would be eight thousand miles deep. Though we can never reach New Zealand by a tunnel, we know that it lies just opposite to us, so that the feet of the people there are opposite to our feet.

All the seasons there are contrary to ours here; when it is summer there, it is winter here: and when it is winter there, it is summer here. The seasons there are like ours here, though they occur at different times; and the days there are of the same length as the days here, though they also occur at different times.
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