BRIDGEVIEW, IL – In its growing paranoia of domestically funded international terrorism, the FBI announced a systematic crackdown of a chain of Arab-owned lemonade stands.

The lemonade stands, operated under the name “Lemonarabade” and owned predominantly by Arab youth ranging in ages between 5 and 7, are suspected of collectively generating enough revenue to fund the global operations of “Hizbul-Squeeze”, a radical organization known for its random violent attacks and a recent background vocal performance with pop-artist Sting.

In a news conference Wednesday, FBI Spokesperson for the Special Division on Arab People and Their Kids Paul Stevenson told reporters, “We believe these refreshment stands, though cute and innocent at first glance, are in fact havens for lemony madness.”

“A nickel here and a nickel there and all of a sudden, you have a nuclear warhead aimed at a Tel-Aviv street market.”

The Bureau was tipped off when they noticed similar characteristics across the network of lemon-based businesses.

“When our special team discovered that all the lemons being used at these stands were Sunkist brand…and all the kids were Arab, we knew it smelled like terrorism,” stated FBI Chief Investigator Ralph Wiggum.

Wiggum went on to say that the children at these stores would high five each other and yell “Allah-Hu-Akbar (God is great)” after every sale.

The Arab community expressed outrage regarding the raid, labeling the action “another act of aggression by Billy Clinton.”

“It’s just like ‘The Siege’, only with lemonade,” commented Sami Dumee, father of Dami Dumee, manager of the Spring Valley Dr. Lemonarabade stand. “How will I explain to my kid that he doesn’t have any lemons?”

The younger Dumee reflected on the raid at his stand last Tuesday. “They came in with big bistols and started to squish the lemons. I was scared. I did not know what to do. I felt like an Elian Gonzales.”

Arab-Americans are expected to respond to these latest actions by boycotting the FBI, distributing informational pamphlets entitled “Lemon-Taking Infidels,” as well as random ululations into the night.

FBI Spokesman Stevenson defended the Bureau’s position and pointed out, “When life hands you lemons, you make Gatorade, not bombs.”

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Feeling under pressure from the public and parents alike, the boys at Islamica revealed the source for their creative, yet controversial ideas. At a news conference held in a Suburban Chicago garage last Friday, company CEO Mirza Baig told all about the longtime coveted issue.

At that point, Baig began laughing hysterically.”You’re not going to like what I have to say,” Baig began, “but we get our ideas from the Jews.”

“I’m just joking…it’s not the Jews!”

Then with a solemn face Baig revealed, “Seriously though, the real source for our ideas is the devil.”

Baig went on to explain that the company hired the devil at its inception, and has been enjoying his input since.

The news angered many Chicago-area Muslims who took to Devon Avenue in protest. Hundreds chanted ‘Islamica sucks!’ as police tried to keep the crowd under control.

“Islamica?” 28-year old Rehan Siddiqui shouted. “They should rename themselves Haramica!”

Siddiqui was unaware his brother, Tahami, currently holds the position as Public Relations officer at Islamica.

Local area mosques pleaded with protesters to take action.

“We can’t sit back now,” a local mosque leader told people. “We have to write our respective congressmen and tell them to ask Islamica to…to stop talking to the devil or something like that.”

The news did not come as a shock to many, and simply reaffirmed the older generation’s longtime suspicion.

“I knew them boys were up to no good,” said 58 year old Sartaj Farooqui. “I’ve seen their shirts, now I hear they’ll be making miniskirts.”

Islamica, however, sees the issue under a completely different light.

Company CIO and Webmaster Azher Ahmed was all compliments toward their evil associate. “The devil is a genius when it comes to graphic arts,” Ahmed raved. “Whenever we work together, I just give him the mouse and watch in awe. I love that little guy.”

The accord with the devil was news to longtime Islamica board member Mustafa Siraj.

“I didn’t even know we worked with the devil,” Siraj grumbled. “I just thought that voice saying ‘eat pork’ was inside my head.”

It appears that Siraj wasn’t the only member who had problems with the prince of darkness.

Former member Adnan Dhakan gave the company an ultimatum a year ago.

“I told them it was either me or the devil,” Dhakan said. “I can’t believe this crap.”

Some current Islamica members have complained about the devil’s work ethic at the office.

“I walked into the coffee room once,” related board member Afeef Abdul-Majeed, “and he was putting rum in the drinking water…yeah I’m pretty sure it was rum.”

lslamica Chief Financial Officer Sadat Khan states that the devil comes into his office after-hours and tells him to take from the company’s funds. “I tell him to go away,” Khan mentions. “I ask him ‘What are you the devil or something?’ to which he looks back and smiles. Then we both laugh for a while.”

Because of the recent protests, Islamica states that they will look into some of the complaints they’ve been receiving throughout the past years.

At the news conference, many inquired what the devil looked like, to which Mirza Baig replied, “Well he looks a lot like eighties television star Webster.”