[flutterz]

sometimes i feel like i might be getting too comfortable in my skin. i was reading something and it sent a chill down my back. am i taking my life for granted? have i started to expect it to last like this forever? no. till the end of the year? maybe. uh-oh.

we keep forgetting to be grateful. we're not outright ungrateful. we just need to be proactively grateful. cuz the way we naturally are, we think if we're good, nothing bad will happen. despite the fact that we've been contradicted every single time in the past. but we're hopeful to the point of being hopeless. it seems like there's nothing else we can do.

we can't stand being happy for too long. we're suspicious of good times. we anxiously wait for the axe to fall. cuz we can't escape the misery that is our lot. at least, not for long. we'd rather just get it over with sooner than later. we don't like being deceived/distracted by temporary happiness, by false hopes. we fall for it, sure. but soon we come around and start asking, "so what's the catch?".

just goes on to show that despite all this time that has passed, we've not moved on. perhaps we never will. it's not easy. i've started to think that perhaps it is impossible. to move on. to forget. to not be reminded. to stop thinking. to stop feeling. to stop being. to stop existing. to stop hoping. to stop wishing. it's not worth it. but sadly, life is like that. we'd rather it wasn't at all, but who are we to decide.

perhaps i should stop reading. perhaps we should stop being so suspicious of seemingly sunny days. but what if every time we go out, it's deathly cold and the sun's is just there to lure us out of our cocoon. but i exaggerate. every sunny day isn't like that. we're being ungrateful. defensive. cuz that's what we seem to do best when we can't do anything else. but can you blame us. we're only human. that's our basic survival instinct. but let's try not to be like that.

let's try to rise up a little and be more. let's try to be proactively grateful for both the present and the past. let's hope for the best and be prepared for the worst whilst keeping balance between the two. let's try to be a little less self-absorbed. let's try to be content. let's be us, who we really are at our best, or at our best of our worst. let's just be...