RICHMOND, VA – For six minutes, the air in Ms. Lambert’s third-grade classroom was filled with the stench of a senseless act of juvenile mischief. Students were caught off guard when young Tahir Asafi released one of his lethal ‘fart’ bombs in the southeast region of the classroom. Seconds after the attack, screams of ‘ewe’s’ could be heard coming from the area hardest hit.

Though the blast sent shockwaves, the youth expressed no remorse for his actions.

He also pointed out that the waves of gas would continue over the course of the next few hours, including recess.Seven-year-old Asafi was quick to claim responsibility for the attack saying, “It was all me!”

Fellow classmate Julie Rubinowitz could be seen gasping for air as she pinched her nose closed.

The incident occurred sometime between math and social studies as the students were taking out their map pencils. Ms. Lambert directly blames Tahir’s mother for not cracking-down on a better lunch selection, and packing shwarma’s in his lunchbox every day.

The post Third Grade Palestinian Boy Claims Responsibility for ‘Attack’ appeared first on Islamica.

BRIDGEVIEW, IL – In its growing paranoia of domestically funded international terrorism, the FBI announced a systematic crackdown of a chain of Arab-owned lemonade stands.

The lemonade stands, operated under the name “Lemonarabade” and owned predominantly by Arab youth ranging in ages between 5 and 7, are suspected of collectively generating enough revenue to fund the global operations of “Hizbul-Squeeze”, a radical organization known for its random violent attacks and a recent background vocal performance with pop-artist Sting.

The systematic crackdown on the lemonade stand ring "Lemonarabade" has some Arab youth scared juiceless.

In a news conference Wednesday, FBI Spokesperson for the Special Division on Arab People and Their Kids Paul Stevenson told reporters, “We believe these refreshment stands, though cute and innocent at first glance, are in fact havens for lemony madness.”

“A nickel here and a nickel there and all of a sudden, you have a nuclear warhead aimed at a Tel-Aviv street market.”

The Bureau was tipped off when they noticed similar characteristics across the network of lemon-based businesses.

“When our special team discovered that all the lemons being used at these stands were Sunkist brand…and all the kids were Arab, we knew it smelled like terrorism,” stated FBI Chief Investigator Ralph Wiggum.

Wiggum went on to say that the children at these stores would high five each other and yell “Allah-Hu-Akbar (God is great)” after every sale.

The Arab community expressed outrage regarding the raid, labeling the action “another act of aggression by Billy Clinton.”

“It’s just like ‘The Siege’, only with lemonade,” commented Sami Dumee, father of Dami Dumee, manager of the Spring Valley Dr. Lemonarabade stand. “How will I explain to my kid that he doesn’t have any lemons?”

The younger Dumee reflected on the raid at his stand last Tuesday. “They came in with big bistols and started to squish the lemons. I was scared. I did not know what to do. I felt like an Elian Gonzales.”

Arab-Americans are expected to respond to these latest actions by boycotting the FBI, distributing informational pamphlets entitled “Lemon-Taking Infidels,” as well as random ululations into the night.

FBI Spokesman Stevenson defended the Bureau’s position and pointed out, “When life hands you lemons, you make Gatorade, not bombs.”

The post FBI Cracks Down On Lemonade Stand Ring, Continues To Sour Relations With Arab Community appeared first on Islamica.

By Preet Wallawallabangbang

"This is suck!"

How many guys I gotta explain?! I’M NOT ARAB! Look, buddy…some tings are really estarting to pass me off. Hawing the guy say me not talk the English when I AM talk the English is insulting enough, but now this happens.

I’m Sikh, dang it. Sikh, sikh, sikh!

You aydeeots hound me and say me go home. But I say I am home so what? They look with confuse and start throwing the thing and the other thing.

I drive cab for long, long time in this country – at least 3 day. I have people say me go home cuz some plane crash and hit the guy and I say “How I know who the guy is, man? Why I gotta be the blame?”

Blame the responsibility people, whoever they be at.

Leave me alone, please. I done writing…how I save document?

The post Sikh of Being Mistaken For An Arab appeared first on Islamica.

Written By Anonymous 17 Year Old Sister

"Eeeyuuu!"

At first, I was like “Oh my god!” Why do they always do this to me? Weirdo gross brown women have been asking me the same stupid marriage questions since I was like 16. Okay so check this out. Like last week, no wait, maybe it was a few days ago, no wait it was last week. Anyway, my mom and dad found this guy that they want me to meet.

I’m like “Get over it, lady. I’m not interested in your brainwashed, mama’s boy loser son, okay?”

I *so* don’t get this. Like a thousand “sighs” to the infinitive power.

It would be, like, totally cool if they found an awesome guy, mashAllah, that I could totally spend all my time with. But I think they’re all taken or weird or gross.

Like this one guy they made me meet, he was kinda okay… until he wrote me like this mile-long e-mail telling me how much he loved me. This was after having like a 5 minute conversation. Hel-looo?

What. Ever.

I guess I like shouldn’t complain and stuff since a lot of girls are less fortunate and ugly and stuff. They don’t get any guys giving them attention. I’m so thankful that I look so cute, mash’Allah, no matter what I wear. I don’t even need much makeup.

