[Aryan_]

The very rough guide: the rudest travel book ever written

In the mid-19th century, one Mrs Favell Mortimer set forth to write a definitive travel guide to the world. There was just one problem: she had never set foot outside her native Shropshire. This was the result...
Published: 28 September 2007

England

What is the character of the English? What sort of people are they? They are not very pleasant in company, because they do not like strangers, nor taking much trouble. They like best being at home, and this is right. They are very much afraid of being cheated; therefore they are careful and prudent, and slow to trust people till they know them. They are cold in their manners, yet they will often do kind actions. They are too fond of money, as well as of good eating and drinking. They are often in low spirits, and are apt to grumble, and to wish they were richer than they are, and to speak against the rulers of the land. Yet they might be the happiest people in the world, for there is no country in which there are so many Bibles.

Is London a pleasant city? No; because there is so much fog and so much smoke. This makes it dark and black. Yet the streets where rich people live are kept clean, and the maid in each house washes the steps of her master's house every morning.

Is London a pretty city? No; because it is not built by the sea-side or on high hills. Yet it has two beautiful churches – called St Paul's and Westminster Abbey – and it has some beautiful parks where ladies and gentlemen drive and walk, and where even poor children play under the shady trees.

Wales

Though the Welsh are not very clean, they make their cottages look clean by white-washing them every year, and sometimes they white-wash the pig-sties too.

Scotland

Is Scotland like England?

No – it is more beautiful. It has not as many trees as England has, but then it has very high hills, higher than any hills in England, and larger lakes, and more streams and water-falls.

One day a traveller said to a Scotchman, "Does it always rain, as it does now?" "No," replied the man, "it snaws sometimes." He said "snaws" instead of "snows", for the poor Scotch speak their words very broad.

One of the chief faults of the Scotch is the love of whisky. Another fault is the love of money. They often ask more than they ought, and are very slow to give. They are industrious, but disobliging. They will not take much trouble to please strangers. They are not as clean as English people, and they let their books be covered with dust, and even black with soot.

They are very grave, and not fond of jokes; however, they like music, and can sing some very pretty songs; but you would not like the sound of their bag-pipes. The noise is almost as ugly as the creaking of a door, or the squalling of cats.

The chief town of Scotland is Edinburgh. This is the most beautiful city in the world. What makes it so beautiful? Its green hill with the castle at the top. As you walk in the fine broad streets of Edinburgh, whenever you look up, you see this hill and its castle, and you admire them, and say, "How grand, how beautiful!"

Ireland

There are not many rich people in Ireland. Those who are rich like best going over to England and living there, and this is one reason why the poor people are so very poor. But there are some ladies and gentlemen who try to make poor people happy, and who have schools for the children.

The Irish say they are Christians, yet most of them will not read the Bible. Is not that strange? Why do they not read it, if they are Christians? Because their ministers tell them not to read it. Why? Because these ministers or priests tell them a great many wrong things, which are not written in the Bible, and they do not want the people to find out the truth. The religion they teach is called the Roman Catholic religion. It is a kind of Christian religion, but it is a very bad kind.

If you were to go to a Roman Catholic church, you would see a basin of water near the door. What is it for? It is called "holy water", because the priest has blessed it. Everybody dips his hand in this water, and sprinkles himself with it, and thinks that doing this will keep him from Satan. O how foolish!

France

The parents like to make their children little men and women. They take them where they go, keep them up late, and let them eat unwholesome food, and even allow them to talk away before grown-up people, and show how clever they are. Children of five or six years old often dine with company, when they ought to be alone with their papa and mamma, or else in the nursery.

Is there a King of France? The last King left his palace in great haste. There were crowds under his windows, and he was afraid they would burst in. So he left his dinner unfinished on the table; he did not stop to pack up his clothes, but, with his queen on his arm, he hurried through the streets, and got into a carriage and drove off. Where did he go? To England. That is a safe place for French kings.

Spain

The Spaniards are rather short and thin. Their hair and eyes are black, their skin is dark, and their cheeks pale, and their countenance is grave and sad. They walk very slowly, and hold up their heads. The women are very graceful.

They are not like the French, lively and talkative: they are grave and silent. They are not active like the Scotch, but cold and distant; nor fond of home like the English, but fond of company. Yet they are cruel, and sullen, and revengeful. They are very proud. The poor are as proud as the rich. They think no nation, and no language is like their own. It is true their language is the best in Europe, but there are very few wise books written in it.

Portugal

What? Though the Portuguese are indolent, like the Spaniards, they are not so grave, and sad, and silent. They are proud like the Spaniards, but they are more deceitful. They have black eyes, and hair, and dark complexions like the Spaniards, but they have whiter teeth, for they never smoke, and it is smoking paper cigars which spoils the teeth in Spain.

But though the Portuguese do not smoke, they have another bad habit, they take snuff continually, – the poor as well as the rich – the young as well as the old.

The Portuguese language is not as beautiful as the Spanish, it has more hissing sounds, and is spoken in harsh and squeaking tones.

No people in Europe are as clumsy and awkward with their hands as the Portuguese. It is curious to see how badly the carpenters make boxes, and the smiths make keys. The carts are very ill-made; they are drawn by two oxen, and as they move slowly along, the wheels make a loud creaking noise, which almost stuns people of other countries; but the Portuguese do not mind the sound, and say it is of use, for then there will be no danger of two carts meeting in the narrow roads.

Portugal, like Spain, is filled with robbers; the laws are not obeyed, and the wicked men often escape without being punished.

Russia

The rich people are very fond of company; nothing pleases them more than to see some sledges gallopping up to their house. Then they make fine feasts, talk and laugh, sing and dance, from morning till night. The children are allowed to play so much, that they grow up very ignorant. The boys are not t aught Latin or Greek, for they are so foolish as to think it too much trouble to learn languages which nobody speaks now. The Russians are very fond of music and dancing, and the children are very quick in learning to dance and sing; but dancing and singing will not make them wise.

The poor Russians are not black, but fair, with light hair. Why are they called "black?" Because they are very dirty. The Russians are very uneasy if they cannot bathe.

The rich people are unjust, and often do not pay their debts; they are fond of feasts and company, but they care little for their servants and poor neighbours. The poor people are civil, but sly, and dishonest, idle, and fond of drinking.

Italy

Rome is the capital of Italy, and once it was the capital of the world. It was a wicked city then, full of idols and cruelty – and it is a wicked city now. Here the Pope lives. He is the chief of all the priests of the Roman Catholic religion. Naples is much more beautiful than Rome. It is built by the sea-side, where the land is in the shape of a half-moon. This is called a bay. Naples is a gay city. The people are always moving and talking fast. The streets are full of carts and carriages laden with people – some before, and some behind, and some underneath; for even poor people like to have a ride. In Rome the people are grave and silent, but in Naples they are merry and noisy. Which city should you like best?

Germany

The Germans are very kind, and pleasant in their families. They are affectionate. They are careful, and cautious. It would be well if they were more neat and clean, especially the poor people.

Hungary

The Hungarians are a much wilder people than the Germans; they are not industrious; they do not know how to make things; most of them cannot read or write.

Prussia

Prussia is not a pretty country. It is full of sandy plains, and ugly bogs, and low fir-trees. Neither is it a healthy country. The east wind blows very sharp, and the ground is very damp. Yet in one respect it is a good country, for the religion is Protestant. There are also many good laws, and the poor people are taught to read. It is a pity there are so many soldiers.