Distressed Hairorist

Nov 212011
 
 November 21, 2011  Posted by at 4:51 pm Advice, Islamica News No Responses »

Salams, Islamica.

I know it’s Sunnah to grow a beard, but I can only seem to grow a mustache. What’s a girl to do?

– Hairy Huma

Response: Although I applaud your efforts at achieving follicular Sunnah, I’m pretty sure that growing a beard applies to males only. If you’re intent on sporting a beard, however, you can always ingest hormones to catalyze hair growth. But of course, there is a strong propensity for unwanted hair growth and violent mood swings, accompanied by irritability and random nausea.

You might want to consider another option, which is to shave the barren facial area several times a day to spur rapid hair growth. One of my best friends, let’s just call him “Mirza Baig”, desperately wanted to grow a goatee when he was at the young age of 13. Consequently, he shaved his chin and surrounding areas incessantly, anywhere from 3 to 10 times daily. Lo and behold, in a matter of two weeks, Mirza had a flourishing, Brillo-Pad of a go-tee and was the very reason his Jr. High had to implement a “Facial Hair” clause in the Code of Conduct booklet.

So shave on my sister, there is hope for you yet!

Silent, But Deadly, Samir

Nov 212011
 
 November 21, 2011  Posted by at 4:51 pm Advice, Islamica News 1 Response »

Dear Islamica,

If you can’t hear it, does it still break it?

– “Silent But Deadly” Samir

Response: Well, Samir, you pose a rather interesting question. In fact, I myself have slipped into hours of deep reflection and introspection regarding this matter. It is, without a doubt, an issue that has perplexed scholars and educators for ages.

I mean, think about it. What is an Imam supposed to do if he passes gas while he’s leading the prayers? Technically, he’s supposed to redo his wudu afterwards and lead another makeup prayer in his newly-cleansed state.

What if he stopped in the middle, though? Could you imagine the chaos that would ensue? Is someone supposed to boldly leap into the Imam’s vacant, odoriferous spot and lead the jamaat? And what if no one steps up to the challenge? Does everyone just pause and wait for the Imam to return from performing wudu? And what if no one catches on to the fact that the Imam broke wind once he stops and leaves?

Confusion would pollute the jamat as everyone would think that the Imam simply quit and left. Utter chaos I tell you. Never in my 23 years of existence have I witnessed or even heard about an Imam leaving the prayers to re-execute his wudu.

In fact, this matter vexed me as a teenager and I actually asked the Imam of my local mosque what he would do if he happened to pass gas. With a half smile he told me, “If nobody can smell it or hear it, you just keep going. You just have to watch what you eat before you lead the prayers.”

No wonder I never saw him at Taco Bell.

Repeat Ifreet

Nov 202011
 
 November 20, 2011  Posted by at 6:41 pm Advice, Islamica News No Responses »

Dear Islamica,

I’m not really sure if this is a problem or not, but I think it is. Actually now that I think about it, it is a problem. I’m not sure where to turn. I’m really embarrassed to get advice from my friends or family because I don’t think they’ll understand. You see every time I try to pray, I hear my favorite N’Sync song playing over and over again in my head. I try to block it out, but it’s hopeless. I need help! How do I say “Bye, Bye, Bye” to the song forever repeating in my head??

Response: After doing extensive research on the hylotropic mode of consciousness and on the complex realms of the subconscious mind, I find the solution to your problem to be a rather simple one.

This is EXACTLY what you get for listening to bad music. I’m sorry, did I just call that garbage “music”? Well, you know, actually, this could be the reason we’re only permitted to listen to the Duff. I mean, after all, when’s the last time you’ve had some Duff stuck in your head? Well, of course, unless you’re Homer Simpson.