My parents are like so freaking out right now because I’m almost 18 and they think that I’m gonna expire soon or something. I’m like “Daddy! Credit cards expire, not people. Okay?!”

Speaking of credit cards, I think I’m gonna go shopping in a bit.

But anyway, I don’t plan on getting hooked up until, like, the ripe old age of like 21, okay?

I just wish these freaks would back off, you know? Don’t even get me started on the FOB I’ve gotta meet next week. Cry, cry, cry. Poor me.

The post He Is, Like, So Not Worth My Time appeared first on Islamica.

Written By Riaz “Unibrow” Sayeed

"Marry Her!"

Seriously. I’m getting sick of this. My dad is freaking out. My mom can’t sleep and walks around all day crying. Nobody’s interested in my hooking up with my sister.

She’s been single her whole life. That’s 30 years of solitary misery for the poor girl.

The last time we had a guy come to our house for a marriage scenario, he asked her, “Excuse me brother, but where is your sister?”

I don’t think she’s that bad looking. They say that the truest form of beauty is on the inside, right?

Well, it must be buried pretty deep.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s not that bad looking. People say she bears a strong resemblance to Barry White so it can’t hurt to resemble a celebrity. I think she resembles Barry in her voice more than looks, but who am I to judge.

My folks got really desperate last summer and rented out a booth at ISNA for her. It was way in the back of the bazaar with a sign that read, “For The Sake of Allah, Please Marry Me”. One guy stopped by but he was just asking where the bathroom was.

My sister thinks that guys aren’t interested in her because she doesn’t wear hijab. I tell her to flat out go for the niqab. She needs all the help she can get. Shoot, wear sunglasses with that niqab while you’re at it.

We registered her on one of those matrimonial sites but they keep turning down her membership because they think that the pictures are fake or it’s a joke of some kind.

I guess that in the end, we’re all destined to end up with someone, right?

Let’s just hope that guy comes along before my mother starts interviewing the blind.

The post Will Someone Please Marry My Ugly Sister? appeared first on Islamica.

REDNECK COUNTY, IL – Nearly seven years have passed since the founding of the Muslim Student Association at Cornopolis Community College in Redneck County, but the student organization is still struggling to find out exactly what it should be doing.

“It’s hopeless”, lamented MSA President Qutub Butuq, “We don’t have any clue.”

“We hold fundraising dinners every few months and order pizzas at every general body meeting,” remarked Qutub while munching on a slice of deep-dish pizza.

While relatively small compared to other organizations on campus, the MSA currently has three executive board members, zero non-executive members and 12 Hindus that show up every week for free pizza.

Despite several failed attempts at doing something positive for the college community, several members of the MSA have begun questioning the existence of the organization, as well.

Defending the organization, MSA Vice President Ali Gora noted that the organization has made several attempts to “do Islamic stuff and make people Muslim” such as telling people that he’s Muslim, staring at them blankly for a while and then running away nervously.

MSA Secretary Chikita Banana added, “We’ve also ordered and distributed Dawa pamphlets into trash receptacles all over campus.”

The most noted activity in the history of the MSA occurred back in 1992 when the MSA successfully banned the use of pork in remedial math classes.

Prior to the ban, it was common practice for students of those classes to have a final exam that consisted of counting the number of toes on a pigs foot and receiving pork rinds as rewards for good deeds.

At a recent fundraising dinner organized by the MSA, President Qutub was asked exactly how the MSA plans to spend the money they have accrued over the past few years of inactivity.

“Here, have some pizza,” he replied with a nervous smile, “Would you like something to drink?”

In light of the recent flurry of questions regarding the validity of their organization, the MSA intends on holding an emergency meeting to discuss whether or not they should have a meeting to discuss the purpose of their meetings.

Deep-dish cheese pizza and non-alcoholic beverages will be served at the meeting.

The post Local MSA Still Ponders Reason For Its Existence: Community, MSA Members Unsure Why They Meet Once A Week appeared first on Islamica.

FREMONT, CA – When Mrs. Wilson’s third grade class at Fremont Elementary School arrived at school Monday morning, they and others were greeted by a myriad of squad cars and special task forces for both local and California state agencies. For two days, the Fremont Police Department cautiously negotiated with Dr. Mukhail Sina, who reportedly kept the Islamic Society of Northern Fremont hostage over the weekend.

“Because we couldn’t collectively come up with one hundred thousand dollars,” cried recently released hostage Moin Kudair, “I had to miss Sunday football games and spend the night next to a caged hamster in some kindergarten classroom. Do you know how humiliating that is?” The Islamic Society had been hosting their annual fundraiser at the elementary school to utilize its spacious cafeteria and lunch trays for serving.

The hostile takeover began as a volatile Sina became frustrated over the community’s lack of response to pledge and donate jewelry. The motivational Doctor had boasted a solid reputation for meeting minimum fundraiser goals.

“He told us that if we didn’t come up with the money, he would lock all the doors and that no one would be going home,” said an exhausted Maliha Siddiqui. “We all just laughed and thought it was part of his witty, charismatic style.”

Deen Saleem, the organizer of the dinner, panicked as the evening dragged on. “I knew that if the audience didn’t get their tea by 10:30, there was a strong chance they would revolt, exacerbating the situation. Luckily, there was tea.”

Saleem said that, fortunately, food was not an issue over the weekend. “Based on last year’s experience, we knew there would have a surplus of two pans of biryani as well as unconsumed 2-liter bottles of Diet RC. No one ever drinks that stuff, unless of course you’re stuck in an elementary school for days.”

The community also lived off of the school’s sloppy joes and pre-plucked pepperoni pizza.

“We had to await a fatwa from Dr. Sina before we could eat it,” said Saleem.

Not all was bad during the crisis as Maliha Siddiqui, one of the hostages, became engaged for marriage during the ordeal.

“I’d always thought this guy from weekend school was a dork. During these past few days, however, our parents met, exchanged pictures and agreed that we’d be married by the next hostage…err.. I mean fundraiser dinner.”

The crisis ended when police used a crane to break through the roof of the elementary school cafeteria and lifted Dr. Sina out of the building.

“Once we saw Dr. Sina’s kicking body being lifted out, we all darted for the recycling bins that had our money and our wives’ jewelry,” reflected Moin Kudair. “What a jacked weekend.”

The post Guest Speaker Takes Local Fundraiser Hostage, National Inspirational Figure Makes Audience His Minimum Target appeared first on Islamica.

DES MOINES, IA – Something is not quite right at the local college MSA. In a continuing pattern of suspicious trends, members are left with many questions as to what might be transpiring within their beloved organization.

“[MSA President Bilal Khan] wanted to hold a co-ed basketball tournament,” stated longtime member Maryam Zulfiqar. “This was after his original idea of a co-ed wrestling tournament was shot down.”

Flyer contact information for a recent fundraising dinner included the email address for MSA Secretary Aamina Forwardu and listed it as desibooty786@hotmail.com.

This past semester, numerous events have also been held where no one but the president and secretary were notified.

“They’re freaking dating, I know it,” exclaims former member Ali Kamal. “I busted those two holding hands at the theater and they said they were just there to warn others about the evils of movies and stuff.”

Citing the current president’s 7-year term at the 2-year educational institution, members are now demanding an MSA board re-election.

The post Shady MSA Getting Shadier appeared first on Islamica.

BOSTON, MA – After the events that transpired here last week, Ms. Johnsons’ second grade classroom will never be the same.

“We were making cardboard cutouts for the school’s holiday musical when all of a sudden, I hear Adnan telling everyone that Santa Claus isn’t real,” stated Ms. Johnson in reference to Adnan Sami, one of her seven-year old students. “I don’t know what on earth possessed him to tell such horrid, horrid… truth.”

Classmate Adam Garber (above) reacted to the news much the same way as the rest of the class, including Ms. Johnson.

“How on earth can people live like that?! It’s insane,” exclaimed a visibly-upset Ms. Johnson.”My mommy told me,” explained Adnan. “I go home and asked her if Santa Claus was coming to our house because we don’t have a chimney. She said that Santa’s not real and I said ‘OK’ and that was that.”

The child has a history of ruining holidays for area youth.

Last Easter, he quickly pointed out that the Easter bunny who visited their classroom was in fact the school’s alcoholic janitor, William Banes.

“He sounded like Willy because Willy always sounds like he’s about to go to naptime,” laughed Adnan in reference to Banes’ problems with alcoholism.

“He’s two for two thus far,” stated School Principal Marvin Taylor. “We’ve got to brace for New Years. There’s no telling what damage this kid can do.”

The post Santa Myth Exposed: Muslim Second Grader Ruins Christmas for Entire Class appeared first on Islamica.

Dear Islamica,

If you can’t hear it, does it still break it?

– “Silent But Deadly” Samir

Response: Well, Samir, you pose a rather interesting question. In fact, I myself have slipped into hours of deep reflection and introspection regarding this matter. It is, without a doubt, an issue that has perplexed scholars and educators for ages.

I mean, think about it. What is an Imam supposed to do if he passes gas while he’s leading the prayers? Technically, he’s supposed to redo his wudu afterwards and lead another makeup prayer in his newly-cleansed state.

What if he stopped in the middle, though? Could you imagine the chaos that would ensue? Is someone supposed to boldly leap into the Imam’s vacant, odoriferous spot and lead the jamaat? And what if no one steps up to the challenge? Does everyone just pause and wait for the Imam to return from performing wudu? And what if no one catches on to the fact that the Imam broke wind once he stops and leaves?

Confusion would pollute the jamat as everyone would think that the Imam simply quit and left. Utter chaos I tell you. Never in my 23 years of existence have I witnessed or even heard about an Imam leaving the prayers to re-execute his wudu.

In fact, this matter vexed me as a teenager and I actually asked the Imam of my local mosque what he would do if he happened to pass gas. With a half smile he told me, “If nobody can smell it or hear it, you just keep going. You just have to watch what you eat before you lead the prayers.”

No wonder I never saw him at Taco Bell.

The post Silent, But Deadly, Samir appeared first on Islamica.